Loveology
by Z. Alexander
Summary: We’ll learn to love each other, if it’s the last thing we do. And if we run out of time, at least we’ll know what we had was real. AkuRoku. Larxiné. SoKai.
1. Introduction

I actually _wrote_ this back in the beginning of August, when I was getting a new computer (I wrote it in a notebook and didn't bother to title it). I was dithering over whether to post it, and then I decided not to when I read _How to Disappear Completely _by Versace Frolic (go read it, _now)._ The writing styles are slightly similar (even though the stories are radically different) but that story is a majillion times better than this, so I felt totally inadequate. But I sent this to my friend as a sample of my _bad _writing, and he told me if I didn't post it _today,_ he'd never speak to me again. So here it is. (Fuck Valentine's Day. He ordered it because it's my birthday today and he knew it would piss me off. Too bad I adore him so I can't really be mad at him.) It's written in three different points of view, and like they're talking to you but they're not, because they don't know you're there. Personally, I think this is dreadfully cliché and _too _dramatic. Like a friggin _soap opera. _But I owe him big time. (Damn you, James.) Yes, this is a _little_ sexual, but not graphic. The most is in the beginning, because it's important to introduce the main characters that way. And really, I think lemons are kind of…bad taste.

This focuses on Roxas, Axel, and Larxene, though there _are_ other important characters. And Roxas…has a very different way of looking at things, which almost doesn't fit (in my opinion) his personality. It's a little hard to identify with, but it's not like I know what the hell he's talking about either. I don't know what his deal is; it's just the way he is and I still think he's pretty cool, even though his thought process is so different from mine that I sometimes got a little frustrated with him. Too bad I'm powerless to say no to characters' demands, huh?

NOTE: Initially, Xion (the little girl who comes in later on) was actually an insignificant OC. But I changed the name and interactions slightly when I learned about her more.

**Dedication: **James. May your face get kicked every day for the rest of your life, you ass.

Once upon a time, there was a girl named Zheyne who didn't own anything but a brain. The end. (Duly Disclaimed.)

* * *

**Introduction

* * *

Roxas

* * *

**

For as long as I can remember, I've been a very destructive person. I don't mean to be; but I always seem to ruin things, or at least make them intensely uncomfortable. When I ruin things, it's generally not_ things; _it's usually people I ruin. I don't like it, but I don't know how to fix it because it's hard to vocalize what's wrong in language other people can understand.

You know what's really bizarre? I don't care, mostly. I _want _to care, but sometimes it's like that part of me is blocked. Dealing with people is something I've never been able to do properly, but not for lack of wanting. I usually manage to mess it up, to destroy it.

Here's the first example I can remember. When I was at a surprisingly social period in my life, I started dating someone. It was a guy named Demyx; he was a pretty awesome person, and also my next-door neighbor when I lived on the Islands. He and I actually hooked up on accident; there was a party he had to attend, and I was in the vicinity when he found out. He told me he needed a date, and I told him I'd wear a dress if _he_ paid for it.

I'm not a drag-queen, you know. I don't think you could call me 'gay,' either. I don't really believe in words like that…it's complicated for some people to understand, but I guess you could say I'm equal-opportunity, as long as the person can deal with my occasional silence and my other oddities. I'm actually not very girly, but I have no problem slipping on a dress if it means I get to hear laughter, even if it's at my expense instead of at my words. It's almost like being normal.

He agreed to buy it, and obviously we had to get an irritatingly large choker to cover my Adam's apple, but it wasn't a big deal to me.

And that's how it started, really. We started going out on dates. I always wore a dress if his parents might be looking out the window and see my profile, but that wasn't very often. I always invited him over for wine and quiet evenings (I can be pretty romantic sometimes; I learned how by watching other people), but we never actually got to the sex part. He was afraid of it for some reason; something like he didn't want to get hurt and he didn't want to hurt me.

It was hard to understand why he thought it would hurt one of us, but I think my pain receptors are a bit defective because I have an extremely high pain tolerance. I don't like physical contact, generally, but as long as I don't need to cuddle afterward, I like sex a lot. It helps me be social without the awkwardness of conversation. I didn't think it was a very serious relationship; it was mostly laughter and jokes. Back then, I had trouble speaking – not because of shyness, but because I couldn't find the appropriate words – but Demyx didn't seem to mind.

And he _did _think our relationship was serious. There was one night, where we went dancing. He may have been boring sexually, but he was like traveling sex when he was dancing. He taught me everything I know. Right before we went inside, he told me something.

"Hey, I have to tell you before I get drunk because then you'd never believe it. I love you, Roxas! I really love you. Now let's hit the floor."

That killed me. _Terrified _me. No one had ever said that to me, not even my parents. They weren't bad parents. I was always fed, I always had clothes, and I always had a roof over my head. They just preferred to leave me alone. Or at least, as far as I can remember. There's a period of two years and thirty-four days of blankness in my memory. But that's not the point.

The _point _is I really didn't know how to deal with that, and I ended up just smiling at him and saying, "Let's hit it, Love."

Was that mean? I think it might have been. But I didn't know what to do. That night was the last night I ever heard him say it, though. I think I might miss it, if I could access my emotions fully, but for as long as I can remember, it's like everything's just slate-blank, or at least a painting in pastel watercolors that got dropped in the sink and just looks blurry. I have a hard time caring about _most_ things. I _do _remember being scared though, because I didn't understand why he'd say something like that, and I didn't really want to believe him.

So here's what happened. We went to his house, and fell asleep in his bed. I knew we were supposed to keep it secret. He was afraid of his parents. I didn't know _why, _but…

It happened like this. We both got drunk, and he looked really amazing, dancing right in front of me, and I _knew _he was too far gone to realize I was still male and it was a bad idea to go to his house, but we ended up in his bed that night anyway.

No, we didn't have sex. He was too far gone, and maybe I'm an apathetic freak, but I'm not stupid enough to have sex without the other person's explicit consent. We woke up the next morning to his dad hollering about indecency and other senseless things like that, and his mom crying, and he was really confused because he didn't remember the last night at all.

I left him there to deal with his parents alone. I didn't know why a twenty-year-old still lived with his parents anyway; I was nineteen and I'd lived on my own ever since I'd graduated. I didn't understand the gravity of the situation. And when I left, I thought I'd see him later. He'd probably come to my door, tell me he was kicked out, ask me if he could stay.

What I didn't know is that his dad was purposely a much bigger asshole than I could ever be on accident.

His parents threatened me, and told me not to go to his funeral.

So you see? That's the kind of thing I'm talking about. His dad went to jail, but jail time doesn't bring someone back to life. I actually cried, the day of his funeral – I don't do that very often, so it was a big deal to me.

There were a few other people…Selphie, Zexion, Olette, her best friend Hayner…they all said they loved me. Well, except Zexion. He had a different way of showing what he felt. He didn't use words; he just didn't pretend in front of me, about anything.

After _Selphie_ told me she loved me, we had sex. It was really boring. I'd figured she'd be risky, with her talent with ropes and whips…but she was kind of like Demyx, in that she wanted to be _gentle _with sexual things. I _hate _gentle. It feels like zero. So the morning after, I left. I left her a note, told her she was a great girl, but that I needed someone more exciting. I know it was harsh, but it's not like I was going to stay with her anyway, not after she'd said that. I figured I'd better be honest, even if she wasn't.

Olette and I had a strange 'off-and-on fuck-buddy' system, or at least that's what she called it, which was fine with me; but somehow she convinced herself she loved me. I'd told her about Selphie and Demyx one night, in a rare bout of chatter, and she just touched my hand and said, "I trust you not to hurt me."

Obviously, I didn't realize she actually thought she was falling for me. So I shook her hand away and said, "I thought you liked it that way." Because she was a really nice girl, very girl-next-door, but behind closed doors she was like a devil. She really made me feel alive, like eighty-three.

She just smiled. Four days later, we were on the clock tower alone and she told me she loved me. It was sunset, and there was a distance of an inch and a half between us, and she leaned a little closer and whispered it in my ear.

Maybe I should've kept my mouth shut. I mean, out of everyone, Olette was the best, and maybe in another situation, I could've believed her. But I didn't keep my mouth shut.

"Don't ruin such a romantic moment," I said.

She drew back and got a look on her face – the totally devastated one. I sighed. "Don't look at me like that. I already told you, it's a bad idea to get involved with me."

"And I _trusted _you!"

I just shrugged and replied, "You shouldn't have. I wouldn't trust me."

We never hung out after that. But I found this other guy pretty quick. His name was Hayner, and at that point he didn't know Olette or Pence, her _other _best friend. He was okay in the bedroom, not mind-blowing like Olette, but he had good taste in music. We met at the only concert I ever attended (I had problems with crowds), and we hooked up that night. Our relationship consisted mostly of illegal tram rides and sexual favors and sea-salt ice cream, sometimes two at the same time.

One day, he was in a little café for lunch with a couple of his classmates, and I snuck up behind him and slid under the table. Gave him a blowjob right there in the middle of the day. He was a little pissed, but mostly he just laughed and told me I'd better do that again sometime.

After that, I made it a point to sneak up on him in social situations, because it was nice to see him lose it for eleven to seventeen seconds, when I swallowed all his excitement. I think his friends either thought he had some kind of disorder where he shook and made weird faces occasionally, or they thought he could orgasm at will during random times of the day. Either way, it made me smile.

But he told me he loved me too. I punched him in the face and left town. When I came back, he and Olette had bonded over a few helpings of sea-salt ice cream and heartbreak. I didn't understand, but while I had been out of town, I'd met Zexion, so it was easy for me to classify it and move on.

I met him in a bookstore, actually. He was sitting behind the counter – he worked there. I couldn't help but think that even though his hair was ridiculous and he looked like he didn't know how to use his face, he was very appealing. I told him what I thought when I knew the words, and I asked him if he had time later that day.

He just looked steadily at me and replied, "It depends on how skilled you are."

So I decided to show him, the same way I showed Hayner. Right there under the desk. Zexion was better at keeping it hidden though, which was a little disappointing, but mostly enjoyable. I like giving blowjobs. It's random, really, especially since it doesn't affect me very much. And like I said before, I'm not only for guys. But there's something really satisfying in pleasuring someone…or maybe it's just because I like to see them lose it.

That's probably it. It's one of the things I understand very well, and when I understand something, I want to do it or see it often.

I stayed in that town for three months exactly. When we first met, he was very quiet – quieter as me, if you can believe that – and he always chose his words very carefully. By the time I left, he sometimes smiled at me and he spoke more freely.

When I saw that Olette and Hayner had met each other, I decided I didn't want the drama of Twilight Town any more, and I picked up and moved to Radiant Garden, where Zexion lived.

Our 'relationship' went on for another two months and three days, though we never actually dated. By the end, he didn't censor himself around me, and I knew what each and every one of his smiles meant. There was a bad day, where I woke up in bed and he was there, resting his chin on my chest and just watching me. I knew it was time to move on then, because it was getting really intimate in the bad way, and I didn't want to be touched like that.

I never saw him again; he quit his job at the bookstore and just disappeared. I know it wasn't because of me; he'd planned to quit that job anyway. I know he's still alive, because even though he has hair that fits certain stereotypes, he's not like that. He's the kind of guy who would disappear if he wanted to get away, not kill himself. He's good at hiding the truth, so I'm sure he's probably fine, even if he isn't.

Now, I'm twenty-three and I'm always single. I know it's better for everyone, in the long run, if I don't get involved with anyone.

I like going to clubs. It's an easy place to hook up for a night. You buy someone a drink to see how they react; it's a good way to measure things. If they throw it in your face, they're either taken or insulted. If they drink with a frown, they're too polite to tell you to just go away. If they drink with a huge smile, they're probably desperate and looking to please _anyone,_ which can be nice, but mostly it's just irksome because they're usually 'gentle people.' If they raise their glass to you with a smirk, it's perfect. Now…I'm not picky. I'll sleep with a lot of different types. I'm not a sex fiend or anything, but there's something satisfying in feeling alive for a night. I don't like to cuddle, or wake up next to strangers, but I like their perfect heartbeats, no matter if they're fast or slow.

Then in the morning I just give them a fake number, maybe do something like fold their clothes in the morning if they're not on the verge of waking up, and then avoid them. It's probably a little cruel, but it's something I _need _to do. Usually, though, people know I'm not going to see them after we're finished.

There are two people I've stuck by for a long time, though. Luckily, they don't believe they're in love with me at all, and I do what I can to make sure it stays that way. In fact, I don't even like to _look at_ Axel for long. He's probably the only one I'd _never _do _anything_ with, because I actually really like his company. It would screw up our friendship. And as weird as it sounds, he's the only one I'd regret sleeping with, because I think he's the only one who would understand and still stick by me.

Larxene is my personal freak, the one who knows _exactly _how to make it rough and sexy and alive. I guess some would call us 'fuck-buddies,' but I genuinely like her like a best friend. She knows it's no strings attached, and sometimes I think she understands me better than I understand myself.

I guess sometimes it bothers me, that I don't know how to handle even the _word_ 'love.' There's no reason. I just…don't understand it. If language was a system of numbers, I don't think 'love' would exist. Sometimes I just want out, because I think there's something wrong with me. Sometimes I just want someone to shake me till my brain falls out, to smack some sense into me. But they never do. Larxene doesn't count, because I like it too much and she's not trying to knock sense into me at all. Sometimes that bothers me though.

But then I go out and have sex or numb my brain – not both at the same time though, that would be a disaster – and I forget about it, so it's okay until I remember again.

* * *

**Larxene

* * *

**

My name is Larxene Andersen and I'm a bitch. Insert various inane pleasantries here, and pretend I'm smiling at you. Trust me; it's easier that way.

When I was in school, my teachers were afraid of me. Pussies. Back then I didn't even carry my switchblade. There was just something about me…my eyes, maybe. It's not my fault my parents thought it was a great idea to sign up for the prenatal genetics project. In case you don't know what that means, they basically decided I'd have blonde hair and green eyes, and because of them, I have to be careful what I eat or I'll get ridiculously skinny. I don't care what you say; guys _don't _like girls who look like twigs. My friends always tell me that, and they're guys so I believe them.

But my parents didn't expect my eyes to look like poison, or my hair to be fucked up in the front. I was supposed to be the perfect daughter, the one they could play dress-up with and marry off. But my eyes put people off. My parents hate it. So, naturally, I love it.

But that's not really what I'm trying to tell you. In school, my teachers were afraid of me. I got away with a lot of shit because of that. I was supposed to get good grades, to be the model student. I didn't really care about that, but my mom was a nutjob and she could get pretty creative with her punishments. There was this one time, where she fucking _electrocuted _me…I don't know how. I don't remember much of that night. But I didn't want that to happen ever again. So if I got a bad grade, I'd just go talk to the teacher. I'd make up some bullshit story. And I'd give them my signature look, the one that makes people quiver in fear because they think I'm threatening them. I _was _threatening them, but they had no way to prove it.

They'd always buy my story, even if they _knew_ it was bullshit. I wriggled my way out of detentions that way too.

The point of telling you that is to show why I always get my way. Well, _almost _always. There's these two guys who know me and don't let me get away with shit, but they're allowed to stop me because they're my best friends. I don't call them my best friends. It's not my style to be sentimental. It makes me embarrassed and self-conscious. And if you tell them I told you, I'll kill you. Don't think I'm joking. I've done it before.

I mean, first it was self-defense, everyone knew that. My mom finally lost it and came at me, you know, with a knife, and I turned it on her because I can be really fast when I'm running on adrenaline. It's like the excitement or anxiety makes everything clearer, and my reflexes get better. No one blamed me, except my dad, but he was next. They said that was self-defense, too, but it wasn't. I just knew, from killing my mom, that it felt good to make people scream, to make them beg for mercy. I don't grant it though.

But about my friends. There's Axel, who _is _a stick, naturally, and if he were a girl I'd think maybe he had a thyroid problem or something. But he's not. I dunno…can guys have thyroid problems? He has red hair, the same color as the balloon in _Le Ballon Rouge,_and it's much weirder than mine. His eyes are a strange green, too. I guess I found a sort of kindred spirit in him, as dumb as that sounds.

He's not pretty, like me. He has a bit of an awkward look to him – he's too curvy and his chin is longer than most people's, and he has a funky hairline and bizarre birthmarks under his eyes – but he's very graceful and he has a very distinct brand of personal charm, which most people find hard to resist. So really, you don't even look at _him _for that long. You see his personality, hear his sexy voice, notice it's like he's made of fire, and pretty soon you're thinking he's the best-looking guy in the place, even though he's obviously not.

When I first met him, we hated each other. It was just the two of us, back then. He loved to see me trip and fall – metaphorically and literally – and I loved to see him backed into a corner and angry and hurt. It hit me one morning. We were getting coffee, and he paid for it. Then he told me coffee is a diuretic, and if I really wanted to be more unattractive than I already was, I should just go the whole way and not eat. I told him he should stop speaking from experience, because it made him look like a pussy.

But we both had smiles on our faces, even though we both kind of meant what we said. But that's when it hit me. We both loved to see each other in pain, so in that respect, we were of the same mind. So that made us friends. And I knew he said that, about coffee being a diuretic, because he was trying to tell me he really did care that I was losing weight.

We have this ongoing flirting thing now; I pretend to hit on him, and he pretends he hates me. Neither of us means it. I know he'd never look twice at me, at least not like _that, _and I…well, I have a problem, and it has to do with my other best friend.

Roxas is a little short; he's only a little taller than me, and I'm five-eight. But he's the best-looking guy I've ever seen. He has blond hair, which flips up on one side, and the prettiest blue eyes anyone could ever have. His parents signed up for the project too, just not where I live. Maybe it's a side-effect that the baby's eyes will be too defined, too vivid, and the hair will be fucked up, because his hair looks like he fell asleep on one side and didn't wake up for a lot of years. It doesn't look bad. But it's weird. (Axel has no excuse. He's just a freak.)

He's quieter than I am, and I'm quieter than Axel is, so compared to Axel, Roxas is like a whisper. He's also a little odd. But he's sexy, and dangerous, and when he says something, you _listen, _even though he doesn't seem to expect you to. His voice isn't as sexy as Axel's, but it's silky and perfect and _important. _

Technically, we're just fuck-buddies. I know his story. He told me and Axel one night when we were drunk and stuck in a hotel room because it was a white-out outside and we lived in the new fifth district. I don't actually know where he came from, but I know he thinks he caused the death of the only boyfriend he ever had. I know he can't remember anything from the time he was almost sixteen to the time his parents kicked him out the door. And I know that somewhere deep down, he probably thinks he's unlovable, which is why he keeps breaking people's hearts.

Is it so surprising that I caught onto that? I don't think so. I'm really perceptive; it's how I know how to get into your mind and torture you. But Roxas is the only one I can't do that to. Because…

Because I have a problem. Somehow, I fell in love with him. Somehow, he wriggled his way into my little poison heart, and the first time I realized that, I decided to kill him. I felt like it was his fault, that he'd done it on purpose.

He was drunk. I think he was tripping, too, but you can't always tell with Roxas because even when he's completely gone he can have a decent conversation with you and make you laugh because he's intelligent, not because he's stupid. He still has shitty reflexes when he's like that. It would have been so easy to take advantage of that, just to sit on top of him and then cut him until he was dead.

But he looked up at me (he had his head next to my lap, and his feet stretched out to my side), and he said, "I think I could love you someday."

It wasn't a lie, because Roxas never lies to me. He has this habit of telling the truth when he's out of it anyway, which is why he's always sober when he fucks around with anyone but me. And…how could I kill him, if I had a chance?

Don't think me an idiot for being sentimental. I don't think I could have killed him anyway. I would probably get distracted by the way the blood made him even more beautiful, and then I'd start licking it off him, and we'd probably end up having sex and I'd realize I really can't live without him. It disgusts me. It's pathetic.

But he doesn't know, so it's not like he'll leave me. I'll never, _ever _let him know. Underneath the girl who likes to read anything by the Marquis de Sade, underneath the poison eyes, underneath everything, I think there's still that little girl who got electrocuted for getting in a fight at school, the little girl who didn't understand why she was the only one who got abandoned by her Mommy, and got a jailer instead. Because I hate being alone. And if I did kill Roxas, Axel would leave me too.

* * *

**Axel

* * *

**

Let me tell you a little something about life.

It's not sweet. It's not kind. It's not the magical adventure you dream about when you're a kid. Sometimes you walk down the street and see a woman (who volunteers at the orphanage and organizes charity events and goes to church every Sunday and actually _believes _in it) get hit by a bus. And then all that good is smeared on the street. People point and scream but in the end, they all cross when the sign says 'walk' and forget about her.

Now let me tell you a little something about me.

I grew up in Twilight Town. I never knew my real parents, but I was taken in by a nice family. My mom and dad really loved each other. At least, from what I can remember. They were strict – that I _do _remember – but it was in the way that parents are _supposed _to be strict, so you won't grow up to be an asshole.

Not that it…did much good, but it was the thought that counted, right?

One of my earliest memories is going to a bonfire with my mother. She always loved fire, and she always told me she wished she could live in a fire and never get burned. I don't know why she said that; it's not like I was old enough to understand what that meant anyway.

But my most vivid memory is from when I was six years old. Even now, eighteen years later, it's the thing I dream about, the thing that wakes me up in the middle of the night. It's the last time I ever cried, anyway.

My mom was cooking bacon and humming a song. It was a lullaby – _Dream a Little Dream of Me – _and she liked to sing it to me because I had nightmares when I was little. They were small-child nightmares. Getting lost by myself in a labyrinth, getting ripped apart by dinosaurs, watching a severed head get flushed down a toilet…you know. What can I say? I was a morbid kid with an active imagination.

I noticed she kept flexing her left hand, rubbing her left shoulder, wincing like she was in pain. But when I asked her if she was okay, she told me she just slept funny on her shoulder, and I believed her because Mommy never lied to six-year-old Axel Garner.

In case you didn't see it coming, she had a heart attack. She fell straight onto the pan, and the grease splashed out. It was like an impossible catastrophe, one you only see in B-grade horror films; it made the gas flames go higher, and her hair caught fire, and then her clothes caught fire. I just stood there. I didn't know what to do. My mom wasn't moving, and maybe they could've saved her but I was too scared to move my legs.

Finally, I ran out of my house, screaming, because her face started looking weird, like it was melting. My next-door neighbor called the fire department and the ambulance when she could understand what I was saying, but by that time it was too late. Our house didn't burn down, but I wish it had.

My dad was devastated. I didn't understand completely at the time. The day after the funeral, I tried to cheer him up by telling him not to be sad; it was good that she died, because she died by burning, and she loved fire more than anything.

I think he went a little crazy then. He grabbed me and threw me over his knees, and just…_whaled _on my ass. He just _lost _it.

It didn't become a habit. For the next few days, I knew what would happen if I decided to be around him, because it seemed like no matter what I did, he'd get angry and hit me. I couldn't even sit down any more.

But then one night, he came into my room, kneeled down by my bed, and said he was sorry. He told me it wasn't my fault, that he should never have done that, and that he'd never touch me again.

And he didn't. The last time he hit me was the last time he ever touched me at all.

I didn't really understand, though. I mean, I could have made myself scarce. He wouldn't have actively searched for me. He wasn't getting revenge or anything; I just reminded him of my mom, and when I said it was okay that she died, he lost it a little. But I thought it was my fault, for standing there instead of trying to help her. I thought I deserved to be punished. It made sense to me. I had a dream where she came back and told me it was all my fault, and then her face melted off and she kept screaming, "See? _See!?"_

So when he said he wouldn't do it any more, I was almost disappointed. Not because I _liked _it, but because I thought he was going against what my mom thought was right.

So now, I'm sure you can see why I grew up into…this.

No, I'm not some hideous creep. I'm not a mass murderer. I'm just…really strange about people and touch. I love it, _unless_ I'm sleeping with someone – even though that's really the opposite of most people's preferences, right? I know this because before I met Roxas, I didn't have very many reservations. It's not a bad thing; I just always know what to say to get what I want, and I took advantage of that.

I'm really touchy-feely; probably because I essentially grew up without much physical contact. But, again, outside of sex. Because sex is sex and it's not intimacy, so being touchy-feely during sex would be like getting close to someone.

I'm not afraid of fire any more, or cooking, because I forced myself to learn to cook over a gas stove, and it's actually one of my favorite things to do now. I think it's because when I see a mountain, I want to climb it. And the higher it is, the more excited I get. I mean, that's totally metaphorical, because mountain climbing isn't appealing to me at all.

But after I did that, I had nothing else to do. I was just drifting…and I had no real purpose in my life, because for years my purpose _was _to get over that stupid fear. So I thought, _why not just live it up? It's not like I'll ever need a job._

That's the other thing. My grandma died and left everything she had to me. I don't know why; we never got along. I think it's because she hated my dad and wanted to spite him, honestly. And what she _had _was a mansion on the outskirts of Twilight Town and a couple million dollars, a bunch of jewelry and really nice furniture. I didn't want the mansion. I didn't need the jewelry. And the furniture had always looked ugly to me. So I sold it all except one bed and one armchair, and got an apartment in Traverse Town. I'm still getting payments from the guy who bought the mansion. Some researcher named Ansem Dizworth. He's an asshole, but he's a _rich _asshole, so I'm not saying anything.

But back to living it up. About a year and a half ago, I met a girl, Larxene. She was just graduating high school at the time, and I was about to turn twenty-three, but the age gap didn't really bother us because it wasn't like we were having sex. We just hung out a lot. I didn't even know _why; _she's a bitch. The kind I don't usually like.

But eventually, I realized she was all right, as long as our little flirting game was only a game. She's pretty, but _not _my type. I don't know why she's not. According to my track record, she should be. But she's just not appealing to me.

Anyway, I'm not going to go into that. Instead, I'm going to tell you about the best thing that ever happened to me. It's also the worst thing, but sometimes I get those two mixed up. It _can_ be both, you know.

Eight months ago, she introduced me to a guy. His name is Roxas. And he's perfect.

There's something about him; maybe it's just that I _know _he's dangerous. I _know _he's the kind of guy who could completely overpower me, even though he's about six inches shorter than me. I'm six-four. Larxene calls me a mutant. She has _no _right to talk.

You know, I'm _not _the kind of guy who _likes _to be overpowered. I went around the block a few (dozen) times, but if they were guys, I always fucked them, not the other way around. It's because I didn't care about any of them. And I never wanted to wake up next to them. Larxene calls it the 'dine and dash' method, which sounds crude because it really is. I won't lie. I'm an asshole. But I didn't even know any of them well enough to feel bad about it.

I can't fuck around with anyone any more. Now I know Roxas. And I can't imagine myself with anyone but him. It makes me a little sick to think about it, actually. Because I love him. Christ, we've never even touched in any intimate way, and I love him.

He doesn't know. Of _course _he doesn't. I don't even think Larxene knows. I don't know why I'm so helplessly devoted to him, either, but I _do _know I'd let him fuck me. No. I wouldn't _let_ him. I'd _beg_ for it. But I don't think he'd ever say yes. I don't know what his deal is – why he'll mess around with Larx but he won't even touch me – but I know he wouldn't do anything with me. Sometimes if he catches me watching him, he'll bite down _hard_ on his index finger or the side of his hand, like he's sickened by the thought of us together.

And it's not because he's picky, either. I've seen him with girls, guys, and those people you can stare at all day and still not know what gender they are. He always closes his eyes during sex – he told me so. He doesn't want to see them, because he doesn't like to see their eyes. I don't know what would be worse – getting rejected in true Roxas fashion, or being accepted but knowing he won't look at me because I don't _mean_ enough to keep his eyes open.

We're going out again tonight. He likes going out, and I can't just let him go out alone. He'd get himself roughed up if he wasn't careful, and he's never careful. Sometimes I wonder if that's his aim, but he's not like me. I don't think so, anyway. Sometimes I feel like a bodyguard, even though I know he doesn't need one. I just…wouldn't be able to stand it if he got hurt, or even worse, killed.

So we'll be at Area 51 tonight. It'll be me, Roxas, and Larxene. Like always.

Like always.


	2. I

**I

* * *

****Roxas

* * *

**

Area 51 is my favorite club. It's the best place to pick up freaks, since _everyone_ here is a freak and no one's ashamed of it. Sliding through the crowds, moving to the music, feeling the beats pulse through me like a better heartbeat than mine, I can feel a whip coiled on someone's hip. _That's _why I like Area 51. Nobody cares if you're a freak. You're still normal, to them. You don't have to pretend.

I think I have two younger sisters. They're the sweetest girls you could ever lay eyes on. Twins. Pretty blue eyes. I think they make me angry.

I don't think it's _them, _really. They never really did anything to me except be sweet. But they weren't _projects._ They were just normal girls, who turned out to be gorgeous. When my parents signed up for the PGP, I think they were hoping for something different than what they got. They signed up for another program too, but it was illegal – intelligence-based, instead of looks. They thought I'd be the second coming of Einstein or something equally stupid.

Yes, I'm smart. But I know I'm a freak. There's something wrong with my brain; I can solve pretty much any equation you throw at me, but sometimes when I was younger I'd answer direct questions with numbers too. You know: what do you want to eat? Seven, three, twenty. It just made more sense to me that way. It still does, but I've taught myself how to block that out.

Nine months after they figured I'd never be anything but their strange quiet son, they sent me to stay with an old friend of my dad's for a few days. He's okay. He and his wife were nice to me, anyway. They have a son, who had just learned to sit up for a few seconds when I went to stay with them. I was only five at the time, so I didn't get to hold Sora very often and when I did, I had to sit on the couch. I liked holding him, even if I didn't like to touch anyone else, because he always smiled at me and never looked at me like the adults looked at me.

When I came home a week later, my parents sat me down and told me that I now had two little sisters, and I'd better stay out of the way so they could give them the love and attention they needed. I asked if they were still going to love _me, _just to make sure.

My mom said yes, at the same time my dad said no. It didn't bother me much, since I knew his answer before he said it _(her_ answer threw me, but it didn't register right away), but she got mad at him. And I left. I just left the room; I didn't really understand what was going on, but I knew my mom could get pretty scary when she got angry. So I went in to see my new baby sisters.

They were kind of ugly to me. They're _not_ ugly, but I'd never seen a newborn, and I didn't understand why they were so boring. I poked one of them and she started crying, which was when my parents came rushing into the room. My mom picked the baby up – the blanket was pink, so I know it was Kairi – and my dad took me out of the room.

He sat me down on my bed and said, "I told you to stay out of the way. That means you're not allowed to be around your sisters without me."

I think my dad's a little crazy. Crazier than me, even. He never hit me or anything; he just used a voice on me. It made me feel like I was a bad person. And I don't think he meant to do it; I actually think he was afraid of me. When he scolded me, I didn't cry or look away. When he talked to me – when _anyone _talked to me – I just sat there and stared at them, listening, even if I never looked them in the eye. I think he thought it was the experiment that made me like that, and I think he was right; I also think that's why he wanted different kids. Normal kids.

He got them. I never got too close to either of them, but Naminé always snuck textbooks and novels into my room when I was being punished, and once she drew a crayon picture of us. We were standing close to each other, and Kairi was on my other side, and our mom and dad were lying down on one side, looking very much dead. She was only eight, but she knew they treated us differently, and she didn't like it.

The last time I saw either of them is right before that blank spot. There was a day where we all snuck out; they were almost eleven, and I was almost fifteen, so I wasn't able to drive them alone but I did anyway. We drove to the beach and then took a boat to the little island all the kids play on, and we had a picnic. When we went back home…actually, I don't know what happened after that. I remember sneaking in through Kairi's window, because it was the only one we could all reach, and laughing with Naminé because Kairi kept slipping and she was tiring out, even though it was the middle of the day, but then it wasn't so funny when she fell and got cut and it wouldn't stop bleeding.

And then there's nothing. I don't know where they went, but they weren't there when I left the house. Maybe the whole thing was a dream. I never saw any pictures of them. But I do have the picture Naminé drew, so it's all confusing.

I don't know why I'm thinking about them right now. I haven't thought about them in over a year, after all. It might be because I just saw a girl with blonde hair and blue eyes, and she looked delicate like Naminé and wore white like Naminé. I can't find her now, and all of a sudden I don't really feel like dancing any more.

"Hey…I'm leaving. You guys staying or coming with me?"

Larxene looks at Axel, who looks at me and says, "We're coming with you."

I don't know why they always check with each other. They probably have something going on behind my back. I probably shouldn't care about it, but…I can't help it. They're my best friends. Axel knows about me and Larx – we don't even kick him out of the room any more. He always leaves anyway, but that's not the point. I don't know why they feel like they have to hide it from me.

And when I think about Larxene with Axel…it makes me strangely angry. Not at Axel, but at Larxene. I think it's because Axel isn't like us. He's the kind of guy who could probably make something of himself, if he really applied all of his _god_-given intelligence. And maybe it's just because I don't want him to be ruined.

Larxene has a fondness for playing with people like they're toys, and he's not someone I want her to toy with. He's _special. _That's why I ignore it when I want to touch him, even though I end up biting and scratching at my own skin to get rid of the sensation. At those times, it's not enough to just sleep with someone else. So I'm a freak. That's why I hang _out_ at Area 51.

I _know_ he's a big boy. I know he can take care of himself. That doesn't mean I'm not angry. And I think what makes me the angriest is that I know they'd both be better off without me dragging them down, but I don't like to think about that. It's easier to think of the other part.

I can tell I'm glaring because Larxene says, "Chill out, Rox. If you didn't want us to come, you shouldn't have asked."

"I want you to come home with me," I reply firmly. I know they can't hear the desperation in my voice and that's the way I planned it. How would they react if I'm getting angry just because they have something between them? It would probably be _good_ for both of them. Like nine, like fourteen.

Axel smiles. "Then it's decided."

He throws his arm over my shoulders and Larxene walks by my side. This is how we always walk around. I don't know why; shouldn't Axel be on the other side, holding her hand or something? Well, whatever. As long as he doesn't touch my face or the collar of my shirt, I can deal with it. I'm used to it, even if it still makes me uncomfortable.

I'm driving home because I'm the only one who didn't drink anything. I'm always the designated driver, because I hate being drunk in public (alcohol makes me react differently than anything else), and I hate having sex when I'm even the _tiniest _bit inebriated. I'm afraid of saying something in the middle. I might blurt out Larx's name (or worse, Axel's), or maybe that they're ugly. It'll all be true, but it's still not a very good idea when you're in the middle of something like that. It could maybe hurt them and then it wouldn't be fun, it would just be emotional. I wouldn't know how to deal with something like that.

Axel doesn't live very far from the club. I have my own place, and so does Larxene, but we stay at Axel's more often than not because he's the one with the king-sized bed and the awful pink armchair none of us can stay awake in. So it doesn't take very long for me to get home. Larx is curled up in the back and Axel's sitting beside me. His eyes are a little glazed, like he's had only one too many.

And he's looking at me.

I don't like it when he looks at me like that. He makes my whole body itch and I need to scratch it away from my skin, so it doesn't become a problem somewhere else. I can't have that kind of problem in front of him and if I don't scratch it away, Axel _gives_ me that kind of problem. All he has to do is _look _at me in that certain way, and bite the cracking skin off his dry lips like he's doing now. Sometimes I want to get rid of him, because he scares me. I've never killed anyone but Larxene says it's liberating…but I can't. I _won't. _I could probably get away with it, but I don't _want _to get away with it.

Sometimes I think I'm a little crazy.

"Take a picture. It'll last longer," I say. Then I turn the keys and take them out of the ignition. It's going to be a bad night, I can tell, but I have Ether in my coat pocket. I was going to throw it away when some girl slipped it to me – I'm not really into that, unless my head gets too full – but it's a good thing I didn't get a chance. I _hate _bad nights. Ether makes everything numb and silent, and when I'm out of it, the numbers disappear.

I get Larxene from the back and pick her up. She's really light, so carrying her up the stairs isn't that hard; and I don't get uncomfortable carrying her, like I do touching her when she's awake, so I like to do it. Axel walks behind us when we go up the stairs so that if I trip, he can put a hand on my back and keep me from falling. It's never happened, but he always does it anyway.

Larxene gets the bed tonight, because she's wasted. I realize I was lucky to catch her before she went back to the dance floor, because she might have passed out. She looks uncharacteristically innocent, covered to her chin with Axel's fluffy green comforter, and I have to leave the room because it makes me think maybe I should just leave them alone. They could be good for each other. They could be good together. They could probably love each other. And love, even thinking the word love, makes me sick in that strange way.

Axel sits next to me on the couch, and I pull my knees in front of me so he can't get too close. I put my chin on them and look at the floor; I'm afraid to look at him, because he might be looking at me _like that _again.

Even thinking about it makes me itchy.

"I have to piss," I mutter, and then I stand up and almost run to the bathroom. It's a nice bathroom. I always feel a little bad for what I'm about to do, but I can't help it. It's his fault anyway. It's his _fault._ So I don't feel guilty when I sit down on the side of his bathtub and find a good vein for the Ether, before getting started on the itch in my skin. At least I'll only bleed in the tub; I can wash it down the drain when I take a shower after this.

* * *

**Axel

* * *

**

I'm worried about Roxas. That's probably a given, though; I know he's going through some shit right now. I don't know _what _it is, but lately he refuses to even get buzzed, where before he was always the one Larx and I would worry about. So I know he's hiding something big. Otherwise, he wouldn't be avoiding honesty.

I wish he would talk to me. I wish he'd give me something – _anything. _I'm a good friend, right? What is it he thinks he can't say? He should know by now I'll never leave him, even if he doesn't know _why. _That's just the way it is between us.

He's been in there for a long time. Too long. I don't care who you are, nobody pisses for that long. I'm about to get up and make sure he's okay, but then I hear the water running. Today's one of _those _days, then. I don't know why, but some days he'll just stand in the shower for a long time.

I wish I could see him, sometimes. He has this weird thing where he never takes his clothes off in front of people, even during sex. It's probably just one of his random neuroses, but I want to see what he looks like under his clothes. I know I'll probably never _get_ to see, though. He's a freak. But I love him, so what does that say about me?

I'm not sure how much time has passed now, but I know I don't mind sitting on the couch waiting for Roxas to be finished. I have to _see _him before I sleep, or I won't be able to sleep for worry anyway.

I don't think he knows, but I didn't drink tonight. I'm always a little paranoid about drinking in public at the same time as Larxene, because what if Roxas gets into something he can't handle? It's never happened. He's strong, and he can take care of himself. He's a big boy. But I still hate feeling like I might not be able to help him.

In the car, I think he thought I was a little out of it. Not drunk, but not sober either. It's not that. I was just watching him. He has this habit of biting the inside of his cheek between two teeth – his canines are a little longer than his other teeth, and he gets a little patch of skin between his right canine and the tooth below it and gnaws on it until it bleeds. He does it when he's upset or nervous. In this weird, inexplicable way, it makes him look vulnerable. His face changes a little; it gets softer somehow.

The moon was shining on his face, and…well, _fuck, _he looked amazing. He caught me staring, but he didn't seem upset. At least, not about _that. _A small part of me wants him to keep thinking I'm not all there, because then I can just watch him without drawing suspicion to myself. But mostly I just want him, and now I wish I _was _buzzed. No, I wish I was completely wasted. I don't want to think about this right now, not when he's standing in my shower, probably freezing again because he doesn't seem to notice when the water goes cold.

The water shuts off and I breathe a sigh of relief. I don't want to think he's passed out under the water, but I do think that sometimes. I guess I'm still morbid about a lot of things.

The door opens and suddenly I can't breathe. He's still damp, and his towel is snug on his hips. He's skinnier than I thought he'd be. His clothes are bunched in his arms, and they're also soaking wet, which is most likely why he's not wearing them. He's shivering.

I want to look away before I do or say something stupid, but I can't help but stare. When he sees me on the couch, he stops short, and his eyes go very wide. "I thought you'd be asleep," he says softly, sounding as if he really wishes I was asleep. He keeps motioning with his arms, like he wants to bring them up to hide his chest, but for some reason he refuses to lift them fully.

"I wanted to make sure you didn't drown like a loser," I reply. I know if I tell him the truth, if he knows I'm worried, he'll be angry. He won't say anything, but it will be obvious anyway.

I don't know why he thinks no one's allowed to love him. I'm not stupid; I know he doesn't just go around breaking hearts for no reason. And I think the reason he doesn't care is because he doesn't even see it.

"Well, you'll be happy to know I'm alive and well," he says with an ugly look on his face. I don't know what his problem is.

"Did I insult you in some way, Roxas? Or do you really think I _like _condescension?"

That makes him smile, because I used my 'rich man' voice. He finds it amusing, which is the purpose, really. "I'm insulted every time I look at your face. Find me some dry clothes, ugly."

I laugh. He always says the weirdest shit, but it always sounds good because his voice is perfect. As I'm walking into the bedroom, I think I see red lines on his arms and red spots on his clothes, but I know it's a trick of the light because he's not the kind of person who would hurt himself like that.

When I come out with long pants and a sweatshirt, he's already back in the bathroom and I crack the door so I can set the clothes on the sink. Our little moment of relaxed indecency is over, I know. When he comes out of the bathroom, he'll be fully covered again and even though we'll probably talk more about stupid shit, it won't be the same.

Sure enough, he's wearing my huge sweatshirt and drawn into himself like he wants to be a turtle. I hate it when he does that, because it makes him look opposite of what he is. He's not shy, but that's what he looks like when he hides in my clothes. But it's a shower night, so I already knew to expect it.

I like seeing him in my clothes, but I wish he'd stand up straight and elegant like he does when he's in his own.

He doesn't look at me when he sits down. I should be used to it by now, but I'm not.

"Roxas."

"What," he asks quietly. He doesn't seem very interested in whatever I'm about to say, but truthfully, I'm not either. I didn't have anything in mind when I talked to him in the first place; I just wanted to say his name.

"Are you cold?" I made it up on the spot, but it's actually a valid question. It just started snowing; I can see it through the crack in the curtains. It's still July, but Traverse Town doesn't care about the calendar, apparently.

"A little."

"Come here then," I tell him, and hold out my arm. He looks at me for a long moment, and I figure he's going to say no. He doesn't really like physical contact, unless it's sexual. But he surprises me by scooting close and leaning into me. He's stiff as a board, but I like it anyway. This is the most physical contact we've ever had, and I know it's just warmth for Roxas. Call me an idiot; you're probably right. I'm killing myself like this, but I can't let go now. I feel like I was born halfway formed, and Roxas completes the picture when he leans against me.

God, I'm so pathetic.

He finally relaxes and puts his head on my chest, listening to my heart beat, and sighs. I think he's going to stay silent or even fall asleep, but he surprises me again.

"What are you _doing _here, Axel?"

I blink, and wonder what the _hell _he's talking about. "What do you mean?"

"I mean…why do you stay here? Why do you stay with me? I'm just a nobody in a somebody world and I'm okay with that. But you…you could take Larx and do something great with your life. You both have so much potential. Why are you wasting it on someone like me?"

His voice is quiet and frank. I _know _this voice, and suddenly I'm a little angry. Don't get me wrong, I'm not upset at _him, _directly. But I really wish he'd say what he's thinking when he's _not _completely fucked up. I wonder when it happened, because he seemed fine earlier.

I shrug and answer, "I like being here with you. Is that such a surprise to you?"

"Yeah." He puts his hand on my stomach and I jump, mostly because I can feel how cold his hands are even through my shirt, but partly because he's never this physical with me. He still stiffens whenever I put my arm around his shoulders, even though I've been doing it since we met.

"_Why?"_

"Because you and Larx are perfect together. You're perfect and I'm still the one walking in the middle. I can hear your heartbeat and it's perfect. It doesn't skip around like mine. It would sound perfect next to hers. I don't understand why you still care whether or not I'm cold when she's in there looking perfect."

I hate it that even though he's too far gone to remember this in the morning, he seems like he's in control of his speech. It _sounds _like he knows what he's saying. He's always so controlled. But things like this tell me he's not as in control of his thoughts as he is of his speech and mannerisms.

"I could never be with Larxene like that," I say. I don't add that I could only be like that with him, even though I know he won't remember.

"But aren't you already?"

I laugh. I don't mean to. And I think it hurts him, but I can't help it. "Of course not. What gave you that crazy notion?"

"But you _did."_

Whatever he's on, it's getting to his brain now, because that doesn't quite make sense. I start to tell him so, but he sits up and puts a finger on my lips. I honestly don't know if I can breathe for very much longer if he keeps coming closer. His finger never leaves my lips but he's close enough to kiss me. I know he won't, but I can't help but hope.

"Shut up," he says. "You're wrong. You should get out while you still can. You both should. And you _did,_ so don't bite your lips because it doesn't make _sense."_

I could remark that the only thing that doesn't make sense is him, but I don't. I just put my arms around him and pull him close and feel really disappointed when he tucks his head into my neck instead of kissing me. I don't want him to fall asleep because I'm actually worried about his state of _mind_ tonight, but after a while he doesn't seem to be able to keep his eyes open.

I want to fall asleep like this, but I know he'd freak out if he woke up in my arms, so I carry him to my bedroom and put him next to Larxene before I curl up on the couch under a couple of blankets. I don't look back, even though I want to, because I know that seeing him next to her will only hurt.

Because if anyone's perfect, it's them. They're like a wedding ring, and I'm just the little plastic circle you get out of a crackerjack box.

* * *

**Larxene

* * *

**

I love waking up next to Roxas, and I love it that I'm the only one he ever wakes up with. I make sure not to watch him for too long, because he's a light sleeper, but I can't help it this morning. His eyelashes are long and thick, but they don't hide the tears. I wonder why they're there; he never cries or anything and he doesn't look like he's in pain or sick. Maybe his eyes are just runny.

Suddenly his eyes fly open and he shouts, "Kairi!"

I might be jealous, but that wasn't anything close to pleasure. He sounded panicked, like this 'Kairi' was about to fall off a cliff or something. He blinks and looks around, and when he sees me, he looks away, probably embarrassed to be caught in a nightmare.

"Sorry," he says. "Did I wake you?"

"No, I woke up maybe five minutes before you yelled like a loser. I just didn't want to sit up, but you startled me."

He smiles at that. "Lazy-ass."

I shrug. "Who's Kairi?"

He frowns, like he doesn't know why I asked. Maybe he doesn't remember what he dreamed or the words he woke up with. "I think she's my sister."

I fold my arms and raise an eyebrow, because it actually looks good on me. "Really? You _think?"_

"Yeah. I haven't seen her in years…sometimes I wonder if she really exists. Why do you ask?"

"You said her name in your sleep." It's close enough to the truth to not be a lie. "I thought maybe she was competition." I bat my eyelashes, just to show I'm not serious.

He rolls his eyes. "Even if she wasn't my sister, the last time I saw her, she was eleven. That's really sick."

"Well _I _didn't know that," I point out.

He sits still for a minute before saying, "Let's go make Axel cook us breakfast."

For some reason, I feel like I've overstepped some boundary, tripped a wire, and ruined something. It's an irrational fear, and I'm probably wrong, but as I watch his back as he leaves the room, I want to run after him and drag him back to bed and never let go. It makes me _sick_ to see how pathetically attached I am, because I've always _hated _clingy girls. They really give a bad name to all women.

But I guess I'm just a little girl in some ways. I'm three years younger than Roxas and four years younger than Axel, and sometimes I feel like the metaphorical small fish in a big pond. Actually, I think it's supposed to go the other way – big fish in a small pond – but it describes the same feeling. I'm different and I don't fit.

It's times like these when I really want to go destroy something. I sometimes have these thoughts…I see myself standing in a cloud of electricity, letting down all reservations and getting rid of all the idiots in the world. I know I wouldn't ever do something like that, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to.

I want everyone to know that I'm _not _just some clingy little girl. I'm pretty but I'm not a Barbie doll. I'm light but I'm not weak. I want everyone to know that Larxene Andersen can and will kick your ass without a second thought.

But you know…I think if I did anything drastic, it would just prove everyone's theory correct. I'd just be a little kid throwing a tantrum. A huge, destructive tantrum, but a tantrum all the same.

So I get up and follow him. By the time I step through the door, Axel is already up, and his hair looks even worse than usual. He looks like he just rubbed his porcupine head with a very sturdy balloon.

"Minion! Fix breakfast for myself and my lady," Roxas jokes, even while putting on an apron. He likes cooking with Axel. I don't know why; I think cooking is really boring. He's so random.

Usually Axel will shoot something back, and we'll all laugh, but he doesn't. He watches Roxas and he looks tired, like his energy is sapped. It's weird; usually, he's very lively. It's almost like… And now it hits me.

He's just like me.

I hate him right now. I _hate him. _I don't know what he thinks he's doing, standing around and never making a move. Maybe he's biding his time. _Hah._

I won't let him take Roxas away from me. I know there's a reason Roxas doesn't touch him, and I won't take a chance and find out it's because he sees Axel like we see him. _No._

Roxas glares at Axel and flicks butter at him when he says something I didn't catch, and I turn around and leave the kitchen. Fuck. I can't watch this. Would it still be considered a tantrum, if I pushed him out his own window? I don't know why I feel like I need to. He's not competition. He's not even _trying _to compete. But that doesn't matter. He could still win, and I can't take that. They'll leave me behind. I'm younger than they are, and they'd probably find out just how much if they bothered to look.

I lock myself in the bathroom and put my hand over my mouth and lean forward, because I feel like I'm going to throw up. But I know it's not that. I know something deep inside of me is waking up and starting to panic.

God. I'm so pathetic.


	3. II

**II

* * *

Larxene

* * *

**

Today's a pretty good day. My stomach is settled from my little panic attach two weeks ago, when I thought Axel felt the same way as I do about Roxas. But after watching them, I've realized it's impossible. There's just no way he could stand by and not even  
_touch _him.

I could be wrong. It seems like the better I know a person, the harder it is for me to read them. But I don't want to be wrong, _can't _be wrong. Axel isn't…he would at least kiss him, once. Yeah.

Something's bothering Roxas, but I think he's getting better. He's started dancing again – you know, _really _dancing. The kind you do when you're _not _trying to seduce anyone, when you're alone in front of the mirror and no one cares. Except Roxas is really good, so dancing in front of the mirror is the same as seducing someone anyway.

But his eyes are closed and he's clinging to the rhythm like it could steady his heartbeat. I don't know why that's such a big deal for him, the arrhythmia. It's not like it makes him any less of a person. It's probably tied in with all the other things I don't know about him.

Area 51 is a nice club, but this new one – Vertigo – is disgusting. It's more like a sex lounge than an actual dance club, and Roxas is one of the only people _actually _dancing. All the rest are –

"Do it again, fucker, and I'll break all your little fingers off," I murmur in the guy's ear after pulling him close. Ugh. As I was saying, everyone else is either overly sexual or groping my ass. It's places like these that just fuel that drive I have, to just _kill _something.

I squeeze his fingers in warning and then shove him away from me. He says, "You're _crazy!" _I just grin at him, showing my teeth because it puts people off, especially because of my eyes.

And speaking of eyes, Axel has his trained on Roxas. I'm not surprised. He always watches Roxas like a hawk, probably because Roxas is one of the most reckless people I've ever met. It doesn't show on the outside, but I know he'll do almost anything if it gives him a thrill. You know – if it will help him run away from whatever it is he's avoiding. If I were Axel, I'd do the same; Roxas and I are the only two people he has in his life. He doesn't want to lose Roxas to carelessness.

I nudge him and say, "You should go dance with him."

Axel raises a mutant-eyebrow at me. It's short and weird and it looks funny when he raises it, but by now it's more endearing than off-putting. "Dance? With _Roxas?"_

"No, with that gorilla onstage," I say. There isn't a stage. And there aren't any gorillas around here, either. Everyone's pretty good-looking, actually.

"But why?"

I love it when he's confused because I get to laugh at him. "Because he's the only one on the floor with any decent moves, and because _you're _a really good dancer, and because I'll stab you in the face if you don't."

He knows I'm just kidding about the stabbing part, but he raises his hands defensively anyway. "Okay, okay. As you wish, milady." And he bows, like I'm royalty, but he's mocking me. He's such a fucking _ass_ sometimes.

Here's a little known fact for you: Axel was a ballet dancer. It doesn't seem like him, does it? He hasn't even told me. The only reason I know is because I snooped in his closet one day and found an old pair of shoes and a photograph. He was onstage, in front of the other dancers, holding hands with an example of perfection. Her hair is dark, and pulled into a bun, and her outfit – I can't remember what they're called – fits her like it's a part of her. Her legs are perfectly shaped. Her eyes are hazel and perfectly set, and brought out by the glitter surrounding them. She's dropped into a pose, almost down on one knee. The traditional 'ballerina curtsy.' There's a signature on the back.

_Keep dancing, no matter what._

_Rachel Forbes._

Normally, I'd jump all over the chance to mock him about his girly hips, at the very least, but there are some things even _I _won't do. I'm a sadistic bitch, a _killer, _but I'm a sucker for movement. And besides, if he had enough self-confidence to dance _ballet, _it wouldn't affect him anyway. Fucking weirdo.

I don't know why he doesn't talk about it anyway, but I _do _know that his obvious talent carried over into other types of dancing. He looks perfect out there, next to Roxas. They're doing some fucked-up cross between Jiving and square dancing. It would look ridiculous on anyone else but they just make it look really good. It looks…sexual, too.

For a second I wonder why Roxas is letting Axel touch him so much, but then I see his eyes. He's not even here in this club. He probably thinks he's dancing with a fairy princess or something.

I cross my arms across my chest. Even though I'm not as good as they are, I suddenly regret telling Axel to dance with Roxas. I still get that feeling sometimes, that Axel will somehow take Roxas away. It's irrational and stupid, but I still get it.

"Hey," someone says, tapping my shoulder. I turn around to snarl at whoever it is, but I stop short because she doesn't even look old enough to be here. She has that same faraway look in her eyes, and I know she's totally fucked up. She's pretty. Light blonde hair, beautiful blue eyes, lips that quirk up only slightly at the corners. She's wearing a white sundress. I don't know why the fuck she's wearing a sundress in Traverse Town's winter, but whatever. It's not like I can talk; I'm wearing one my many 'little black dresses.'

"What?"

"Dance with me?"

She doesn't look like the forward type. She looks like the kind of girl who would be deathly afraid of me, if she was even on this planet right now. But she moves gracefully even through her shaking, and I have nothing to do but watch my two best friends act like they're about to get it on (which isn't very appealing, because it's _them),_ so I take her hand and pull her into the crowd. She smiles at me and it really is a pretty smile, even though it's small. I don't know why, but she reminds me of Roxas. Just a little. She's also a very good dancer.

I'm not the type who likes to be lead, if I'm dancing with another girl. I like to be the one in charge. But for some reason, this girl makes it even. It's just a dance between two people. There's no lead. Maybe I'm just sick of having to prove myself all the time.

Besides, it's no fun being dominant when there's no challenge.

I lose track of time. It's just me and her, our hands on each other, feeling and moving to the music. Every so often she jerks in a really weird way and stutters something I can't make out, but I know it's just because she's on something. I think if I was as fucked up as she is, I would probably want to kiss her. As it is, pulling her closer doesn't seem like a bad idea, but I don't. We have a rhythm going, and to close the distance would be to ruin the rhythm. I wouldn't mind, normally, but on the dance floor everything changes. That's why _I _like dancing; as soon as I start, I turn into someone else, someone much more fluid than I really am. No one flinches away from me.

I _like _who I am, usually, but sometimes I get tired of everyone being afraid of me when I haven't even _done _anything to them yet. That's why I stuck with Axel in the beginning. He wasn't afraid of me.

"You're beautiful," the girl says. I'm surprised it's so clear.

"I know," I reply. I don't know what else to say.

"Mar-may-my-the…he would li-ke you," she stutters. I think she's trying to say something important and butchering it because she's thinking too hard. I don't know who 'he' is, obviously, and I don't really care if he'd like me or not. So I just laugh.

"I doubt I'd like him," I say, leaning forward a little to say it in her ear. It's probably true; I don't like very many people. I'm still not sure why I'm still dancing with her.

She giggles, and it would be a happy sound another time, I think. But it's not happy. "Good! You're, you're a, a fl-ower. He'll th-throw you away, old-d fl-lowers, and…you're beaut-t-tiful. A flower."

I really don't know what the fuck she's talking about, but I won't lie and say I don't _like_ what she's saying. Nobody calls me beautiful any more. It's always something like 'terrifying' or 'hot.' I'm not generally a needy person, but I think any girl likes to hear that she's beautiful.

"You are too," I tell her. It's not a lie. I figure she likes flowers, since she talks about them so much, so I inexplicably add, "I bet you could be a lily, or a gardenia. Or a white rose." Whatever possessed me to say that should be hunted down and stabbed. Repeatedly.

Suddenly she stops dancing and throws her arms around my shoulders. For a second I think she's going to kiss me, but then she puts her face in my neck and starts crying. I'm really not equipped to deal with this kind of shit. I practically live with two guys who would rather slit their own wrists than talk about how they feel or cry in front of anyone (not that they actually _do _that), and this is new. I want to push her off, but she's stronger than she looks and she's got me in a weird position anyway. My arms are pinned to my sides.

I'm very, very irritated with her, and part of me is glad they search for weapons at the door because I sort of feel like knifing her. She's a very pretty girl, and I think she'd be prettier painted in red. Instead of a white rose, she could be fire-and-ice, a rare beauty.

And then I catch myself before I go too far into my own fantasy.

I walk backwards and she follows me, clinging to me like a leech. I finally reach the bar and sit down, and she just sits down on my lap. I don't know why she's suddenly latched onto me, but I really wish I hadn't said anything about flowers.

Whatever it is she's on is obviously finishing its course, because she's at the really emotional stage. I can tell she's coming down. I don't want to have to deal with this, really, but it's not like I can just push her off like I'd do with someone else. She'll probably break, and then I'll get charged with murder for real this time.

And there's still that little reminder. She reminds me of Roxas. I pet her hair a little; maybe she'll let go if she thinks I won't leave. After a few minutes, she looks up at my face and slurs, "He p-prrromised me. I-I th-ought he wo-wouldn't throw me aw-w-way. They knew bet-t-ter but I wanted t-to believe him…h-he promised…"

At first I think maybe she's talking about a really ugly breakup, but I'm pretty sure it's more than just that. She sounds betrayed in the way a girl should never sound, no matter who they are. Like she was trampled on, used and cast aside. I wonder what happened, and I hate myself for wondering, because she shouldn't matter to me at all.

She's starting to fall asleep. Shit. Even _I'm _not heartless enough to leave her here alone when she's passed out. But I don't want to take her home, because I really don't want another girl around tonight. I don't even want Axel around tonight. I want Roxas really bad. So I roll my eyes and pick her up. She weighs about as much as a piece of paper, and I can feel her bones poking into me. I carry her out, only stopping at the coat check so we don't freeze.

I know the guy who owns the hotel in the second district, and we get along pretty well, since he helped me get settled in Traverse Town. It's just across the street from Vertigo. So I take her there and tell him I'm calling in the favor he owes me – I saved him from dying, once, when some punks I hated thought it was a good idea to knife him and take everything he had on him. I don't know why I'm doing this, but when he sees the girl in my arms he says, "This'll be a freebie. I didn't know you had it in you!"

I know he's talking about being nice, because it's obvious I'm not going to sleep with her, and he knows I'm not a _virgin,_ since I brought people back when I was living here.

I leave her in the red room, my old room. I don't know why, but suddenly I leave her a note, with my name and number on it. I notice a pocket on her dress – I don't know why I didn't see it before – and I can't believe it, oh god. What the fuck.

I _know _this isn't sugar.

I'm going home. I can't deal with this shit.

What the fuck.

* * *

**Axel

* * *

**

I think there's something really wrong with me. No, I _know _there's something wrong with me. I wouldn't be doing this if there wasn't. I'd be miles away; doing all the boring things Roxas thinks I should be doing, if I didn't have a problem. But, _fuck. _I can't _help it. _

Larxene told me to dance with him, and I did. I'm an _idiot. _He's far away from me, even though he's closer than he's ever been. I don't know where Larxene went, but I saw her dancing with a skinny blonde girl a couple of minutes ago and I really just want her to come here and save me. I can't stop dancing on my own.

It's like I'm sixteen again and dancing with Rachel for the first time, except Rachel was a ballerina and I was a hormonal teenager. And this is worse. If Roxas wasn't so busy being high, he'd know how much all this…can I call this grinding, even if it really isn't? He'd know how much it affects me. I don't know what triggers it, but every so often he twists his hips against mine, or comes really close. It's like he's breathing in the smell of my neck or something. And then of course he steps away, quick footwork and wild eyes.

Rachel was an excellent partner, but it's like Roxas and I were made to dance together. I get that same feeling – the one I got a couple of weeks ago, when he leaned against my chest. Like I'm actually a whole person when he's touching me. What the fuck. It doesn't make any sense, really, because I know this isn't _personal_ for him, and I _am _a whole person already. He probably doesn't even know who I am right now.

Roxas catches my hand and leans out, moving his leg slowly in a circle like a rond de jambe, and I have a sudden urge to lift him because that's something Rachel had to do onstage a couple of times. I'm moving on automatic because it's ingrained after eight years of dancing, and it's a good thing because with everything I'm thinking and everything he's doing to me, if my body didn't know how to work on its own I'd just be standing here like an idiot.

I pull him very close and he says my name. I'm shocked. Not just because he really does know who he's dancing with, but because the way he said it wasn't friendly at all. It was something between a whisper of despair and a plea, and I really want to hate him right now for doing this to me.

And then he spins out again, catching my hand at the last second.

I draw him back in and he lands with his back against my chest. He looks up at me and puts his hand up by my ear, and our legs move out and around, spinning us backward. He arches with the movement. And I know to anyone else it looks like I'm leading, but I'm just following what he does, because I don't know how to dance like this. I'm a quick learner but I'm not _that _quick.

His hand drags lightly down my cheek and that urge to hate him gets even stronger. Then suddenly he turns around in a very fluid sweep, hand never leaving my face, and he grabs my hair and brings my face down and kisses me.

_Shit._

I know I should stop him, push him away, but I can't. I kiss back. He hooks my leg with his knee, closing any distance we might've had before, and he forces my lips apart with his tongue.

God, I want to push him away. I want to scream, to hate him, but all I can do is follow his movements. I realize we're still dancing, but it's slower and he isn't pulling away any more. It's just a bit of easy footwork.

He doesn't close his eyes.

Fuck. I can't deal with this. I want to close _my _eyes, just so I don't have to see that his are open. This isn't right. I want this, _have _wanted this for months, but now it feels wrong, because I know it's not really him. He's hurting me, and it's not _entirely _bad – some of it is really good. It's mostly painful because I've been trying all night to not lose it around him, to not be turned on by him, and now it's all crashing down around my ears. For now I can forget about the emotional aspect, because he's pulling me to the doors, out of the club, toward the car.

I try to wonder where Larx is, but I can't hold onto the thought very long, because Roxas just refuses to let go of me. He opens the door quickly and shoves me into the backseat, and the cold leather makes me shiver. I hate the cold. But Roxas seems intent on making me warm, because he's all over me and doing things that make my eyes loose and heavy.

I know I should stop this before it goes somewhere bad. It's hard to talk myself into it, but I get my hands on his shoulders and start to push back. But then he latches onto my tongue with his teeth, hard enough to draw blood, and digs his nails sharply into my hipbones. God, I'm going to _lose it._

He lets go of my tongue once he's unbuttoned my pants – _shit – _and pulls away completely. Right before he sucks me into his mouth, he says, "Be quiet."

I don't know why he likes silence so much but I don't care at this point, because I can't really care about or even think about anything for too long. He makes me shake like mad and makes my eyes heavier and looser than they've ever been before, but I do as he said and I stay silent, even though it's really hard to do.

Roxas gives me a couple of minutes to relax before he fixes my pants for me and kisses the spot over my heart, just once. Then he goes back on his heels and says, "Take me home."

I want to, but Larx is still in the club. I take out my phone to call her and hope she answers, but I don't bother to call because she's already sent a text to me.

_Gone home _is all it says.

Christ, what's happening to us lately? It's like a whole other world. Even a month ago, Larxene would never have _dreamed _about leaving without us. It's freezing outside, so we both just crawl through the gap in the seats instead of getting out. As I start the car, I look over at him. For a moment, I'm confused because he isn't aroused at all, and I wonder why he did all that if he wasn't looking for gratification. But then I remember that every time he's messed around with Larxene, she's worked him up beforehand. It's like he needs to know there's an external stimulus, like he needs to know someone actually wants him.

I get that 'what the fuck' feeling again, like I've just entered the Twilight Zone. I back out of the parking space and watch for collapsed teenagers, those inexperienced dancers with fake identification, who really only go 'dancing' so they can publicly grope each other.

All the way back to my apartment, Roxas watches me. His face is unreadable, but ten minutes into the drive, he bites down on the side of his hand, like he usually does when he catches me watching him. Fifteen minutes into the drive, he starts scratching his arms – ripping into them, really, with his fingernails. I think I can see old scars when his sleeves shift.

Maybe this is fucked up, but I don't want to move his sleeves up and check to see if I'm right. I know I should take care of it, if he's got a problem, but to tell the truth – I'm scared. I wouldn't know how to deal with it. I wouldn't know how to help him. And besides, this may just be an effect of whatever drug he's got in his system. Maybe he's coming down right now, and going through one of those crawly stages. And I can't do anything about it until we get home. I'm absolutely not leaving him alone in his apartment tonight, so we get home sooner than we would have because I stop at mine.

He falls asleep almost immediately after I help him lie down on my bed, and even though I know it's going to kill me, I decide to change his clothes because he reeks like cigarette smoke and sweat and alcohol someone must have spilled on the bottom of his pants.

His shoes look more complicated than they really are – I only need to undo one buckle, instead of eight like it looks like. His socks come off inside of them. When I switch his pants for some of my sweats, he is limp and unresponsive, but it's just because he's in a deep sleep already. He's not shaking or getting a fever, and his breath is steady, so I know he's going to wake up tomorrow morning.

I _hate_ thinking like this.

I pull his shirt off and immediately wish I hadn't. I was right about the scars – most of them are old, but the new ones are angry red and a couple of them are bleeding. Why didn't I know? Fuck that, why didn't _Larx _know?

For once, I don't want to see his body. I put a sweatshirt on him and sit beside him with my face in my hands. I know there's a reason those are there, and I'm pretty sure it's not because he actually _likes _hurting himself. And they're not precise lines, like they were done with a knife.

They're all from fingernails and maybe teeth. How long has this been going on, and more importantly, why _is _it going on? Roxas usually has a reason for everything he does. What's really frustrating is that most of the time, I can never guess the reason. What world does he live in? Why is this okay? God, if I didn't love him so much, I'd hate him.

I'm torn between bandaging his arms and just going to sleep. None of the scratches look deep enough to pose a problem, but you never know. But I know he'd hate it. There's a reason he hasn't let anyone see.

So I get up and bring in a washcloth, and clean them off carefully. It'll be okay, most likely. Then, I take a long shower and try not to think about anything – Roxas, the way his body is beautiful, the scratches on his arms, Larxene…anything. I feel fresh once I'm out of the bathroom, but I'm also _really tired._

I've made so many bad decisions tonight…and I'm about to make one more.

I lie down beside him and pull the covers over us. He's not going to remember tonight when he wakes up tomorrow, but at least tonight, I can fall asleep beside him. At least once, I can wake up beside him, providing he doesn't wake first.

* * *

**Roxas

* * *

**

I wake up in Axel's bed, cozy and warm and relaxed for some reason. Larxene is next to me. I don't know what happened last night. I can't remember _anything _from last night, but I'm used to that. It's never bothered me very much.

I roll over to wake her up, and maybe tease her about sleeping late like I do most days – it's not her fault that she rarely wakes up before me. I almost always wake up early for no reason. But then I stop and my breathing speeds up. Because that's not Larx. She's not even here, or at least I don't hear anything from outside the bedroom.

God, he's beautiful.

I know he's not like Larx and me; he's actually a little awkward, but it's a different kind of beautiful. He's lying on his side facing me, and his cheek is on his hands like a tiny kid. He only has covers on the bottom of his legs, since I apparently stole them during the night, so I can see that one of his legs is bent at the knee, but the other one is almost straight. He looks relaxed, like he's never been happier in his life, and I feel a little bad for stealing his bed so many nights because if he looks like this when he wakes up in his own bed, I want him to wake up here _every_ morning.

It's beautiful because for once, he looks completely at peace.

I don't know why it has such a big impact on me. It's something I would probably overlook any other morning, but today we're alone and I'm seeing _him, _not the guarded man he is during the day.

God, I think I really –

– want to touch him.

It's confusing to me, but really tempting. Especially because he'd probably never know. I could just reach over and trace his lips with my forefinger, maybe run my fingers through his hair, put my ear on his chest and listen to his perfect, steady heartbeat.

The last one is _too_ tempting to resist. It's strange, because it feels like I've done this before, even though I _know _I haven't.

It's funny…I'm usually jealous of perfect chest rhythms. One of the side-effects of the illegal projects is this abnormal heartbeat of mine, and it's one more reminder of Naminé's drawing and the numbers I can't get rid of completely. There's a graph inside me, and every time my heart jumps the numbers change and I can see it in my head. It disrupts the rhythm of anything I'm doing, if I'm not paying enough attention to blocking it out.

But Axel's heartbeat is like a lullaby. It pours into my ear like music, drowning out all the suffocating numbers, and when I close my eyes, I count the beats until –

– I wake up.

Axel is very still, but I know without looking that he's awake because his breathing is quicker than it was when I fell asleep. For some reason, I don't want to move, but he probably knows I'm awake by now and besides, Larxene has an appointment with the doctor this morning and we're driving her.

It takes forty-nine extra beats to talk myself into moving, but finally, I push myself up and balance on my hands. I don't look at him when I say, "Good morning."

"Good morning." He sounds like he has a sore throat. I hope he doesn't.

"Sorry for smothering you." But I'm not, really. I did it on purpose. It's just something I'm supposed to say, I think.

"If I minded, I would have pushed you off," he replies, and he sits up too.

I don't know why I'm so embarrassed to wake up with him, because I'm not a shy person at all. Whenever I sleep here, I wake him up. It's no different from this, but it actually is in some way I don't understand. The problem with me is that even though I know the answer to a lot of things, I usually don't know how I got there. It makes it hard to understand simple concepts sometimes.

My heart jumps again and it sounds in my ears. I want to push Axel down and listen again, just so I can drown out the ugly sound. Silence is better than the irregular rhythm, but I really only get silence when I'm blown away. And I really don't do that very often, because as frustrating as the skipping and the numbers are, being desperate for drugs would be worse. I know, because I've seen it happen before.

"What time is it," I ask, scrabbling for a change of subject.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see his lips turn up in something like an amused smile, but I don't think he's laughing at me at all. "It's eight-thirty. I was surprised you were asleep when I woke up."

I look at the door and pull at a piece of hair, which has somehow found its way into my mouth. It's not my hair; it's long and red. My neck itches when I see the strand and I feel that need to scratch it away; my hand goes up automatically, but he touches it and I stop scratching. I don't know why he wants to touch my hand; so far he hasn't touched me either, other than putting his arm around my shoulder or accidentally brushing elbows when we're too close in the kitchen. When his fingers close and his palm meets mine, it makes my heartbeat change in a completely _different_ way, a fast pace that's actually not entirely unpleasant.

I don't like it at all when other people touch me softly like that, but for some reason, I don't mind that Axel's doing it. Actually, I think I don't mind _because _it's Axel.

I turn my head to glance at him, and when our eyes meet he drops my hand like a hot stone and looks away. "Sorry," he says. "Larxene needs to see the doctor at nine-thirty, right? We should get ready."

I nod, and we stand up together. I don't know why, but now I'm very agitated and I bite my index finger to keep calm. I'm torn between wanting to hold his hand and wanting to attack him, give him much worse than the black eye I gave Hayner.

My teeth draw blood when that thought comes up. It's a natural reaction – the attacking, and in some ways, even the biting – but a bigger part of me knows that it's Axel, the one I never want to see in pain. Those two sides are conflicting, because the fighter in me is stronger, but the other part is bigger and they even out.

He makes me feel like eight, like thirteen, unbalanced in a very balanced way, and I can't classify it because I've never felt it before. It doesn't fit into an existing category, and for a moment I bite down even harder because I hate not understanding.

"Hey, are you okay?" He watches me carefully but he doesn't touch me again, and I'm grateful because I think I'd attack him if he did.

I wipe the blood off with the edge of my sleeve and smile at him. "Yeah, of course. You think if we pick Larx up early, we can go out to eat?"

He laughs. "What, so you can _pay_ for the same thing you eat every morning?"

"I just don't really feel like cooking here. I need to go outside. I feel disgusting; I'm going to shower."

"Just remember we have an appointment to keep," he answers, and he sounds cheerful.

"I'll be quick."

I go through my shower routine – rinse, wash, rinse, wash, rinse – and step out quickly. There are some clean clothes on the counter, and I know Axel put them there; I don't know _why, _but I think it's a nice gesture anyway. I towel off my hair quickly, and run a comb through it before I leave the bathroom and drop my pajamas in the hamper outside the door.

There's a circular cycle inside me, and suddenly I realize I'm falling down, like I'm on a defective Ferris wheel. It's happened before; sometimes I wonder if someday I'm going to get stuck at the bottom, where there's only endless numbers and answers only I can understand, even if I don't really.

I blink hard and long, and hurry into the kitchen. I don't want to think about that. Suddenly I don't care if it makes me uncomfortable – I need someone to hold my arm, grasp my hand, anything to keep me from falling. I hate it. It's times like these when I don't know whether I'm empty and heavy or light and so full of feeling that it's like a filled jar, and when you shake it you can't hear or feel the sloshing of liquid. It's the opposite of being empty, but it's almost completely the same anyway.

I'm grateful for the training I put myself through growing up; I can articulate, even when I can't think. My mouth knows what to do, even if my brain doesn't. I see Axel facing away from me and I laugh because he's dancing to music I can't hear, and it's different from my dancing but it's still pretty.

"Oh…hey, Roxas," he says, scratching his cheek. I think he might be embarrassed to be caught dancing alone, but I liked watching.

"I'm finished," I reply.

"I can see that." I like it when he makes that face – it's a smile, but it contradicts his tone of voice. He's sarcastic, but it's not very mean.

"I'm glad you haven't lost your eyesight in the time I've been away. I was worried you might, you troll."

"Oh, Roxas, acerbic as ever. It's almost as if you're trying to claw my heart out."

Normally that would make me laugh, but something swells up inside me and I say – no, I don't say it. I shout, "No!" As soon as it came, it's gone. "Never…"

He looks at me curiously and comments, "You…that was…uh." It doesn't mean anything to me, and I suspect it doesn't mean anything to him, either. He shakes his head, still looking at me strangely, and asks, "Are you _sure _you're okay? You seem a little…uh, off."

"Your confidence in me is staggering," I say mildly. "Are you going to make it a habit to shower me with flattery?"

He smiles, laughs fondly, and suddenly I feel like maybe I'll be okay, at least for today.

All of a sudden, I look up and meet his eyes. I don't know why, but it usually isn't pleasant for me to look at someone directly – it makes me feel like my body is shrinking, and their eyes are going to come inside and destroy the parts of me that keep me from being a complete freak, instead of a partial one.

And I get that sensation still, but I keep looking at him, because I think maybe if I start training myself some more, I can jump off this Ferris wheel and walk on the clouds with Axel and Larxene and even hold someone after sex instead of needing to roll away.

Besides; something is telling me Axel would never ruin me like that. And I'm right; he looks away first. I feel accomplished, but it's not really a feeling. I'm just pleased that I could do it once, because that means I can probably do it again sometime.

"I made breakfast," he murmurs, looking at the counter. "You can eat it in the car. I know you wanted to go out, but I thought – you know, I just wanted to-"

"Thank you," I interrupt. It's the same thing I eat every morning – one orange, and a piece of toast with peanut butter.

He grins at me and we leave his apartment. He's a little quiet lately, and I don't like it, but it's not bad. If I can't have silence, I like to hear Axel fill the air with words, exchanging banter with Larxene and acting cheerful, even if he may not be. But today, I don't mind the quiet, because his presence is somehow blocking the ugly noises. As I buckle myself in the passenger seat, I realize this is the first time I've been alone with him in three months and four days.

"I feel like I'm in a computer," I blurt as he begins driving. I don't know why I said that; I didn't even know I felt that way _until_ I said it.

He shoots me a curious sideways glance. "What makes you say that?"

I shrug. "I don't know. It seemed like the right thing to say, but I don't think it was."

He moves his hand from the steering wheel and moves it toward me, but suddenly he stops, pauses, and draws it back. I don't know whether I'm disappointed or relieved, so I push the sensation away and focus on the small smile on his face. Those small smiles are rare, but I think they might be the most honest ones he has.

As soon as Axel pulls up, Larxene scoots into the backseat and closes the door. She doesn't look upset, but she isn't smiling.

"Good morning," says Axel, and I'm glad he starts the conversation so I can listen.

"Not really," she says. She takes something out of her purse – something wrapped in paper – and rips the paper off the top. It's some kind of breakfast burrito, and it doesn't look appetizing in the least. I remember my own breakfast and bite an orange slice in half.

"Yeah? What's got your knickers in a twist this time?"

"Shut up, jackass. I got mauled by a fucking Aero addict last night, she cried on me, fell asleep on me, and once I got her to the hotel, I spent the whole damn night worrying about her for some lame-ass reason. I don't even _know_ her. I'm tired, hungry, and pissed. Just drive."

Axel winces. "Aero, huh?"

I have to agree with his dislike for the drug. I don't like stimulants; they make my brain work overtime, and everything dissolves into numbers and symbols and buzzing in my ears. It's also much more dangerous than Elixir, which makes all of that go _away._

"Yeah. She had it _on her. _I mean…what the fuck. She looked like she wasn't even old enough to know what it _is._ How did they not catch it at the door?"

She's agitated, I can tell.

Axel sighs, and I don't know what his motivation is, but he looks a little frustrated. "If she was underage, she probably snuck in, and didn't go through the search in the first place. Or maybe she bribed someone. Is she the blondie you were dancing with last night?"

In the rear view mirror, I see Larxene's face change. She looks less agitated, and more contemplative. "Yeah. How the fuck do I get myself into these situations? One minute we were dancing, and the next she had me around the shoulders like a _bear, _blubbering about Maurice or Mary or something, and flowers."

Axel frowns completely. "Why'd you help her? That's not like you. I mean, you're free to take offense to this, even though it's true…you're kind of a bitch. What was different about her?"

She shrugs, but it looks different from her normal ones. "Whoever she was talking about did something to absolutely destroy her inside. It's not something I'd usually bother with, but…you know. I saw the look on her face. We girls have to stick together occasionally, because the world is too full of male jackasses like you. Trust me, this isn't going to become a habit."

Axel laughs as I finish my breakfast, and I laugh as well, although I'm not sure what the joke is. "It's okay, Larxie-darling. No one will think you're anything but a bitch, even _if _you make nice with another girl. You have nothing to worry about."

She bares her teeth and says, "I know where you-"

Her phone rings, and she answers it on the speakerphone so she can keep eating. "Larxie the bitch speaking," she says, shooting a nasty look at Axel. She probably doesn't mean it as much as she wants us to think.

"Um…I woke up this morning, and found your number by the bed," says a soft female voice. It sounds a bit familiar, but I can't place it at the moment.

"Ah," says Larxene. She sounds as if she's confused.

"I wanted to thank you, for taking care of me, and I'd like to make it up to you."

"Well, it depends on what you're willing to do," my friend tells the phone, smirking. The girl at the other end can't see it, but I think she probably knows it's there.

"I…would you…I can pay for-"

"Just tell me your name, kid," she says, losing patience with the faltering voice. "We'll work out the details later."

There's a faint giggle, and then the girl says, "My name is Naminé Winter."

Larxene says something else, but I can't understand it. My brain is faltering, being consumed with darkness and multiples of ten, and then –


	4. III

**III

* * *

****Axel

* * *

**

I haven't let Roxas go home since that day in the car, when Larxene talked to 'Naminé Winter.' I'm guessing they're related, because of the last name and because of his reaction. I never knew he had family. He's never talked about them.

He also hasn't talked since that day. It's been three days and I can't hide it any more, even from myself: I'm really fucking terrified. Roxas can be a little weird sometimes, but he's _never _done this before. At least, not that I've seen. Even though it's not her fault, I can't help but be pissed off at Larx. The situation would have been different if she'd answered the phone like a normal person.

But mostly, I just want Roxas to say something. He still goes to work when he's supposed to, still showers, still eats what he always eats, but it's like his body is on autopilot while his mind is on vacation. I hate it.

He's sleeping in my bed right now, but I know it won't last long. He keeps waking up at random times, restless, agitated. Whenever I get too close, he lashes out at me. I think maybe it's time to talk to this Naminé person…to get answers, because I hate seeing him like this. He's not my Roxas any more. He's not _violent,_ either…his face is always blank, like only his body is reacting to my closeness.

There's a bite mark on his hand I'm not sure will ever go away.

"Larx," I say, once she picks up the phone.

"Yeah?" She sounds tired.

"I need you to call that girl from the club and bring her over here."

"You mean Naminé?"

"Yes. I think…maybe she could help bring Roxas back."

"We'll be there in ten," she says, and hangs up on me. I wonder if Naminé is staying with Larxene. Probably not; Larx would go crazy.

I sit on the couch and try to relax, but I can't stop myself from peeking into my room a few times. He's still asleep, and I know that, but I just need to _see _him.

There's a soft knock on the door, and I open it to see Larxene and a small blonde girl. She's very skinny, and dressed in white. She looks a little like Roxas. I step aside and gesture to the inside. "Sit down wherever."

The girl has a small tremor; I don't think she's flying right now, so I wonder just how long she's been a junkie. She sits on the pink armchair and puts her feet to the side, keeping her knees together. When I close the door, I sit on the couch and look at her. "You're Naminé Winter," I say.

"Yes," she replies, twining her fingers together. She looks nervous – skittish.

"I'm Axel," I continue. "A-X-E-L, Axel Garner. Memorize it; we're probably going to have a lot of contact from now on. Now tell me…do you know someone named Roxas Winter?"

I know I'm coming off as harsh, but it's hard to care. Larxene is beside me, intently staring at Naminé, and I think that's making her more nervous than she already was. I elbow her and she scowls at me, but she gets the message.

Naminé's eyes go wide and she puts her hand over her mouth. "Roxas," she whispers. "You know him? You know where he is? Can you take me to him?"

I can tell she's being sincere, so I reply, "I know him, yes. He's in my bedroom, sleeping. And no, I can't take you to him, first because you're already here, and secondly because he doesn't sleep very well these days and a sleep this long is rare."

She looks down at her lap. "He's having trouble again, then? Are you…" She bites her lower lip, and her fingers tighten around each other. "Are you taking care of him?"

"Of course we are," Larxene says, and it's almost a hiss. Naminé flinches, but Larxene doesn't seem to care. I know she notices, though, because she notices every reaction. "He's Roxas."

I think that sums it up nicely. I ask, "How are you related?"

"He's my big brother," she answers, and her face softens a bit. "I've been looking for him. I heard he was in Traverse Town, and…" She doesn't seem to be able to finish her thought; instead, she bites her lip again and blinks several times. I notice she avoids eye contact too; but _she _actually looks nervous, and Roxas never does.

"Hey, then you have a sister named Kairi," Larxene says. She sounds like she's trying too hard to be nice, and it's probably true. She's not used to dealing with girls, especially skittish ones like Naminé. I know she wouldn't have as many reservations if it wasn't _Roxas _we were talking about.

Naminé looks up sharply, and for a moment, her face sets into a hard expression. It's gone in an instant, but I recognized it as a fierce, protective feeling Larxene's question brought up. "Yes. My twin's name is Kairi."

This is all news to me. "What? How did you know?"

"Ah…one morning, Roxas woke up and shouted her name, like he was scared. He told me he thinks he has a sister named Kairi, but he can't remember properly."

I glance at Naminé, who doesn't look very startled by the revelation. Hmm. "Why have you been looking for him?"

She unclenches her fingers and instead puts her palms on her thighs, smoothing out her white skirt. "Our parents…are dead," she begins. Her voice is misty, but she doesn't sound very sad about the subject. "We don't know why he left the Islands, but we thought he should know…in case he wants to come back and live with us again."

I clench my teeth when she says that. I don't want him to leave.

"I've been looking for a year, ever since…ah. Well, I've found him, thanks to you. Have you…has he…is he okay?"

"Of course not," I snap. Naminé flinches again. I don't care. "He won't talk. He freaks out if I even get _near _him. The lights are on, but _no one's home. _He's…" I dig my palm into my left eye in agitation. "Has this happened before?"

She smoothes her skirt again and nods shallowly. "When we were younger, he didn't like to speak much. He has trouble…communicating with people sometimes. Our parents…" It's very faint, but I can see the distaste on her face. "They were no help. They decided he was just a freak and our dad tried to keep him away from us. It didn't work…but we always had a hard time understanding each other anyway. I've seen him extremely unresponsive once, and I hoped…"

She shakes her head and squeezes her eyes shut for a second. "I was only eleven. We came back from a secret picnic, and Kairi fell off the window and started bleeding. It wouldn't stop. He hated to be touched, but he held her while I went to get our parents, because she was scared. He wasn't allowed to come to the hospital with us…and she…they found out she has leukemia. He wasn't allowed to see her, and he got really angry. He wouldn't let anyone near him, and he wouldn't talk – because he knew it wouldn't matter. When he's stressed out, he thinks a little differently, and…I think he has trouble translating his thoughts into words."

I frown, but I'm not angry. What she's saying makes sense from a logical perspective, but that's not the Roxas I know. He messes around enough that I know he's not completely adverse to physical contact, even if he doesn't like being touched outside of sex; and he speaks just fine, most of the time. He's quiet, and a little strange, but he's not…he's the awesome kind of freak. I'd never think of him like it sounds like his parents did.

I'm glad they're dead, and I never even knew them.

"So wait, let me get this straight. Your dead parents were dicks and kept him away from your sick sister, who he obviously cared about, kicked him out as soon as possible, and now you're here to take him away from the closest thing he has to a true family," Larxene asks harshly. "Are you fucking _kidding _me, girl?"

"No, it's not like that," Naminé says, and she sounds like she's pleading for us to understand. "I didn't know the situation…I just wanted to find him, and…ask him if he wants to come home. Kairi is worried. She'd be here, but she…she needs to stay on the Islands, for checkups and for our other family."

Larx makes an ugly, derisive sound. "What, so you leave your sister to fend for herself while you live it up here, getting fucked up in clubs and carrying around your little bag of goodies? Is this even _about _Roxas?"

"I'm not…that's a rare occurrence!"

She doesn't sound like she believes her own words. I roll my eyes. "So? What about Roxas?"

"I want to see him. Kairi wants to see him…he hasn't even met the twins, and we just…look, this honestly isn't about me. I know I'm…I'm not a strong person…but I do love him."

_So do I, _I want to say, but I'm not stupid or desperate enough to actually do it.

"Besides," she continues very softly, "I don't know if she'll have very much time. The cancer has…come out of remission…and we can't afford another round of chemotherapy. I don't want to lose her, and we didn't know what to do, and I just…I want her to be able to see him before…if she…she's _dying _and she wants to at least say goodbye."

She looks helpless, and I wonder why she's doing drugs if she has all this to deal with. But then I think that's probably _why. _Everyone has their own ways of forgetting, and even though this is stupid, I can see the reasoning behind it.

Larxene makes a strange noise, like she's clearing her throat and trying not to be noticed. I glance at her and realize she's trying not to be affected. I don't get it; she's never this empathetic about anything. Maybe it's a girl thing; Larx is still a girl, whether she interacts with other girls or not. If I didn't know better, I'd think she was attracted to Naminé, but I _do _know better.

Suddenly, there's a noise from inside the bedroom and I'm on my feet before I even think about getting up. This is getting ridiculous, but I can't seem to calm down.

Roxas is on the floor, pushing himself up shakily. His face is red, and I'm pretty sure he fell out of bed after waking up. He doesn't usually do things like that, and in another situation it might be funny.

He raises his head and looks at me, eyes wide. He looks away quickly, but his eyes only get wider when he sees his sister. Scrambling to his feet, he watches her carefully. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see her smile at him. "Hello, Roxas."

He blinks and swallows. I figure he'll probably stay silent, but he says, "…Naminé."

I'm jealous, because after two words, she got him to talk, while he hasn't talked to me in three days.

But at least he _is _talking, now.

* * *

**Larxene

* * *

**

I can't decide whether I like her or hate her. It seems like I can't decide a lot of things lately. I hate being indecisive, and I hate that she just appeared out of nowhere and screwed up everything. She says she doesn't want to take him away from us, but that's bullshit. Their sister is dying, so whether she 'wants' to take him away or not, it doesn't matter. He'll probably go anyway. Even though he doesn't like to form attachments, he's a better person than I am.

And it's never bothered me till now. It's not that I want to be a better person…I just wish he could be a worse one.

This is making me think about all the things I don't know about him. I never knew he had two sisters. I never knew he could get like this. But…I always knew just how weak love makes a person. I feel sick, and it's his fault. I wish I could hate him.

I don't, though.

So I'll settle for second best and hate her.

"I missed you," Naminé says softly, approaching him slowly. He's looking at her like he doesn't know if she's real; like he's confused at the sight of her. But I don't say anything, because he probably won't answer me anyway and that will really frustrate me. That's why I haven't been coming around – I want _my _Roxas back.

"Naminé," he says again, more decisively. He looks like he wants this to be real, but doesn't want to interact in case it's not.

She nods. "Yes, up close and real. How are you?"

I think that's one of the most stupid questions I've heard in a long time, and I roll my eyes and cross my arms. Roxas notices the movement and frowns. "Larxene?"

I can't help but grin. He actually sounds better this time, instead of dreamy and wary. "Happy to see you haven't forgotten me. It's very flattering, darling."

He makes a face, but it's great because it means he's really interacting again. I still kind of hate Naminé, but at least she got him to talk, and I think he might be coming out of whatever funk he was in.

He turns back to his sister and Axel's shoulders seem to droop. I don't know the exact reason, but it's probably because they're best friends and Roxas didn't say anything to him.

"What...are you doing here," Roxas asks after a moment of silence.

"I've been trying to find you for a year; Kairi wanted to see you, at least once-"

"Kairi? Where is...she?"

His speech is slow and broken, like he's learning how to speak again, or like he's learning a different language. Naminé sighs and I clench my fist, before I exit the room. I can't handle watching this, and I think I might explode.

I sit on the couch and grab two fistfuls of my hair, breathing through my nose to try to calm down. I feel that pathetic feeling again, and it's disgusting.

Soon, Axel sits down next to me. He doesn't touch me or say anything, but I know it's an invitation to spill my guts. Normally, I wouldn't. But today, everything has come to a head and it's going to explode if I don't do something.

"I think I might hate her," I confess quietly. "She's trying to take Roxas away from us. He wouldn't talk to either of us for three days, but after two words, she pulled him away from that weird funk. She's running around clubs, getting high on her own, and she still says this is for Roxas and Kairi. I don't care that he's talking to her - I mean, I am glad he's talking, but I want him to talk to us...to me. I don't want him to leave."

He sits silently for a few moments, and I can't read his face. It's frustrating and I have to restrain the urge to punch him in the nose.

"I don't know what to say," he says finally. I grit my teeth and he looks at me sideways. "What? I'm as messed up as you. I always felt like Roxas was...I always thought he was just _part _of us, and he wouldn't ever go away, but he never said he would stay. I want him to stay. I want to wake up one morning and..." He looks to the side and goes quiet.

"And what," I ask. He's acting weird. Weirder than usual, anyway.

"I want to be his best man at your wedding." His voice is thick and not-quite-sincere, but the only thing I can focus on is what he just said.

"Best man...wedding? Where the hell did that even come from?" I don't know why, but that brings up all sorts of panic. At least my voice is as mocking and smooth as ever.

"Don't tell me you haven't thought about it," he says, but he's actually asking if I have. "It was obvious to me. I always thought it was just a matter of time."

His voice is bitter. Maybe I was wrong...maybe it's not that he loves Roxas. Maybe it's just that he doesn't have anyone, and thinking about us - me and Roxas - together brings that up. He doesn't sound jealous...just bitter.

"No, we've never talked about it. Now shut up about it. You sound like a pussy."

He grins. "Why do I hang out with you, Larxie-darling?"

"Because I'm the biggest bitch in town, and you're a freak," I answer frankly.

Roxas and Naminé come out of the bedroom; Naminé has a small smile on her face, but Roxas looks...surly. He looks aggravated. He looks at me and Axel and it almost seems like he's pleading with us.

He sits down next to Axel and pointedly doesn't look at his sister. The smile on her face falters, but he doesn't look like he cares.

"I have to go to the Islands," he says. It's still too slow and measured, like he's from another place. He sounds confused.

"I figured," I say. I can't quite keep the aggravation from my voice, but he doesn't react to it. Instead, he frowns thoughtfully.

"Will you come?"

I was _not _expecting that. Axel looks as if someone just told him he now gets a birthday party every day. It's a little ridiculous.

"Of course," says Axel. That's easy for _him _to say. He's not the one who has a job. But it's not like I'm going to say no.

"You know the answer, you big loser," I reply. I think he'll appreciate everything staying the same; it still makes him smile.

Naminé looks surprised at my words, but when she sees Roxas' face, she smiles too. I guess she was expecting him to take offense or something.

I'm smiling, Roxas is smiling, Naminé is smiling, Axel is smiling, and it's a disgustingly cheerful scene, but I'm just glad he's starting to come back.

* * *

**Roxas

* * *

**

I don't remember what sent me to the bottom of the Ferris wheel, stuck with all the numbers, but I thought I'd never get out. I could understand what was going on, but I couldn't care and I couldn't respond. I could only watch.

And then I saw Naminé.

I don't know why she's here, or why she pulled me out in the first place. But it's like she has a hold on my heart, and when I saw her, she made me remember how to talk, how to see clearly, why I care in the first place.

I'm embarrassed to say anything to Axel, even though I think I probably should. He spent a long time taking care of me, even though I didn't need it. My head was telling me to let him come close, but my body kept pushing him away, hurting him.

I spent three days watching him run himself ragged and I want to apologize but I'm afraid he'll laugh like he laughs at everything. I usually don't mind but this is the most important thing I've needed to do in a long time.

But I'm glad he's coming to the Islands. I was worried he would want to stay here, with Larx, to forget about me like I sometimes think he should. I want to spend time with Kairi, but I don't think I could do it if they weren't with me.

"You owe me," Larxene tells Naminé, sounding harsh. But she doesn't mean it as much as it sounds. I don't know what Naminé owes her, but I think Naminé is afraid to find out. She keeps shaking, like she's scared.

"I...do? Uh...what do you..."

"Relax, kid. I don't want your firstborn or anything stupid like that. I'm shit with the little monsters anyway. Your soul will do nicely."

Naminé looks at Larxene oddly, and then she smiles. "All right, I know you're joking with me."

"Damn, was it that obvious? Then I guess we'll have to settle for lunch at Gipetto's and a story."

"A story?"

"Yeah. I think I deserve to know who the fuck Maurice is, and why you became a goddamn human leech at the club."

Naminé goes very still, but she nods. "All right."

The girls stand up, and I realize, "This is the first time Larxene has ever had a girl friend since I've met her."

I don't know who I'm speaking to, but everyone laughs, even Larx. It makes me happy, I think, because when Larx and my sister leave, it hits me that everyone can understand me and I feel like maybe I'm getting better.

Axel follows me into the bedroom, like I guessed he would. I don't know what words to use, and I'm embarrassed again, even though I don't know why; but I know I need to say something to him, eventually.

I sit down on the far side of the bed and point to the spot next to me, telling him he can sit there. I like that I don't need a lot of words to speak to him; he just knows me, and I think maybe I know him.

As soon as he sits down, I scoot over and put my arms around him, and put my ear on his chest. His heartbeat is a little fast, but it's still loud and pleasing to my ears. At first he stiffens, but then he puts his hand on my head. I think it feels nice when he brushes my hair with his fingers.

"Don't scare me like that again," he tells me.

"I'm sorry," I say, and I mean it. He isn't aware of the numbers or the buzzing, but I think maybe he could understand someday. Not right now; I don't know how to say it yet.

But I know it feels nice to touch him. For the first time, it feels really nice to touch someone, and I don't want to let go. So I push him down to the pillows, and count the beats of his heart until my eyes get heavy. He stays quiet, which makes me glad, because this way I can listen better.

He makes me feel like eight, like thirteen, balanced in a very unbalanced way, and for the second time I'm going to fall asleep like this.

Soon his heart slows, and his breathing evens out. He's asleep. His eyes close when he's asleep, so I take a chance and look into his face. He looks peaceful again; his lips are not touching, but close, and his eyelashes are just barely touching his cheeks. I touch his cheeks, one time each with my forefinger, and he doesn't wake up.

I take a chance, a bigger one than before, and I do something I don't think I've ever done to anyone, not even Larxene. I press our lips together for three of his heartbeats, and then I kiss the spot my ear was, right above his heart.

He doesn't wake up, but I think I want to do that when he's awake sometime. I think I want to see how it feels to have his lips move against mine.

He suddenly shifts, and he moves onto his side, taking me closer to him by tightening his arms around me. My first instinct is to squirm away or push him, but I bite down on my finger till I'm calm. And I realize something, caught there like I'm in a cage made of clouds.

I like it. And I want to do this again, many times. I think it's a bad idea, but that doesn't stop me from wanting it. So when he wakes up, I'll see if I can explain it to him.

But for now, I think I'm falling asleep to the lullaby of his heartbeat.


	5. IV

**IV

* * *

****Axel

* * *

**

I really don't know what to do any more. It's like Roxas is slipping away, which isn't true because he likes to fall asleep with his head on my chest nowadays. But it's like the Roxas I fell in love with, the Roxas who wouldn't touch me, is falling away.

It's not a bad thing. It's damn good, in my opinion, because the basic Roxas make-up is still there. It's easier to be around him, but I guess I'm just never satisfied because now that I can touch him, those accidental brushes aren't as special.

What the fuck, I know. It's been a week since Naminé came by, a week since Roxas woke up from that dead stage, and I'm getting used to waking up in my own bed with his ear pressed against my chest, even if he's awake. He still doesn't talk much, but that's normal. And I don't miss the times I wanted to run my fingers through his hair and couldn't, but I...well, I guess I just wish I could kiss him again, but make it real this time. Kiss him when I know he'll remember.

I wish I could be sure, when I run my fingers through his hair, that he isn't just _okay _with it; that he actually wants me to do it. I know it's selfish, especially since we just got this far, but I never pretended to be perfect, or even a good person. Sometimes I think he deserves better, better than me or even Larx (god knows she's wild, and she tends to break things, even if she doesn't mean to). But I can't tell him.

Fuck, this is insane.

"Good morning," I say, as soon as he opens his eyes. I was lucky enough to wake up before him, if only by a few minutes.

He stiffens, just like he does every morning this happens, but then he relaxes again. The stiffness is getting shorter every time. "Morning, Axel."

I love it when he says my name like that - voice thick with sleep and raspy because it's cold and it gets to his throat. It's like a reminder that he's here, with me, waking up next to me instead of waking me up after sleeping next to someone else, or alone.

I love him, I love him,

"I love-" I backtrack, before my blurted words can take him away. "-mornings like these. Look, you can see the white on the awning across the street."

He gives me a small smile and pushes himself up, stretching slightly, before turning his head to see the new snow. I can hardly keep myself from pulling him down on top of me, but I think I need to leave it all to him. God, he makes everything seem a little brighter, and I'm…so fucking attached. Larx is a friend, but if I lost her, I wouldn't cry about it or anything.

But I honestly don't think I could live without Roxas. I know how fucked up that is, but I can't help it.

"It's beautiful," he says blandly, and he's looking me. For a moment I pretend he's talking about me, but then I realize how pathetic that is, so I roll my eyes.

"Sentimental sap." He doesn't know I'm talking about myself.

"Egregious ass," he shoots back pleasantly.

This is how it should be. This, I think, is how I want to spend every morning. In bed with Roxas, calling each other names, feeling the morning with every part of me. I think he's never been more beautiful than he is right now, but every time I realize he's beautiful, I always think that.

I know he knows I'm watching him, because he looks at the door and bites the knuckle of his forefinger like he always does. I'm about to say something, anything, but he cuts me off.

"Why do you do that?"

"Do what," I ask, even though I think I already know.

"Watch me like that." He's mumbling around his knuckle, and I want to pull it out but I think he'd pull away completely if I did that.

Here's my big chance. But I'm not going to take it. As painful as it is to know he may someday be able to love me back, it would hurt worse to lose him forever. So I laugh and answer, "Because I don't get how such a big loser can be so damn cute in the mornings."

He makes a face at me. "You're an idiot."

"How did you figure it out so fast?"

He shrugs, and looks at me. He takes his finger out of his mouth after biting it until it bleeds, and meets my eyes. I can barely breathe. And then something changes.

He leans over me - not touching me, but with his hands on either side of my chest. My heart beats like a hummingbird's wings against my ribcage, and I try to hold his gaze but it's really hard.

His head drops down, and for a moment - two seconds at most - our lips connect, and our eyes never leave each other's.

And then he lifts up, ducks his head, looks away.

"Sorry," he says. "I didn't mean to make you-"

"I liked it," I say. My voice sounds stupidly breathy.

"Me too. But I..."

"Roxas?" He's starting to breathe funny. He's not hyperventilating, but it sounds like he's been running. I lift myself up on my elbows and try again, because I hate that sound - it scares me. "But what, Roxas?"

"I don't want you to ever end up like Demyx, or Selphie, or Zexion" he murmurs. "I want you to stay perfect."

And now it's my turn to look away, because if I tilt my head, I can imagine that as something like a confession. I want it to be a confession. I want to kiss him again...oh, god. He's killing me slowly, and I still wouldn't trade this for anything. I'm fucking insane.

"What if...what if I ask you to kiss me again," I ask. I'm taking a risk here; I really hope it doesn't backfire, and I bite my lip when he scowls.

And then I have to struggle to breathe because he says, "I would do it."

"Kiss me," I say, as soon as I can manage it.

* * *

**Roxas

* * *

**

I think that on some deep, unreachable level, I have wanted to kiss Axel for a long time, because I feel something like relief; but I definitely never wanted him to want it. It makes me a little angry, that he wants it.

I don't understand why he would want to kiss me, when he knows it will only hurt. I don't understand why he would choose to kiss me over Larx - and I know he has, because he wouldn't lie to me about his lack of relationship with her and he's weird about kisses among friends, I think. He's not the most honest person, but it would be pointless to lie about that. I also don't understand why touching him makes my breathing speed up and my heart beat in that weird, fast-paced way.

But I feel right - it feels like it's something I was always meant to do. It makes me more alive than anything else I've ever done. It's only a press of our lips, but I imagine it might taste like a little part of that perfection surrounding his person. It really feels like it, at any rate.

Something warm and writhing appears in my stomach, and it scares me, so I pull away - I don't want to, but the feeling in my stomach is making me sick, and I feel like I want to punch him.

He lets me go, but he watches me closely, like he wants to continue.

He swallows something, maybe something stuck in his throat. He licks his lips and I'm torn between biting his tongue until it bleeds and punching him hard. It's painful to look at him, painful to watch him flush like this. But I just can't look away now; it's like someone invisible stuck my eyes on him, and if I try to pull them away they might fall out.

"I," he says, and swallows again. "I-"

Larxene bursts through the door like she always does, loud like she always is. She can be silent, so I don't know why she is noisy when she comes in - maybe she wants us to know she's there. Maybe she knew I would kiss Axel someday, and she doesn't want to walk in on that.

I don't know whether I'm upset with her for interrupting Axel, even though she didn't mean to, or glad she did, even though she didn't mean to. I'm a tiny bit afraid to find out what he was going to say, but now I'm really curious.

He brings up so many emotions in me, it's hard to keep track and classify them. They come and go and that's why I kind of wish he would just be silent about that, stay silent about that. When I think about it, I want to kiss him, to shut him up, to find out what he tastes like behind his lips.

"Your sister is crazy, Roxas," Larxene calls. She comes into the bedroom and squints, the angry kind of squint. "What's going on here?"

Axel is looking away from me, all pink in the face, and I think I might look similar because for some reason my face is hot. Axel speaks up before I can.

"I drooled all over the pillow," he mumbles. "And he accidentally put his head on it. He called me an egregious ass again. I swear, he's abusive!"

And _I _swear, he's an _idiot._ What is he _talking _about, anyway?

Larx gives him a searching look. I don't know why he lied, but now I can't go against it, since I'm sure he had a reason. Finally, Larxene gives us both a mocking smile. "You two are total losers. Remind me why I hang out with you?"

"You're the biggest bitch in town and we're the only ones who can tolerate you," Axel shoots back. "Commit it to memory this time."

"And Naminé, apparently," she says, curling her lip a little. I don't recognize the tone in her voice, but she doesn't look very happy.

"What about my sister," I ask. She isn't usually upset about anything people do, because I don't think she cares about anyone but me and Axel. So I don't understand why she's upset now.

"She's suddenly much attached. Like we're Best Friends For-fucking-ever. What the hell? I'm a bitch. I have no idea how the fuck she can hang around me when I'm _purposefully _antagonizing her. Makes a girl wonder what kind of company she kept _before _me. Fuck. Girl's sick or something."

Axel laughs, and I don't know why. It seems like a very straightforward problem, at least for Larx. I suspect Naminé just needs a friend, and Larxene is someone she knows.

But Axel says, "I can't believe you're _worried _about her. Big bad Larxie, brought down by a little blonde waif? That's some poetic justice right there."

When Larxene looks away, biting her lip and clenching her fists angrily, I know he's _right. _I also know she'll be extra-mean to my sister now, because she doesn't want him to be right. She likes being known as a bitch; she likes being intimidating. It's a game for her. It's usually fun to watch, but I don't know if it will be as fun this time because Naminé is my sister and not a random person.

"You're a pretentious asshole," she grumbles.

"And you're just a softie at heart," he teases. I like to watch their faces when they go through these exchanges; it's like a movie without music.

She glares at him. "I know where you sleep at night."

"That's amazing, darling! I know where I sleep at night too. I'm glad you're not left out of the loop any more!"

They exchange grins, and I'm hit by a strange feeling - this is how I want to spend the rest of my life. I want everything to stay this perfect and beautiful, with Larx pretending to be a bitch and Axel pretending to be awful, and me...

I just pretend I understand what I see, but there are things none of us need to pretend, and that's what makes it all worthwhile. That's what I like most of all: even if no one tells the truth, we all know it anyway. That's how I want to live until I die; knowing that no words never need to be exchanged to truly understand each other.

I catch a strange look on Larxene's face when she looks at Axel - she almost seems to hate him all of a sudden. But it's gone quickly, before I can properly classify it, and now I think maybe I just imagined it.

That has to be it.

"You're always here," she says to me, frowning. It looks like a normal frown, but for some reason it seems like there's something much deeper there this time. It's too deep for me to get a good look at, though.

"I gave up my apartment," I explain. "We're leaving in two days, and we figured it was stupid to keep it, especially because I stay over here so often."

"You should do the same," Axel says. "Tifa Lockhart and Yuffie Kisaragi need a bigger place; you can pass the torch. Roxas gave his to Cloud and Aerith Strife. You can still do it, since you don't live in an established complex."

"Yeah," she says, looking at me strangely. "Yeah, I think that's a great idea."

The look on her face is a little scary - scarier than usual.

Scary like murder, not scary like bitch.

* * *

**Larxene

* * *

**

I'm not stupid. I may not say anything when I notice things, but I'm _not _stupid. I can tell something has changed.

Roxas is sleeping on Axel's shoulder, in the seat across from me. He never did that with me; even in sleep, he refuses to touch anyone, but apparently he likes to touch Axel. The whole thing makes me want to puke - I'm not sure why, exactly, but I know something big and ugly wells up in my stomach every time their skins brush and Roxas doesn't subtly shy away.

Naminé is asleep beside me, and Axel's eyes are shut, so I'm the only one awake in our Gummi compartment; I sort of want to reach over and punch Axel in the nose, but I'm going to wait until I can get him good.

I've never hated anyone before - not really. I usually just don't care about anyone enough to hate them, but I'm pretty sure I hate him right now. Just looking at his stupid, awkward face makes a foul sensation run through me and makes me want to kill something.

Not him, though. Never him. Even though I hate him. I'd be completely alone, and it would be my first regret. Probably my only one, but still - I can't deal with that right now. I can't fucking _deal _with this shit.

This is supposed to be us; me, and my two assholes. Not me, two guys who probably prefer each other to me, and a stupid delicate Aero addict who keeps growing on me no matter how much I do to push her away.

She shifts, and her head hits my shoulder. For a moment, I entertain the idea of knifing her like I should have done in the club, but that's a stupid idea, and like I said, I'm not stupid.

It's her fault, though. If she hadn't fucking come here, we could be us, instead of me and them.

Fuck. This isn't life. This isn't _my_ life. This is someone else's life; I'm just looking into an alternate reality, where everything's fucked and we just have the same names.

I wish I could wake up. Christ, it's the loudest sort of silence right now. I want them all to wake up and talk, so I can at least pretend it's okay. So I can come back to my world, and leave this fucking bizarre silent torture.

I push her head off me roughly, but it doesn't feel as good as I thought it would.


	6. V

**V

* * *

****Roxas

* * *

**

I like to watch Larxene when she's sleeping. I don't know why; it's not really something I've ever enjoyed, but she's different. She's always been different. She makes me feel like twelve, like thirteen, and even though that's not as perfect as eight and thirteen, it's close. I've been so caught up in the strangeness regarding Axel - the touching, our two kisses, the wondering about what he tastes like and the things he didn't get a chance to say - that I haven't given her much thought at all, and I think that makes me a bad friend, at least to her.

She really is beautiful when she sleeps. It's not the same as when Axel sleeps; he's peace and almost childish perfection, but she's the most aesthetically pleasing person I've ever seen, and when she sleeps I get to study her natural face, before she mars it with expression.

She's curled up next to me on the first bed in our hotel room; Naminé is at home, and Axel sleeps alone when Larxene is with us. I've not been able to figure that out - why he would refuse to sleep next to me in front of Larx - but I guess it's just a part of the things he doesn't talk about, so it's okay.

Her eyes open, and for a moment, it hits me...she's really years younger than I am. I can see her youth written on her face when she stretches, and though I know it probably looks similar on mine (like it's mirrored on Axel's), she just looks...small. Like a curled-up kitten with a child's face trying to find an adult expression.

I reach out and touch her face, trying to feel the child before she turns into the adult, trying to feel the change and understand why it happens. I wonder if that happens when I wake up, and if anyone would want to touch the child in me, if anyone cares enough to want to know what he thinks.

Probably not. They don't touch me unless I've initiated it, usually. It's not a bad thing - I prefer it that way, but I do wonder why.

"Roxas? The hell was that about?" Her face is a tiny bit red and I think she might be angry with me, even though her voice is still sleep-soft and light.

"I just wanted to touch the small part of you," I say, trying to explain the best way I can. "You're beautiful asleep."

I can tell it's not working very well, because her face gets redder. "Oh...well..."

Is she...embarrassed?

"Sorry," I offer, feeling lame and oddly inadequate.

"Loser," she murmurs. But she sounds pleased, like I've just passed a test, or possibly given her a gift. It doesn't make sense, but that's okay. I'm used to that.

I scoot away, though, when she tries to touch me. I don't understand how touching Axel can make me feel all right, especially since Larx - the one I have touched most in the past - is still too hard. Maybe it's because I know Axel would never want to have sex with me, now that we've kissed. The lips are special, sacred, and the only other person I've ever kissed is Demyx. If we did anything more, I would ruin him, like I ruined Demyx. I can't, I can't.

Thinking about this frightens me, I think. Larxene makes a face at me. "Am I that _hideous, _Rox?"

It's not her fault I can't touch her. So I reply, "No. You're beautiful. That's why I moved. I can't...touch you."

But when I say it out loud it doesn't make sense any more.

"You touch Axel," she says, and it sounds bitter, like she just tasted black licorice instead of jelly beans.

"Because he's not the one I sleep with!" I'm trying to explain but judging from her angered expression, she isn't understanding at all.

"Oh, so you'll never touch the ones you bang? What am I to you, some kind of sex toy?!"

I frown. "Why would you ask a question like that? I just can't touch you casually, because you're special..."

Just like Axel is special. Only I don't say that.

She makes me feel like twelve, like thirteen. If you add twelve and thirteen you get twenty-five, which is a good number. But I don't say this either; I don't think she could understand. Numbers are mine, and she likes words.

"You're such a freak," she says, but she doesn't sound angry any more. Just...something else I can't decipher. I might say defeated but she never gets that way, so I'll label it 'sad' instead.

I could ask her if I'm right, but she'll probably yell at me and ultimately skirt around the issue, so it's pointless.

"But I'm your freak," I say. It's a standard answer to a standard insult and I'm glad she understands that I would never think of her as anything less than perfect.

My heart jumps.

"I'm tired." This is a lie but I want it to be true.

"Lying shit."

"Bitch."

"Go to sleep, asshole. If the bedbugs bite, it's because I put them there."

I smile and lie still and close my eyes and wish for sleep. But I don't think I sleep as well if I'm not listening to Axel's heartbeat. I never knew how bad my sleep was until I slept with my head on his chest. Does this make me spoiled? Does Kairi have a perfect heartbeat to sing her to sleep at night?

I don't want to think about Kairi, so I decide to count the regular beats of my own heart. There is no pattern but I can still pretend, for a few seconds at least, that I am regular like everyone else.

Strangely, this is tiring.

* * *

**Larxene

* * *

**

I can't believe this all is happening. We are in Destiny Islands, checked into one hotel room. Roxas has touched me casually - he touched my face a couple of days ago, right as I was waking up. I don't know what made me yell at him, even though it made me happy.

There is something amazing about him, something other than his beauty and his mind. It's a bizarre _something _that makes me love him.

Axel, who is sitting with me in a coffee shop, looks at my face and smirks in his stupid way. "I think I can see smoke coming out of your ears. Stop thinking so hard; it makes you ugly."

A woman looks over at us and gives him a very disappointed look; I flip her off and smile sweetly at him. She looks away and I say, "I can't possibly look uglier than you. Anyway, I'm just thinking about Roxas. He's stuck with his family; don't you think it's time he introduced us?"

"Well, they haven't seen each other in years," he says carefully, as if he's not sure whether that's the right thing to say. I hate it when he does it; it's so uncharacteristic of him that I kind of want to kick his teeth in. Besides, that usually means he's lying and I hate it when people lie to me.

"So what?"

"So, we should step back for five seconds. Isn't that why we're here? Oh, wait. We're here because you're hiding from Naminé, like some goddamn wuss."

That cuts to the quick, not because it's overly malicious but because it's true, and he only knows because he knows me so well. Naminé isn't made like me and Axel and Roxas, she's pure somehow. Even with her Aero addiction and her weird thing with flowers. She pretends she doesn't like them but she always lingers at the window of the nursery, and I'm sure it has to do with Maurice or whoever the fuck broke her. And she scares me because I don't know how to deal with a pure person like her.

"That was fucking uncalled for," I say, reaching over the table and flicking his lips, hard.

"Ow, shit! Yeah, you're probably right. Bitch." He doesn't sound sorry at all, and I know he's not, so I'm glad he didn't say it. If I'm perfectly honest with myself, I can admit I wouldn't have him any other way, but I would never let _him _know.

"You know I'm a bitch, Axel. You don't have to publicize it and deny me the fun of terrorizing an entire island."

"Oh yes I do. How can I possibly feel important if I don't push you down?"

I laugh. Sometimes I wish that was true, but I think out of all of us, Axel is the most caring. He just...never shows it. Ever. And he's too self-assured to be bothered when people think he's a jackass. Sometimes I wonder how it would have turned out had Roxas never come to Traverse Town, but then I realize we're four years apart in age but decades apart in wisdom. And I think he would have gotten bored eventually, so we'd end up hating each other.

"You're an abusive bastard."

"Good thing we're not dating, then."

But we don't hate each other, even though it probably looks that way to other people.

"Roxas thought we were together, you know," he says randomly, and I kind of want to punch him again. We were having a great time, and then he brought up Roxas.

"Really."

"Yeah. He asked me why we...put up with him, basically. He said we were perfect together, and that...we could be better than we are. That we should leave him behind."

His face is the visualization of disgust, but I know better than to be offended. He's not disgusted at the thought of spending the rest of his life with me - it's kind of a given that we'll be together till we die anyway, just not Together - but disgusted at the thought of living together without Roxas.

"Well, he's SOL if he thinks that's happening," I remark. It's true. We're three forever, whether he likes it or not. But I know he does.

"Yeah, I know. I was just surprised - he was fucked on Ether, and you know he doesn't ever lie then. Why do you think that is, anyway?"

"That's when his mind's not chaotic," I say. "He's ordered but he's too inebriated to realize he's saying his thoughts out loud." It's really obvious, at least to me. But then, I love to observe and analyze. If I didn't take pleasure in others' pain and suffering, I'd probably be a great psychiatrist or something.

"Huh." Sometimes I wonder how Axel can be so stupid when he's so smart. Out of the three of us, I'm the dumb one, but Axel acts stupid and no one knows just how far it goes with me because I know how to lie. If someone is talking about something I don't understand, I stay quiet and listen for a while until I understand enough to inject a mind-blowing comment. But Axel just doesn't even bother.

I glance out the window and do a double-take; Roxas is outside the window, hugging a boy tightly. The boy has brown hair and even though I can't see him very well, I think he looks like Roxas a little.

But then I realize Roxas isn't hugging back; he's stiff and the arms around the boy look lifeless. Finally the brunette pulls away. Belatedly, I flick some butter at Axel and point out the window. He frowns in a strange not-upset way. Odd fucker.

The two enter the shop and head to our table. Roxas sits by me and the new boy sits by Axel; for a second, I'm pleased he chose me again. But that's stupid so I push it away.

"I'm Sora," the brunette says cheerfully. "What are your names, Roxas' friends?"

Axel and I look at each other for a moment. How does Roxas know this weirdo?

"I'm Axel," says Axel after a minute. "This is Larxene, but we call her Bitch for short. You look like a kid."

Sora rolls his eyes. "I am a kid. I'm nineteen, anyway. I'm Roxas' future brother-in-law. At least, I was hoping."

Roxas looks away and I realize Sora is saying he was hoping to marry Kairi. I want to reach out and grab Roxas' hand but I don't, because I know he'll pull away. But when Axel does it, thinking he's sneaky for doing it under the table, Roxas lets him and even squeezes a little. I refuse to be jealous though, because I know they've never slept together. They probably haven't even kissed. Roxas isn't into kissing.

"You can still..." Roxas stops and for the first time, it shows on his face: he has no idea what to do. He doesn't understand...something. And I know he won't tell us because he doesn't know how.

"No," Sora says. "It would kill Naminé. Kairi doesn't want to...you know...perpetuate the cycle. Marluxia really did a number on her."

I raise my eyebrow at Axel, who shrugs slightly. It's weird to be sitting with Roxas and listening to a conversation we absolutely can't follow. I'm used to knowing things and I'm out of my element; it scares me but only Axel knows when I'm scared, because everyone else thinks I'm just bitchier than usual. Maybe Roxas knows. But he never really calls me on it.

"Who is this Marluxia," Roxas questions. "Naminé wouldn't tell me and I didn't want to ask Kairi."

Sora makes a face. "He's Naminé's ex. She met him at the nursery - he owns it. They put it in...just after you left, actually. She thought he was perfect...I thought he was awful, but she didn't want to hear that. He would give her presents, and always called her his 'little white rose,' which made her happy. But then he started a really weird 'overprotective' thing, which was really more of a control thing. She got scared, but she couldn't leave him because he's much bigger than _any _of us and he made it clear that if she left, she'd be sorry. That's when the addictions started...she stopped eating, just to have something she could control. But he would sometimes make her eat, so she started throwing it up. He found out, and even though he never hit her, she was always terrified he would. So she started doing Aero, because it gave her the same light feeling and it makes you unable to eat. We - Riku and I, that is - tried to save her from him, but..."

Sora sighed and looked at the table. "He told her he was tired of her, and he didn't want to see her again. That was only after she gave everything up for him. He told her it all had been a game - an experiment. She took the chance to leave when your parents died, because she couldn't handle being in the same town but not being able to see him. She came back every month, and when Kairi got sick again...she knew she had to find you quick. And here you are."

"Riku tried to help you?" Roxas looks a little upset for some reason, and I wonder why that stands out the most.

"He's different now," Sora defends. Axel looks at me again, and this time I shrug. I don't know or care who Riku is, but I think I understand now why Naminé was so clingy at the club.

I don't like the story though; I'm not really a feminist, because I think it should be a given that girls are equal and if anyone tells me otherwise they're just unintelligent or uneducated, so I don't care about their opinions. But that's not the way a girl should be treated, especially by a guy she gave her whole self to. He's a guy I'd probably knife if I ever met him. In fact, I think I might go do it after this. I know where I can find him.

A look at Roxas actually scares me. His facial expression hasn't changed much, but he feels angry. I can tell. And for such a stoic person, this much anger will almost certainly turn into something huge, and probably violent; he did spend a year lifting sixty-pound boxes every day. Maybe I'll let him have this battle. After all, Naminé is his sister.

After a minute, though, it's gone and he looks as calm as he usually does. "I want you to meet my other sister," he says, looking first at me and then at Axel. He wriggles his hand away from Axel's, and I notice that Axel seems a little upset about that.

"Of course," I say immediately. "Jackass and I were just talking about that. Weren't we, Cupcake?"

"What a lie! I'm surprised at you, Larxie-darling," he replies, batting his eyelashes at me. This is the kind of thing that makes him such a presence; he can be such a charming guy, even when he's insulting the hell out of people. Sometimes I wonder what possessed Roxas to become friends with people like us.

Roxas rolls his eyes. "You don't have a choice anyway. Tomorrow Kairi will be home, because we can't afford to keep her in the hospital, even with my savings."

I wonder how he can say that with a straight face...but I really think he just feels so much that it's like he doesn't feel anything, or he doesn't know how. He's odd like that.

* * *

**Axel

* * *

**

Roxas' sister still has her red hair. I don't know why I expected her to be bald - because I know they can't afford chemotherapy. I want to tell Roxas he can use my money, that he could have everything if it made him happy. But Larx told me he wouldn't take it and I think she's right. I might tell him anyway, or even donate it and call it an anonymous contribution - because even though Kairi's too sweet and light for my tastes, I can tell he loves her in his own weird way and I don't think he could handle losing her.

She's not weak, really; she can move around and stuff, at any rate; but she does look like everything is tiring and she takes naps a lot. Right now Larx is hanging out with Naminé - that's something I haven't been able to figure out yet, but I think it must be a girl thing - and Roxas has gone to get some more baby snacks for the twins he never knew about, so it's just me and Kairi here and damn, it's awkward.

"You love my brother," she says, after a weird staring contest. I was hoping she'd break the silence but I can't say I'm very happy about the subject she used.

So I just keep looking at her.

"It's obvious," she continues. "And I think he loves you back. He never let anyone touch him if he didn't initiate it, when he still lived with us, but he lets you touch him."

"I've just grown on him," I say. I should be glad about this revelation, but I'm not; for some reason I'm more scared than anything.

"Right," she says, and it's the first time I've heard her use sarcasm. Quieter, she adds, "I know he's afraid of love, because he never got it as a kid and he doesn't understand it. But he deserves it. Everyone does. Even people like your friend Larxene."

She's smiling and I realize she has a good sense of humor. That's good; I was starting to hate her, for some reason.

"Well, don't tell him. He'll punch my face in." What I mean is that he'll leave me.

"Couldn't possibly bear to have _your _looks marred by a little blood, huh?"

And I think she understands.

* * *

**Roxas

* * *

**

I hate having to explain myself. Not because I think I shouldn't have to, but because I don't know how. But Kairi wants to know why I left the Islands, why I didn't stay in contact, why I came back after all this time.

"I forgot about you," I want to say. But even I know that's not the right thing to say.

So I compromise. "I needed to get my head in order."

She smiles at me, but it's not a happy smile. "And it's ordered now?"

I shake my head. "No, but Naminé said you were dying. I wanted to see you again before I lost the chance altogether."

The smile she gives me is more genuine, and I'm glad. It's always better when she smiles. "Well, I'm glad you came back."

"Me too," I say, and I mean it. I kind of want to give her a hug but I don't know how to start one with her, so I don't. It's a little weird to see them again because it's bringing up memories I didn't know I lost in the first place.

"Sora missed you too."

Why did she tell me that? I don't see the point. I couldn't go back and decide not to leave, even if I wanted to. I don't want to. I have Axel and Larx, and I think they kind of saved me from my numbers. I might have drowned in the endless waves and strings, but I didn't. I don't owe them my life, but I owe them my sanity.

"Oh."

She doesn't stop smiling, but it changes. I don't know what she's feeling, but I can tell it's not the same thing she was feeling before. "At first he tried to take over for you…be the brother Mom and Dad wouldn't let you be. He even dated Riku for a year, you know. But…it was always going to be me and Sora, I think. Riku and Naminé made up, and they became pretty good friends, and Sora…he wanted to save me, Roxas."

She's crying now. I hate it. She doesn't know that, though, and she continues. "Sora feels like he has to be everybody's hero, and I think…I think he's more of a hero than he realizes. Every time he makes Naminé smile, every time he jokes with Riku, every time he makes someone on the street a little happier…every time he kisses me…he's saving people. He just doesn't see that saving lives isn't as important, I think."

She laughs through her tears and I want to put my hand on her arm, but I don't because it scares me a little. So I smile, even though I have no idea what she's thinking or even getting at. She rubs her eye and says, "I went through chemo again when I was fourteen. I was upset about losing my hair, so he…he came over and told me to cut his hair. He'd been growing it out in a competition with Riku, and I was surprised. I asked him…" She sniffs. "I asked him if he was okay with losing the competition. He told me it was worth looking like a wimp in front of Riku, as long as he could match me. And I cut it. I shaved it all off. No one made fun of him except Riku, but we were expecting that and we just laughed. Sora's…Sora _is_ my hero. But I'm glad you're back, because…sometimes I feel like he's the Samson to my Delilah and maybe he would-"

"He loves you," I say. I think she's surprised, but she shouldn't be; it's obvious to me. And when she smiles, I wish I could save her. She hugs me tight, and I don't pull away. I hug back, because it's the only thing I can do.


	7. VI

**VI

* * *

****Larxene

* * *

**

Naminé isn't as strange as I thought she was. She's still weird and small and terrifying, but I'm starting to understand her. I'm starting to get mad when she looks like she's making love to Aero because something that pure shouldn't ever be destroyed, especially like this.

Sometimes I even find myself wondering what it would be like – to make love, I mean. I don't know whether I want to do it with Roxas, or even Naminé herself, because when I try to imagine it, I only see blue and gold. Eyes and hair. And I know it's just me being a young woman starting a new phase in her life and all that hormonal shit.

That doesn't stop me from wanting it.

Roxas hasn't done anything about Marluxia, because Kairi's gotten sicker and sicker since we arrived. I was expecting it, but there's something unsettling about watching someone die like that. I killed my parents, but that was on _my _time. They died quickly and painfully and it made me happy. Kairi's death doesn't make me happy at all, and I think it's because it makes Naminé and Roxas sad, and by proxy, Axel sad. _He_ likes to talk to Kairi sometimes – I don't know why, since I know he can't possibly be fond of her as a person.

So that's why I'm on my way to the nursery. I have no idea why this is such a big deal to me, since I don't know this prick and to be honest, I'm still not sure if I even like Naminé at all. I'm always wondering whether she really has any right to sit there, shaking like a leaf, scaring me half to death no matter what she does.

I hear a chime when I open the door, and the man who comes to greet me makes me stop walking. It isn't anything he's done, but he's very attractive and very _big. _Axel is probably taller, but Axel is also mostly shaped like an anorexic woman who gave birth to quintuplets last year. The florist is _definitely _a man, even though his pink hair makes me wonder if he's only checking out my tits to keep appearances.

"Hi," I say. "I'm looking for a guy. Marluxia."

He makes a weird face at me. It's not weird in that it _looks _weird; I've just never seen it before. It almost looks like he can't decide whether to be intrigued or disgusted or confused. Like I'm a puzzle he wants to solve. And I can't tell if that's a good thing or a bad thing, so I just ignore it for now. I'll have plenty of time to think on it later.

"I'm not sure he'll be available today," he says, shrugging. "What do you want with him?"

I smile my best thunder smile. "Depends on who's asking. Don't want to spoil the surprise, now, do I?"

He smiles back; he has his own brand of thunder smile, which makes something in me shiver ecstatically. Roxas is dangerous, but unless you know him you don't know that. This guy could let you know in one look. "My name is Lumaria Bloom."

"Like that tells me anything," I say. "Other than your name, of course. And for the record, I hate it when people lie to me."

He doesn't look surprised at all. I wonder what's up with him. He just shrugs again and says, "So do I. Marluxia is my cousin. With which lovely lady am _I _speaking?"

He's charming in a different way than Axel, and I think I like it. "Larxene Andersen. I just got into town; I heard Marluxia is the best florist here, and that this nursery is the best place to buy exotic plants. Of course, I have a secondary motive, but as you're cousins, I can't tell you."

Lumaria smiles that scary smile again, and holds out his hand to shake. I notice that his nails, though slightly grimy beneath the tips, are well-kept and nice looking. In fact, he looks impeccably groomed all around, from his shoes to his wavy pink hair. When I shake, I can't help wondering again if this guy is into girls at all. It's hard to tell.

"Why don't we go to lunch? I can close the shop for an hour or so; Marluxia will be out of town for a few days, so he won't know. Perhaps eventually you'll tell me what you want with him."

"Are you asking me out on a date," I ask flatly. I think I might be attracted to this guy, but my heart – small and unused as it is – still belongs to Roxas. Always will belong to Roxas. I don't know if this makes me feel like I'm betraying him or not.

"Yes, I am. What is your answer?"

It's not like I'm going to sleep with him, anyway; and to be honest, Roxas isn't faithful to me. He doesn't know what I feel and he certainly doesn't return my feelings. So I say, "I'll go." I frown and add, "But I'm not telling you anything. It's between me, and Marluxia."

He shrugs delicately and turns away to wash and dry his hands. "Do you like Indian? There's a new restaurant called Agrabah Market, just down the street."

"I love Indian, but I don't get very many chances to eat it," I reply honestly.

"Then, shall we go?"

I take his arm, feeling slightly ridiculous, and I get the weird feeling like he's lying to me again. I know I should be on my guard, but there's something…strange about the way he speaks to me. It's almost like I can't help but trust him, and even though I know he could be a very frightening person, I'm having a hard time resisting the urge to smile back at him.

The place is pretty crowded, for the middle of the day. He orders nan and rose milk for both of us, and we observe other people. He's good at reading people, probably better than I am. A young woman is cheating on her husband at the table next to us, and the couple at the far end of the restaurant is a new partnership. A man sits alone in a shadowed corner, red roses on the plate across from him, picking at his food. He was either stood up or really doesn't want to be here.

Lumaria takes a finger and runs it along the edge of his hair, flicking it back. It doesn't do anything except make him look pompous, but I think he knows that.

Our waiter brings the food out, and I smile when I taste my curry. It's spicy and perfect in consistency. It could be spicier though and I regret ordering 'hot' instead of 'very hot.' Lumaria looks content with his 'medium' and spoons it over rice.

"That's really spicy enough for you," I question.

"I like to take care of my body," he replies carelessly, taking his first bite.

I roll my eyes and dip some nan into mine, because even though I love curry I'm not that fond of rice. We eat in silence, which I appreciate, because even though I'm not even close to being Miss Manners I don't like talking with my mouth full. It's disgusting.

It only takes us a few minutes to finish; luckily, this restaurant knows what 'small portions' means and I don't have to take any home. I pull my wallet out of the pocket of my jeans but Lumaria holds up a hand. "I'd like to pay for this; I asked you to accompany me, after all."

I shrug and put away my wallet. Hey – if he wants to give me a free meal, I'd be retarded not to accept. I'm not like most other girls, but in my opinion, that's a good thing. He smiles when I put my wallet away, and for some reason I feel like I've passed a test.

We pay the bill and finally, we leave the restaurant. He looks better in the dim light; I don't really know why, though. It's something about the bright sunlight that makes him almost…softer. I don't like soft. And I'm glad when we finally reach the nursery, because it's darker in there than it is outside.

"I liked the restaurant," I say.

"I did as well," he replies, giving me another pseudo thunder smile. "We should do it again, sometime."

I shrug, and when he stretches his arms above his head I can't help but admire the way he's built. His hair is slightly off-putting, but his chest is broad and his arms are strong. His eyes meet mine – they're some shade of bluish green I can't classify, and very intense – and he sticks his hand out again. "What do you say?"

I put my hand in his and we shake. "I think that's a great idea. When do you want to meet up again?"

"Why don't you come round here tomorrow, at six-thirty? We can have dinner together."

"Sounds great."

As I leave, I get the feeling that I just did something incredibly stupid, but I don't know why. It's not like he gives off 'murderer' vibes.

Actually…that's it. He doesn't give off any 'vibes' at all.

I want Roxas and Axel. Even Naminé. I want something familiar. Even if 'familiar' means 'really fucking terrifying.'

* * *

**Axel

* * *

**

Larxene has been disappearing more and more often. I know she's not with Naminé, because she's been asking about Larx and I have to say 'I don't know' an awful lot. I know she's not trying to…get away from us, since every night she comes home and looks at Roxas the way she's always looked at him. Like she's in love with him. I didn't recognize it before – or I did, but I didn't want it to be true – but it can't be classified in any other way.

I kind of feel like I'm breaking into something I shouldn't. Larxene is a bitch, yeah, but she's my friend and I think she deserves happiness. She deserves _Roxas. _I don't want to think like that, but it's the truth – she deserves him more than I do.

Is that going to stop me? No, not really. I can be just as much of a bitch, when it comes down to it. I'm selfish and I go after what I want, which is Roxas right now. I don't want to screw her over but it sort of seems like she's doing that on her own.

"Larxene's gone again," I say. Roxas and Kairi look up; we're in Kairi's room, trying to distract her from the depression that comes along with knowing you'll be dead within six months. If I had to choose between dying quickly and dying slowly, I'd choose dying quickly. I'd rather be blown up at a very young age than feel myself die at fifty.

"She's been disappearing often lately," Kairi replies. Her voice is scratchy and I pass her a glass of water before I can even think about it. Things like that have become commonplace, recently.

"I miss her," Roxas says, and it startles both Kairi and me. Roxas isn't one for extra words and he _never _talks about how he feels. A sentiment like this must be pretty important, for him to vocalize it. I can feel myself getting upset already.

I can't quite keep the bitterness out of my voice when I say, "Why? It's not like she's _leaving _you. Maybe she's made friends here or something."

"Larx doesn't make friends," he replies, apparently not catching the bitterness – though I can tell his sister did. "I'm just used to having her around and it isn't complete without twelve."

This thing – this numbers thing – is something I've never been able to figure out. It's so goddamn _weird _that I don't know what to _do _with it. It's part of that section of his mind even Larxene can't break into.

Kairi seems to know whatever it is Roxas is talking about, though, because she smiles even though there is a waver in her voice when she says, "Oh, Roxas…I'll miss you when I'm dead."

Roxas accepts her sudden hug, but he doesn't return it. Instead, he looks – stunned. Like he can't move. Like because Kairi said it, there's no going back. She's going to _die. _And I know I have to make a decision. But I think I know what I was going to do all along; I was just too afraid to go through with it.

I guess that little exchange made _me _realize the gravity of this situation, too.

* * *

**Larxene

* * *

**

It's been three weeks and Marluxia has yet to show up. By now, though, I'm pretty sure Lumaria _is _Marluxia – their names are so similar, and even though he told me their parents did that on purpose, there's a nagging at the back of my mind telling me to get rid of this guy.

But then, he's been nothing but charming since I met him. Very courteous, very appealing. And he's _interesting. _I can't really pinpoint the source of my distrust, but I don't really know what to do. It's not like he could ever do to me what he did to Naminé, if I'm correct.

And speaking of _Naminé. _She's so fucking unreadable. One minute she's all clingy like she can't get enough of me, and the next she's distant and scared of me. Can't she just make up her goddamn mind? And it doesn't help that three-fourths of the time, she's fucked up. She's almost as good as Roxas at hiding it, except Roxas doesn't hide it and it makes a huge difference. She seems so empty, even though she's all emotional.

I don't really know why that's such a big deal to me, though. It's not like she's actually important. She's Roxas' younger sister, an _Aero _addict, and I even found out she likes Aeroshots better. What. The. _Fuck. _By all rights, I should hate her. I guess it's because she _is _his sister.

And I can't make up my mind about _him, _either. At first I thought there was something between him and Axel, but now I'm thinking maybe I was wrong. I see the way they look at each other, but it's not…attraction. Or maybe it is. It's really confusing and I _hate _that.

"Penny for your thoughts," Lumaria says. We're at the Indian place again, and he brought me a white rose. There's the proof I needed.

"Right back atcha, _Marluxia," _I say. I don't mean for it to sound betrayed. But it does, and even I wonder why. It's not like he did anything to me; sure, he lied, but I lied too. It's even.

"I'm surprised you figured it out so soon." He doesn't even sound embarrassed or anything. That's either a point in his favor or proof of malicious intent, and it's infuriating, how I can't read him like I can read others. Maybe that's what draws me to him: I need to figure him out.

"It wasn't hard. I've been mulling it over for a while now, but you gave me proof with the flower."

"Really? How so?"

I hate that he's calm about this, especially since I know he wasn't expecting me to be _looking _for something. "I have an inside source. I heard you were an evil dick," I tell him bluntly.

"Oh, I am," he replies pleasantly, and suddenly I have that strange urge – the one where I want to stab someone. I can picture him covered in blood, and that…is a really good image. I think for a second that I'd like it as much as seeing Roxas covered in blood, but then I realize it's stupid. Roxas would look better, obviously.

"I figured as much. Why didn't you tell me at first, anyway? It's not like you have any use for me, except entertainment and possibly a good lay. If you're kinky enough to handle me."

"Oh, I am," he says again, making me want to kick his shins. Then, he says, "Of course, you're assuming I didn't lie to you because I thought you were attractive. That was my motive exactly. I knew, from your mannerisms that day, that if you knew who I was you wouldn't give me a chance."

Well, my bullshit-o-meter is going off like crazy right now, but I humor him. "Oh yeah? What did you want a chance to do?"

"Get to know you, of course. I find it bad taste to bed people I don't know."

For some reason the thought of having sex with him doesn't bother me. I've been so used to Roxas as my only partner that I usually have an aversion to other people, but Lumaria – Marluxia, rather – is different. Special, even. I can't tell whether I want to kill him or fuck him, and maybe that's the same feeling. Maybe killing is like sex. It's certainly as enjoyable – or at least, it _was. _I only killed two people, and they both deserved it.

"Well, now you know me."

I don't know what I've signed up for, but really, it doesn't matter right now. I warned him that I'm not exactly gentle when it comes to sex. And if he can't handle me, then – I guess that just means he's not the dangerous man they say he is. And I can leave him behind.

* * *

**Roxas

* * *

**

There's been an anonymous donation of money for Kairi. I don't know where it came from, and I don't know why anyone would do that for her. It's not that she doesn't deserve it, but she's logically not important to society. She's one Island girl with a freak for a brother, an addict for a sister, and two younger siblings who don't even know she's dying.

Now we can afford to get her treated, _properly. _We aren't rich, and our parents weren't either, so they could never pay for everything. Which is probably why she keeps getting sick. I don't know anything about cancer and I don't understand why she keeps getting sad, but I do know that now we can hopefully help her. There isn't a cure for cancer but there is help. At least, that's what people say.

"I'm going to lose my hair again," Kairi says softly. She's not talking to me. I don't understand why it's a big deal to her; it's just hair, after all. She'll be just as pretty without it as she will with it.

Sora hugs her, gently, and I turn my face away because it seems too private for me to be looking. "Then you can cut mine again. Whatever happens, we're in this together, okay?"

I don't know how they can be so devoted to each other. When I was their age I'd already been living on my own for eight months and I couldn't stand to have attachments. I'm a different person but something is very…passionate about them. It's like they just know they want to be together no matter what.

I guess that's how I am with Axel. Larxene, too. But when Larxene disappears, I only miss her. I'm not sad. When Axel leaves, I _am _sad. I don't really understand where it comes from; I'm not losing him. He's just not beside me.

"I love you," she says quietly. "You'll come visit me, right?"

"Course I will," he replies, and I can tell he's smiling at her. He's probably holding her hands and hoping to cheer her up. "As much as possible. And I'll even pester the doctors to let you do outpatient!"

"They'll say no. But you can do that, if you want."

"Well, you never know until you try. Nothing's impossible! No matter what, Kairi, I'll always be with you, okay? No matter what."

Kairi laughs behind me, and when I glance at them she's smiling at him. Even from her place on the hospital bed, she's smiling and it's like she doesn't remember how awful chemo is. It's like she doesn't have cancer right now.

I don't get it at all. It makes me angry, almost. I don't understand how she can be so carefree about something that painful…something that could kill her instead of heal her. I don't understand why Sora smiles at her like that, or why she has a special smile for him. Axel gives me that look sometimes, but I don't understand _his, _either.

I see Larxene outside the door and I look at Kairi fully. "I'm going to tell Larx what's going on. Do you want me to come back later?"

"That's okay, Roxas," she says. I can't tell, but I think she might be sad. Maybe just tired; that wouldn't be surprising. "Visiting hours is almost over anyway. I start treatment tomorrow, though. Do you think you can visit me, if they'll let you?"

"Sure."

I leave the room, because something is making me uncomfortable. I don't know what it is, but I need to get away. It's something in my chest, rising like the sea at high tide. Or maybe like a tidal wave.

"Rox, there you are! Are you…_crying?"_

"Of course not." But I think I will be soon. I can feel something sting in my eyes, anyway, and my throat feels like it's swelling. Like strep throat without the headache, or like I tried and failed to swallow a ball.

"Okay, then." She rolls her eyes and turns, motioning for me to follow. "Let's get back, okay? Axel's waiting at the house, and he's shit at babysitting. Naminé's fucked up again, apparently. Probably because Kairi's here now."

That doesn't make sense to me – shouldn't she be happy that Kairi might get better? Naminé used to be the one I could relate with the most, but now it seems like she's somewhere else. Her mind is on another plane and I can't see it any more.

"Yeah, let's go."

I don't know why my voice is so scratchy, or why my throat is getting tighter and tighter. But it's a little hard to concentrate and I wish Larxene would say something. _Anything. _The silence is crushing me and I know when we get home she's going off to wherever she goes. I'm not sad she's leaving but I do wish I knew where she was going because if she leaves for good, I _will _be sad.

I find Axel in Kairi's empty room, sitting by the bed. He's frowning at the twins, Xion and Alice, but not in an angry way. In a confused way, like he doesn't understand something. But they're asleep, so it's not like they've done anything.

"Hey, Roxas," he says, and then he looks at me. "Oh, Christ…are you _okay?"_

"I'm fine." But I don't think I am. So I leave the room and find my old one, which only has a bed because my parents turned it into a guest room when I left. My eyes hurt and my cheeks are still wet, and my throat still feels like it's too tight.

Axel follows me, and as soon as he's sitting next to me I put my arms around him because I can't help it. I don't understand – my body is acting funny and this isn't crying. I cried for Demyx. I don't understand what this could be but it hurts my whole body; my chest hurts, my stomach hurts, and it feels like something's crawling through me.

I can hear something coming from my mouth, but none of it makes sense. I just know that my face is in his chest but because I'm so loud, I can't hear his heart. For some reason that makes my stomach hurt worse.

"Hey, hey, calm down," says Axel softly. He rubs the top of my head and my back, and for some reason that helps. I'm still shaking but he keeps rubbing and it's calming me down. It's like he knew that would help, and I wonder why.

I realize I am very close to him – I was _aware _of it before, but I didn't really _know – _and I sit up and push him away. My hands feel funny; they won't move. They're stuck with my thumbs nearly touching my palms and my fingers together and straight.

"My hands feel funny," I try to say, but my lips aren't working either and it just sounds like I'm making noise. I try to laugh but that doesn't come out right either.

So I push him down onto the pillow and put my ear on his chest, because right now that's the only thing that makes sense any more. His perfect heartbeat.


	8. VII

**VII

* * *

****Axel

* * *

**

I don't know why it makes me so mad that Larxene is obviously fucking someone. I know it's not Roxas, because _he _isn't fucking anyone. But she is. And I know it should be relieving to me, because that means she might be moving on, but instead it infuriates me. _Because _she's moving on. I don't see how she could possibly see anything in someone who _isn't _Roxas.

Maybe I'm just biased. I mean, that's probably a big part of it. But I was actually pretty sure she loved him. What happened? Why did she decide to move on, if she loves him?

Nothing makes sense to me any more.

There was a time, a couple of weeks ago – right after Kairi went into the hospital – that Roxas started crying. And it wasn't even just crying; he was _sobbing _like I've never even heard before. Funny thing is (well, it's more of a confusing irony than actual humor), he didn't even realize what was going on. He didn't _know _he was reacting so much. I know it's because Kairi might die, but I don't know how it could've _just_ hit him. And _he's _not telling any time soon.

I'm a little upset with Naminé, too. She doesn't realize it, but she's destroying him. He said once, when we still lived in Traverse Town and he was on Ether, that he didn't understand the world. That he didn't understand people, or emotions, or even himself – but I can tell he was close to Naminé, at least when they were kids. That she is so messed up right now is messing _him_ up. I don't think he knows it, but _I _can tell.

I feel like I'm the only one who hasn't changed during this whole moving process. Larx is distant, Roxas is unstable, Kairi's doing chemo, Naminé is out of her mind half the time and _always _scared of something she won't (or can't) talk about, and even _Sora _is subdued. When I first met him I thought he was incapable of being anything less than cheery – but sometimes he comes over and sits on Kairi's bed. He doesn't cry, but he looks like he would if he could.

I'm supposed to meet the mysterious Riku – he'll be here in a few minutes, so Roxas is setting the table for an extra person while I get everything off the stove – and it doesn't seem like Roxas likes him very much, but apparently he's a huge part of Kairi's life. Sora's, too. And apparently Naminé's.

"He's here," Roxas says quietly. "Sit next to me."

So I do. After the last dish is on the table, I sit next to him and even though he doesn't touch me (he usually doesn't), I can tell he's a little more stable in his mind. Maybe he's drawing strength from me or something – it's unlikely, but I kind of wish it was true. Just so I could be there, be _his _light for once. Reverse the situation.

And here come Riku and Sora. _Fuck, _but Riku looks like someone who just walked out of a teen pop magazine. And I don't mean looks – as far as attractiveness, he's average at best – but the pompous way he carries himself. The look on his face underneath his bangs. He's here only because he's 'gracing us with his presence.'

What could _anyone _see in this guy?

"Hello, Riku," Roxas says neutrally.

"Nice to see you again, Roxas." But he doesn't really mean it; I can tell. I hope Larxene gets here soon, because I really don't want to sit by Riku or Naminé, who just barely came through the door. At least she's not flying right now, though her eyes are red like she's been crying.

I know it's probably hard to see your other half – a twin, as opposed to a significant other – deteriorate like Kairi has been, but I think it would be more useful to be strong. Kairi would probably want her to flourish, not waste away. But hey, it's none of my business unless Roxas makes it his business.

"Riku," Naminé cries. She sounds glad to see him. Well, he _did _save her from that Marluxia guy, but he still looks arrogant. Even more arrogant than me; most of mine is a façade, anyway. I know I'm nothing special, but it's entertaining to pretend.

"Hey, Nami. How've you been?"

"Good; really good." Well, that's a lie. But hey. These days, most things are.

"I'm Axel. You must be Riku," I say, holding out my hand.

"Yes, Kairi told me about _you." _

He shakes my hand. I can't really tell by his tone what he thinks of me; it's very neutral. Maybe he doesn't think anything; maybe I'm too far below his notice to actually care about. Well, good. This way I can keep an eye on him.

"Kairi didn't mention you at all," I reply pleasantly. "Now, eat. I didn't cook this so you all could stare at it."

It's silent for now; and I'm glad. That means everyone is eating. There's only one thing I actually truly take pride in, and that's my cooking. I think it's probably because it took me so long to get over my fear of stoves, and because of that I have a lot of practice so I'm good. Really fucking awesome, to tell the absolute truth. I hate it when people don't enjoy my food; I'm not sure why, but it doesn't matter.

Naminé finishes first, after only eating a couple of bites. Apparently she hates eating. But I guess I kind of knew that, from Sora's story. Roxas finishes second; I was expecting that, too. He always eats the same things, and it's not very much.

I finish next, followed by Riku. Sora's not far behind. I don't know why it's so silent, but it's like there's an unspoken agreement between everyone that we won't talk until everyone's done. It's weird, but it's not like I'm complaining. This way we're done faster and we can leave each other's company. I want to be alone with Roxas, even if he doesn't acknowledge me. He often doesn't but I know that's just how he is with everyone.

Riku catches up with Roxas at the sink and says, quietly, "For what it's worth…I'm sorry. I was young and angry and stupid back then, and I didn't understand everything."

Roxas finishes rinsing off his dishes and replies, "I can't forgive you, especially now that I remember. But I'm not mad. Don't bring it up and we can move on."

Riku looks stunned, and I quickly rinse my plate before he can focus. I go after Roxas because he's the important one. Besides; Riku is Sora's friend, and whatever happened back there is something Sora probably knows about. _They _can talk it over or whatever, but my priority is Roxas.

"Hey," he says, surprising me. He's sitting on his bed, waiting for me, and I didn't think he'd actually initiate conversation after that.

"Hey."

"Larx didn't show."

I shrug. "Well, something probably came up. She has a job now."

Roxas only looks pensive but I think he was hurt that she didn't show up even though she promised she would.

"So, what happened back there with Riku?"

I don't think he'll answer me. But he does. "I didn't remember this before," he says slowly. "When I got here I started remembering things from that blank spot. He was there."

His eyes are becoming unfocused and I know he's starting to get confused. I _almost _want him to fly, just this once, so he can tell me. I could ask anyone, but for some reason I feel like it's important for him to tell me.

"What did he do?"

Roxas frowns, seemingly trying to collect his thoughts. "He blamed me when they first found out. Kairi. The window."

Riku blamed him for something, that's obvious. Probably Kairi's cancer, but that doesn't make any sense. If Kairi was eleven Riku would have been at least twelve, and that's old enough to understand that cancer is a disease no one can give you.

"Yeah, well, he looks like a moron to me." I don't know why I just said that, but it makes Roxas smile so it's all right.

"Me too."

We sit silently like we always do, side by side with him closest to the wall, but there's something different. A kind of thickness between us, something almost tangibly tense.

And suddenly he reaches over and pulls me to him and kisses me.

* * *

**Roxas

* * *

**

There is something wrong with me. I don't know what it is; it's inside, buried beneath the graphs and charts and endless numbers, and I can't get to it. It's like a small person is in my stomach and chest, beating on my ribs, rattling the cage made of eights and thirteens and multiples of ten.

It's worse when Axel is around. It makes me very spontaneous, and sometimes I act on it. It's very hard to stop myself. I think it scares me, or it would if it could.

I don't know how long I kissed him, but the sun had completely set when I became aware of the situation. At one point I climbed on top of him, and I put my fingers on his neck and my left hand on his chest, so I could feel his pulse and the beating of his heart without leaving his lips.

But even though I really like kissing him, I hate it. It's getting out of control; I'm afraid he'll convince himself he's falling for me or even worse, I'll be able to accept the lie. He's not like Larxene; he's more delicate. He's stronger, too, even though I don't know how it's possible. He's the person I tried so hard not to ruin…the person I tried so hard to protect. And I messed it up because I forgot to scratch the feeling off my skin.

Which is why I'm in the shower right now, scratching, biting, _anything. _I need to get rid of the feeling, get rid of the problem. I don't understand how just _looking _at him, just _feeling _him, could make me like this.

When I have sex with someone, they have to work me up beforehand. Usually by dancing, because dancing is a precursor to sex. I have to try _hard _to get myself in this state, because if I don't, I can't do the things I understand. Physical things. Larxene can do it by hurting me, by biting me, by cutting me, but even she can't do it completely. And now, just pressing our bodies together made me this way.

It's bringing up other things, other thoughts, I didn't know were possible. I want him. I can't have sex with him, but I _want _him. I don't know if it's because he's perfect, or simply because he's _Axel, _but I do know that every time I fall asleep with my ear on his chest, I am calm. I am relaxed. The numbers in my head are drowned out.

More blood is running down the drain than usual. It's different; I can tell it's red, instead of the pink color I get. The water is turning cold and now I'm not in the state Axel caused, but I can't stop scratching. My nails and my teeth are digging in, and it's like every drop of blood is carrying a little bit of feeling, so it's almost gone.

But I'm cold and kind of dizzy and I should probably get out. I'm having trouble, but I don't know why. Am I not eating enough? I've eaten the same things every day for a long time, so that can't be it. Maybe it was the heat of the shower. Now that I'm out, and drying off with a towel, it should get better.

It's hard to put on my clean clothes but I know if I fall asleep on the floor I'll wake up sore, so I need to do it. I can't show my body to Axel. I've never shown it to anyone, except the researcher who checked up on me during that blank period.

I didn't like his tests – the scans, the monitors, the shake of his head when he told them there was no hope of 'recovery' from whatever they thought I had – and I didn't like the way he looked at the scar-lines on my body. Like I'm stupid, like they don't need to be there. Like I'm a freak – I am, but he made it clear that he thought so.

It was his fault, too. If he hadn't started the project, his apprentice wouldn't have taken it farther. Maybe I would be normal; maybe I would be able to be loved by someone. By Axel. Maybe I would deserve him then, but I don't and I want to leave. I want to go away, disappear, fly away and let him move on to better things.

I'm tired, and I don't know why. Maybe after I sleep – after I make it to my bed (it seems so far away right now) – I can decide how to get away from him. I can move, I can change my name. But Kairi –

"Roxas, what – oh, Christ, what the _hell…"_

That's Axel's voice. He's nearby. I think he's angry at me, but I don't know why. Is it because he saw my problem before? Is he disgusted? I can't tell. I'm just really tired.

"Hang on, I'm gonna patch this up and get you to the doctor…oh, _hell, _what the fuck did you _do _to yourself?"

I reach up. I want to tell him not to worry. I'm just tired; I'll wake up in a few hours and I'll be fine. It's not like I'm dying or anything. I'm a freak, but I don't want to die. I want to live until I _can_ find a way to be normal.

After I sleep.

* * *

**Axel

* * *

**

I'm not stupid. I know I act like it sometimes, but I'm _not. _So I know that Roxas, even though he almost died from blood loss, is _not _suicidal. But no one believes me. Not even Larxene. I've never seen her so angry, ever.

"What the hell did you _do _to him, Axel? How did you set him off, anyway?"

She thinks it's my fault. "I didn't do _anything. _He didn't try to kill himself!"

"How do you know? How the _fuck _could you know?"

"Because I just _do, _okay? I know more than you think I do. Hell, I know more than you could ever know, because you're _gone _all the time! I thought you loved him, Larxene. I really did. But now you don't even _trust _him."

I can tell I struck a nerve but I can't bring myself to care. She doesn't understand but maybe she would, if she paid an iota of attention any more.

"You didn't even come to dinner tonight," I say, quieter. "Even though you promised, you didn't come. Can you blame him if he doesn't confide in you?"

I see something I never thought I'd see: Larxene is crying. She isn't making any noise, but she's shaking and tears are starting to run down her cheeks. This Larxene scares me more than she ever could being violent.

"Is it my fault," she whispers, and the soft sounds hurts. "Is he upset that I didn't come?"

Suddenly I feel bad for yelling at her. I don't think Roxas would have wanted me to do that. So I pat her back a little, leaning over the arm of my uncomfortable waiting-room chair and say, "It's really not like that. He's always done this – ripping his arms up. I never understood it, but he _never _tried to kill himself. It was his way of dealing with whatever block he has in his head that makes him unable to communicate, I think. I didn't tell you because I found out by accident, and I figured he didn't want either of us to know."

"That was stupid."

"Maybe. But in the end, everything I do is for him. So maybe I am stupid."

She looks up – quickly, but not sharply. "You love him, don't you?"

"Yeah," I reply, because I can't lie about it any more. It's insulting, to her _and _to him.

"Figures." She sounds bitter. "I love him too. But I'm not the one he can love. He told me, once – when he was on Ether – that he could maybe love me someday. I wanted that, so bad…I wanted that hope. But everything's all so messed up now…I wish we had never come here. I _hate _it here. We try to fit in, but we don't belong. You and I don't belong here. Hell, even _Roxas _doesn't belong here, and this is where he was born. I hate Kairi for being sick. I hate Naminé for finding him. I hate Marluxia for driving her away from home. I hate you for being you. I hate _everything."_

Now she's not crying any more, but she doesn't sound very angry. I can't figure her out right now. She's not herself right now. She was always unshakeable, at least on the outside. And now she's unpredictable, unstable, not herself.

"Sucks, doesn't it? Not being able to see him?"

"Yeah."

I don't think any more needs to be said until the doctor gets out here. Hopefully we can reason with him. Hopefully Roxas can explain himself. I don't know everything, but I _know – _I don't know why, but I just _know – _that this wasn't a suicide attempt.

But maybe he needed to get rid of _me.

* * *

_**Larxene

* * *

**

Before we came to Destiny Islands, everything was so easy. Everything was routine, circular; we had a pattern, and it was just the three of us. I think eventually I would have been okay, if Roxas had chosen Axel over me. Not right away. I probably would have attacked at least Axel, because sometimes that fantasizing part of me takes over. But I think eventually it would have settled.

Maybe that's just wishful thinking.

But I _hate _this place. It's full of memories I don't have, full of enemies I don't have. This is where Roxas' life got fucked up. Naminé told me his parents told him he wasn't worthy of love…that it was something he could never understand, but he wasn't quite human. I almost punched her, but I know it wasn't _her _fault. That doesn't mean I didn't _want _to.

Maybe it's just that everything's out of control. I'm losing Roxas, I'm losing Axel. I can't tell anyone about Marluxia, because he's the reason Naminé is so fucked up. I can't tell Marluxia about Naminé, or he'll think I'm planning to get some sort of revenge. It was supposed to be like that at first, but it changed along the way.

We've only been here for a little less than three months and already everything's gone to hell. And maybe…maybe I'm not losing everyone.

Maybe I'm just losing myself. I feel like…no matter what, I'm alone. Roxas and Axel, Naminé and her Aero and her fear, Marluxia and his goddamn mystery…I hate being alone. I hate it so much. I want to fucking _kill _something.

"Penny for your thoughts," Marluxia says, like he always does. I usually find it charming. Today I want to punch him in the face.

"Go to hell," I tell him, and then I _do._

He lets me go, holding his nose, but before I leave I see _something. _An admiration. But it looks forced, and again, I'm reminded that everything's out of control.

Damn it.


	9. VIII

**VIII

* * *

****Axel

* * *

**

I thought it would be hard to convince the doctors that Roxas isn't suicidal, but it was easier than expected. They talked to Roxas first, and then they talked to me. They didn't talk to anyone else, surprisingly, but somehow our combined stories (true stories) convinced them. Roxas simply said his skin itched too much for him to stop, and they did a drug test. Since it came out negative, they had to let him go. He told them it happens sometimes, when there's something wrong with the air. I don't think that's it, but I think it might be something similar.

They 'recommended' a therapist, but I know Roxas won't even bother. How could he? He can't even articulate his thoughts to his closest friends half the time. And it's not that he _won't; _he actually _can't._

Christ. Half the time I want to touch him all over, kiss him, make _love _to him – and the other half I think he's too delicate to touch. He's not. He's actually the strongest person I know, physically. But sometimes I think maybe he avoids physical contact because it hurts him, or breaks him, in an emotional way.

And then there's this business with Larxene that's driving me up the wall. She's always been unpredictable but now in addition to that she's unstable. Half the time she's gone, and the other half she's irritable and violent and even punched me in the face the other day. She hasn't done that since our early days of acquaintanceship.

But she is doing one good thing, even if it's for the wrong reasons. She's basically put Naminé on house arrest; she gets so angry if Naminé leaves that she doesn't do it very often. I think she thinks the Aero will stop. But I know better; Naminé's too far gone to actually stop without help. Aero is nasty shit. I don't think even Roxas has ever done it.

At least she's hurting herself at home, instead of somewhere else. At least if she goes too far, someone will find her. I think if I was a better person I would call her incredibly selfish, but I'm _not _a better person.

Everything is crashing down on us, and it all started when Naminé passed out on Larxene. If things were different – if we hadn't been at that club, if Larxene hadn't been so _nice _that day – we'd still be Us, the three of us, and none of this would have happened.

God, I hate it here.

* * *

**Roxas

* * *

**

They assumed I tried to kill myself. They said my wrists were cut open. But that never happened; I fell asleep after my shower and that's the last thing I can remember before waking up in the hospital. I think I might be upset, but that's all gone again. It's that empty/too full feeling again. I don't know if I really like that feeling, but it's much better than when my hands got stuck in one position.

I think Axel saved me. From the doctors. It was nice of him, but I don't understand why. I thought he was angry with me. At least, that's what it sounded like when I last heard him before I fell asleep.

Naminé wants to talk to me. I wasn't sure I would go to her, but I think it's something I should have done a while ago; I think maybe I should spend some time with her. She _is _my sister still.

"Hey, Naminé," I say. I sit down on her bed beside her; she's lying on her side and staring at nothing. She looks tired.

"Hey, Roxas. How are you holding up?"

"Fine."

"Yeah…me too."

For some reason, I feel like she's lying to me. I don't know what reason she would have to lie – I'm her brother, and it's not like it's bad to be sad or something – but she doesn't sound right.

"That's good."

She sits up a little, propping on her elbow, and says, "I'm going to ask you a question, and I want an honest answer. Okay? I'm not going to be upset or hurt you or even tell anyone, but I really do want an honest answer."

I really don't know what she's talking about, but I say, "Okay." It's not like lying does any good anyway.

"Did you really try to kill yourself?"

This makes me laugh a little. "Of course not."

Something breaks inside her, a wall of some kind. I can tell. She starts crying, but she doesn't look sad. She sits up all the way and pulls her knees to her chest and whispers, "I'm so glad. I don't think…if something happens to Kairi, I…promise me you'll live, okay? Live as long as you can."

"Uh…I promise?"

It's a question because I don't really understand what she's talking about. I don't understand why she's crying, and I don't understand why she _needs_ me to live. I know I'm far from stupid, but it's this stuff – emotional stuff – that I can't seem to grasp.

The twins scurry in and suddenly I feel something. I don't know what it is – everything is mixed together, like someone shook me or put me in a blender before dumping all of the feelings in me, filling me too full to feel them properly – but it's not very nice.

They're three years old and I just met them when I got here.

"Hi, Woxas," says the blonde. Alice. She seems to like everyone. She sometimes has temper tantrums, when she doesn't understand something or when she gets scared, but she is a very curious kid.

I reply, "Hi there."

Then of course Xion has to say something, because she likes to copy people. She's the one who likes me more, even though I don't know why she would. "Good day!"

"It is?" I didn't mean to say that, but it just came out and now Xion is looking very thoughtful, like her answer is very important.

"Yes," she finally answers. "Very good."

She speaks better than Alice does, but she isn't as adventurous. Alice likes to go exploring around the house, getting frustrated when she's too small to reach something, but Xion likes to hide. She likes to run to a closet or get under a bed and hope no one finds her. I don't know why she does it; it doesn't make a lot of sense.

But then, I don't make sense either and Naminé doesn't, and maybe Kairi is the only one in our family who's allowed to make sense. She's real. Maybe Alice is too, but she's too young to tell.

It's strange that after waking up in the hospital it's easier for me to understand things. I don't know what happened, but I think I'm glad it did.

Except now I can tell I miss Larxene a lot. She isn't around much any more, and when she is she's always very angry. She throws things or hits Axel (never me, though I don't know why). She has stopped sleeping with me, and it's frustrating because I don't know why and I don't know how to ask why.

"You okay, Roxas?" Naminé looks like she's going to touch my arm, or at least she's thinking about it, so I nod very quickly. I don't want her to touch me. I'm not…I'm not ready? I don't know what it is. But the only one I really feel comfortable touching so casually is Axel.

"Roxas, Roxas! Come and look at what we made," Xion suddenly shouts, and I think that's why they're in here in the first place.

I stand up and look at Naminé, who nods at me. And I follow Xion (and Alice) down the hall and into my old room – my room still, I suppose.

There's something on the bed. I can't see it from the doorway because the bed is at a weird angle right now, but it's red and yellow and black and looks like clay. I go closer and I'm almost surprised when I see it.

Xion and Alice have made some kind of statue, probably with clay or that homemade play-dough Naminé knows how to make. I think it's supposed to be six people holding hands; there's Axel on the far left, and then me, and then Xion, and then Naminé, and then Kairi, and then Alice. I don't know why Axel is there; he's not part of our family. And I don't know why Larxene _isn't _there; she's just as close to me as he is.

Except she's not, any more.

Xion proudly points out the lumps of clay with different colored hair and tells me who they are.

"This is Alice. This is Aunt Kairi, Aunt Naminé, and here's me! And then you, and Aunt Axel."

This makes me laugh, and not just because Xion apparently thinks Axel is a woman. I also don't know why he calls them 'Aunt Kairi' and 'Aunt Naminé,' but for some reason it makes me laugh.

She folds her arms and sticks her lips out. "Don't laugh at me!"

"I'm not," I say. "But Axel is Uncle Axel, not Aunt Axel."

She only smiles and shakes her head. "You're Uncle Roxas. So Axel _has _to be Aunt Axel, because you're married, right?"

"No," I say, and I don't know why she would think that. Axel is…Axel. He's the special one. And I can't marry him. I can't marry _anyone, _but _especially _him. Because he's the special one.

"Oh." She sounds sad, like she's disappointed. "Well, he's still Aunt Axel."

It makes me laugh again, but now it's because I don't know what to think.

* * *

**Larxene

* * *

**

It's very possible that I hate Marluxia.

Really.

I can't stand certain things he does. For example, he calls me His Gardenia. Like, I can practically _hear _the capitals in his voice. Fucker thinks I belong to him. Like I'll follow his _orders _or some shit like that.

Yeah, he's charming. And he's good-looking. And – I'm not gonna lie here – he's really, _really _good in bed. But I guess I can sort of see how he'd scare the shit out of someone like Naminé. That smile, his version of a thunder smile (I call _his_ the Venus flytrap, since he's all into plants and shit), is scary as hell.

But I'm not a weak little pushover. Lately it's been a power struggle between me and him, a fight for dominance I'm honestly not interested in any more. He's too damn sneaky for his own good, and sometimes I think I should stick around and figure out his little secret. Then I'll turn it on him.

But I'm not Axel. He's better at that kind of stuff. I can get into people's heads, yeah. But Axel can turn people _against _themselves without leaving any trace. It's fucking awesome.

I've been a bitch to him lately, but I can't really…help it. I'm an angry person naturally – I was probably born angry. And when I _get _angry, I tend to take it out on the people I think are strong enough to handle it. So it's kind of like a compliment, in a way. But I'd never tell _him _that. Not in a million years. His head's big enough as it is.

But right now…right now I shouldn't be thinking any of this. I should be focusing on what's important, which is Roxas. Roxas is sitting beside me on the couch, watching the credits go by even though he's not really _watching._

I need to say something, to maybe apologize for disappearing and being a bitch and sort of abandoning him lately. I mean, he has Axel. But we were friends before he met Axel, and maybe it isn't fair. To me or to him. I fucking _hate_ Axel sometimes.

"How's your sister?" Not what I meant to say, but I guess its okay for now. He'll never tell me if he's mad, anyway. He doesn't ever tell _anyone. _Sometimes I think he doesn't even know.

"In her room and miserable. You know that."

Yeah, I do. I do know that. I'm the one making her stay there. I really don't know why; it's not like she's that important. She's fucking scary and a drug addict and so pure I can't stand it. I hate her, but I keep taking care of her like I'm just a normal girl. Like I have a _crush _on her or something. But what the hell? I don't get crushes, and I especially wouldn't have one on someone like _her. _Stupid fairy-princess with stupid Pixie Dust isn't exactly my cup of tea. Really. I really fucking _hate _her sometimes. Maybe even _all _the time.

"I meant your other sister."

He scowls. He does that a lot. I don't know why, because I think half the time he doesn't even mean to, like he isn't actually upset. But whatever. "Sick."

"I _know," _I say, and I think for the first time in my _life _that it's a little irritating to have a conversation with him. I've been in love with the guy for so long that maybe I forgot he's not perfect. He's a guy. And I wonder briefly why it took me this long to realize that.

"I mean, how is she _doing? _Did the treatments help? Is she going to live?"

"I don't _know!"_

Well. Whoa. He's _never _shouted like that before. Not at me, anyway. He can have a bit of a temper but usually he's pretty quiet. "Well, sorry for _asking. _What'd I _do _to you? Christ, Roxas."

He looks at the couch beside him. By now I know that means he's feeling bad about something. Probably how he reacted. He takes a breath and then releases it, like he's trying to figure out what to say. And suddenly I feel a little flattered, because he's actually making an effort to communicate.

Finally he takes another breath. "I don't understand it. The doctors speak, but it's…not. I can't make sense. _It _doesn't. I want her to live, though. Really bad."

I never realized it until now, but he's…kind of a vulnerable person when he doesn't have control. He's so good at hiding it (or maybe he just honestly doesn't know about it), and I wonder why _I _never saw it. I'm usually really good with that kind of thing. Maybe I'm just blind when it comes to him. Or maybe I'm losing my touch. I mean, Marluxia…

"Then I guess I want her to live too."

That's not really true. I couldn't care less if she lives or dies, but I don't think I could stand to see Roxas break down. It would be fucking terrifying, even more terrifying than Naminé.

He laughs. "Good."

And I laugh too, even though I don't think this is so funny. He's such a weirdo. He says shit I don't understand, does shit I don't understand, and I keep wondering – lately – what made me fall in love with him in the first place. I still love him, but now I just don't know _why._

Sometimes I wonder if it's just because he's really fucking good in bed, but obviously it isn't that. Because I know love is not sex, love can never be sex because love makes you stupid and can even destroy you, but sex just feels good.

I bet that's part of why I never noticed this stuff before, though. He's got this way of sucking me in, just by doing certain things to me. I don't think he knows that. But now that we're not sleeping together, now that we're not _fucking…_

It's different.

"Anyway," I say, trying to change the subject before I can freak myself out, "I was thinking…maybe we should go do something. You, me, and Axel. Like old times." Actually, I wasn't thinking that at all but now that I think about it, that sounds really awesome.

"Yeah."

He looks up – _almost _at me, right below my eyes, at my lips or my neck. He's not meeting my eyes but it's the most seductive look I think he's ever given me and suddenly I feel like jumping him right here and now.

But I don't. I mean, how could I? I'm pretty sure he wouldn't go for that.

Then he says, "I miss you."

And my self-control, what little I had, snaps.

I jump on him, push him down, scratch my nails on his chest under his shirt like he likes. I'm half-expecting him to push me off, push me away. But he doesn't. Instead he smiles like I haven't seen him do in a while and starts touching me everywhere. He knows how to drive me crazy.

It's harder to get him going this time, but it's not like I mind. He's hot and fantastic and _this _is why I had a hard time fucking Marluxia the first time. I never thought he could possibly compare to Roxas.

And I think – it's hard now, and I should stop – I was right.

* * *

**Axel

* * *

**

I really don't understand Larxene at _all. _This morning she fucked Roxas – there's no hiding it, _ever – _but I don't know why. I can tell things aredifferent, and I wonder if maybe she's saying goodbye, or getting closure, or…something.

It's crazy.

But so is she, so I'm not _too _terribly surprised. Just a little mad. I know she knows it's changed between me and Roxas. There's something there that wasn't there before.

I think she doesn't care, though. She's a selfish person. I'm not any different that way, but _fuck. _I wish _she_ was, sometimes. I wish for once she could step back and say 'holy shit, look!' Maybe I'm just doing the same thing. She's loved him for almost as long as I have – all it really took was two and a half months of knowing him for me to be completely head over heels – and I never stepped away.

But it's _me, _this time. I'm a selfish person, too. And I never thought it would come to this, us fighting over Roxas, because Roxas is part of the Us that we are. Roxas, Larxene, and Axel. The Three Dysfunctional Musketeers. But I'll fight her. I'll do it, if it means I can be free to love Roxas.

I would ask him. I would ask him what he wanted, except if I did, he'd leave us _both. _Me _and _Larxene. And neither of us could take it. I'm angry at her and sometimes I think I hate her, but I'm not _that _cold. A little heartless, but not _cold. _I wouldn't do that to her, even if it wouldn't happen to me.

But right now I have to sit here and watch Roxas pick at the scabs on his arms. "Don't do that," I say, even though I figure he won't listen.

"Why?"

"Because it's…bad for you. Your stitches are there for a reason."

For some reason, he…stops. Pulls his sleeves completely over his hands. He looks at me – in the eyes, and I feel like he's drowning me or maybe saving me from drowning – and nods. "Okay."

Something is going right, I think. Something's going right for _me._


	10. IX

**IX

* * *

****Roxas

* * *

**

I keep losing my composure around Axel. My heart races, faster than it ever did before, skipping around and hurting my ears. I hate my heart. I wish I didn't have it sometimes, because it's not perfect and it most of the time feels like I only have half of one.

I want to hold him, kiss him. I've never felt like this before, about anyone. Not even Larxene. I'm surprised it's him, because _he's the one I want to protect. _I keep reminding myself that he's the special one, but it's getting harder and harder to remember that. I don't know when something changed between us, but I know it happened before we even left Traverse Town.

I want to be active, to work things out physically like I could before. But the only job available didn't have anything to do with hard labor. I still took it because math is the only thing that makes sense to me most of the time. I would be frustrated, I think, if this wasn't for Kairi.

She is home now. She's still bald, but so is Sora so she's not as upset by it. He makes her happy. So, so happy. I've never seen anyone that happy before. She's sick and tired and fragile and too skinny, but she still glows like her heart has been lit up.

It's only been four months and twenty-three days since we got here, but it feels like much longer. It feels like years. Decades, even. Everything is dragging and slow, and even though I've never hated to be slow, I feel strange. I want to jump up and down, waving my hands and breathing heavy. It's so slow it's suffocating me, and the slow work of a finance planner isn't helping – though at least I don't have to work at the office. I just _do _the work.

I want to scream. I want to run away. I want to do something. Anything. I want this feeling to _go away._

But what I really want more than anything is Axel. I want to do more than just lie on his chest or look at his eyes, even though even that is a little too intimate for him. Not because he's not ready to be intimate, because I know he's definitely not a virgin, but because it's _me. _I think that somewhere, in a world that made sense, I could maybe say I love him. But not in this one. This world doesn't make sense anyway.

I'm watching Sora and Kairi right now. Riku is on the couch by Sora, looking on like he's jealous, and I know why but I really don't care. He's not someone I care _about. _And I feel really…awful. I need to get out of here. So I stand up from the rocking chair in the corner and leave.

My bedroom is my sanctuary. Axel sleeps in my parents' old room and Larxene sleeps in Kairi's, but now that Kairi's back they'll probably go back to how it was before. Axel on the couch, Larxene in the bedroom, Naminé in her own. Except I want him to sleep in here, because lately I can't sleep. I need his heartbeat to sing me to sleep.

I lie down on my bed and stare at the ceiling. There's a breeze – my window is open, because Destiny Islands _never _gets cold – and the cord hanging from the light bulb swings back and forth, like a pendulum. I watch it with my eyes because I'm tired but I know I won't sleep again tonight.

The door opens but I don't look over. I already know who it is. "Hey, Roxas."

"Hey, Naminé."

She sits on the edge of the bed and sighs. I don't know why she's sighing. "How are you?"

I shrug, even though I'm still lying down. "Normal. How are you?"

"Normal."

She's quiet for a minute before asking, "Hey…do you think…do you know what Larxene thinks of me?"

It's a weird question and it comes from nowhere, but I answer anyway. "Not really. I think she likes you though."

She gasps. I've never heard anyone gasp before but it really does exist, because she does it. "But why is she so…awful to me?"

"Because she likes you."

"That doesn't make sense, Roxas."

I turn a little. I don't look at her but I turn my body toward her so she knows this is important. "Larx doesn't like caring. So she's mean to you."

She giggles a little and then sighs again. "I…never guessed…"

I don't say anything. I don't know what to say. But I know Naminé will ask me a question, if she wants to. But she doesn't. Instead, she gets off the bed and says, "Thanks, Roxas."

Then she leaves. I lie there again, watching the string because it's strangely relaxing. I hear the door open again and I know who _this _is, too.

"Long time no see."

"It's only been six hours and four minutes, Axel."

He laughs – though it's more of a snort than anything – and sits down where Naminé was just a little while ago. "I still don't know how the hell you do that."

"I just know. The numbers tell me."

Suddenly I realize I've never said that out loud before. The numbers thing. No one has ever known about the numbers.

"…What?"

"Never mind."

So he didn't get it, after all. I think that's better anyway. If he knew, he might think something different of me. Maybe not. But I don't want to chance it.

"I've been thinking," he says.

"Hmm."

"Don't even try to act interested. Seriously, don't."

I roll my eyes. "What are your thoughts?"

"I think we need to have a little chat. You, me, and Larx. Something's breaking, and even though I'd rather not do this, I don't want us to split up. You know? It's…things are changing and I _hate _it."

I can see him clench his fists on his thighs. I think something's breaking too, but I thought it was just me seeing it. So I nod. "I think so too."

"Good." He's suddenly more cheerful and I wonder how he can do that – change from angry to cheerful in such a short time. He must be pretending, because no one could feel that. No one could feel that much in such a short time.

"Now that I've got that out of the way, Larx tells me we're going out. They don't have any clubs anywhere on the entire _island_, which sucks, but at least they have a Gipetto's here. What do you think?"

"Fine."

He sighs and I feel the bed shift as he lies down next to me like he always does lately. "You're not okay."

I think it's strange that he can pick up on things like that and not act on them. If Larxene saw this, she would tease me because that's who she is. But Axel is different. Maybe he is teasing me in his own way, but if he is, I can't see it. So it's not working.

"No, I'm not."

And I also think it's strange that he can make me be honest without trying.

"Well what's going on?"

"Kairi. And Sora. And you."

I can't find the right words, but I'm trying hard. I take a breath and try again when he doesn't say anything. "Sora makes Kairi happy."

He laughs lightly. "Yeah, anyone could see that. What does that have to do with _me?"_

"I want to do that for you."

That just came out without my consent but it's true and I'm not going to take it back. Maybe the trick to talking is to not think. But then it might come out as numbers and I don't want that to become a habit again.

He breathes in, and it's a quick sound. It sounds like he either got the wind knocked out of him or he just came up for air after being underwater too long. He doesn't say anything, but I don't say anything either. I don't want him to say anything, anyway; I don't know what to expect.

But he does, after thirty-six seconds.

"I…want to do that for you, too."

I don't know what to think about that, or how to feel about that. It makes my heart race, but it's in a way I don't think is bad. And when he leans over and presses his lips against mine –

– I didn't pull away, when he did that. And even though it's only lips on lips, I think I like it. He pulls away and I watch his lips smile.

Suddenly I realize my mind was so blank when he kissed me that the numbers went away. I have no idea how long he kissed me.

And I realize it happened before, too. When we kissed and then I took a shower and almost died.

* * *

**Larxene

* * *

**

Sometimes I think about my mother. I remember a time when I was about five, and she gave me a pony. Yeah. A _pony. _I don't know why, either; my father said horses were not appropriate for young ladies of breeding.

It was totally stupid, because I'm not a 'young lady of breeding.' I'm the daughter of two people who got rich on accident – they won the lottery and then spent very little for the rest of their short (thanks to me) lives.

You know. Other than buying things that would make me seem like a fucking debutante instead of the small-town nobody I should have been.

But that's not what I think about. I don't think about their money or their deaths on a regular basis. But I do think about that pony.

It was a very docile animal, despite being young. She was a birthday present. I named her Lady Lightning, but I called her Bolt for short; and I was always really excited on the days I was allowed to ride her.

She was my first friend. She was the light of my life. And whenever I'd get scared by thunder, I would tell myself it was a good thing because thunder and lightning go together.

And then, of course, my mom went batshit insane. She decided to 'train' me, using something like a shock collar – when my dad found out, _he _got mad at _her, _and when they started yelling I ran out to see Bolt. I was so upset about everything that I started crying on her neck.

My mom found me next morning curled up sleeping by Bolt, and according to my dad she tried to bite my mom when she came close to me. She was gone by that afternoon. I never really forgave my mother for that.

This situation kind of reminds me of that one. Kind of. There's Roxas, the light of my life. Then there's Axel, who took him away. I made the mistake of telling Marluxia about this earlier today and he asked me what I can _learn _from this. In this irritatingly patronizing tone of voice.

I know what the right answer is. I'm not brainless. The _right _answer is that I should stop putting all my eggs in one basket, and I should learn to let go. Blah, blah, _blah. _But honestly, that's not my real answer.

All I could think was, "People are jackasses and so are you." But I didn't say that because I punched him again yesterday and I'm too surprised he still puts up with me to really feel comfortable spewing out random shit like that.

So now I'm at Gipetto's, sitting next to Axel and across from Roxas. I still feel like maybe this is the close of some phase in my life and I don't want it to be. I don't want it to end. I'd rather slit my own throat than admit it, though.

"The food is good," Axel says, and I've never wanted to mutilate him more. How _dare _he? This is not just dinner. In a way this is either a hello or a goodbye and he actually has the _gall _to comment about the _food?_

"I suppose," Roxas replies. He looks at me and something in his expression frustrates me. I can tell he's thinking the same thing as me, but he isn't saying anything. Maybe he isn't. But I think he is. Besides, I'd rather be right because I hate being wrong almost as much as I hate losing.

"You two are shitheads," I toss out, and a woman at a neighboring table gives me a shocked and insulted look. I flip her off and make a kissy face, which makes Axel laugh and Roxas roll his eyes. I know by now that means he's just as amused as we are.

"But seriously," I say. "You're asses. What did we come here for?"

No one says anything for a moment. Then Roxas clears his throat and says, "It's okay, Larx."

I don't really know what's 'okay.' But for the first time I don't believe him at all. Not one little bit. Because I still love him and I wish I could tell him. Fuck, I'm such a sentimental idiot when it comes to him. He's bad for my health but I can't stop. He's like an addiction. _I want to tell him._

Axel notices. Of course he does. I knew it would be pointless to try and hide it from _him. _"Don't, Larx," he says. But not sharply. More like he wishes he didn't have to do this. But that's stupid; I've been right all along. He's been in love with Roxas all along. So he can't possibly wish that.

Roxas watches us warily and for some reason I have a bad feeling about everything. If Roxas finds out…well, I almost feel sorry for Axel, because he's much more dependant on Roxas' happiness and friendship than I am. But I think by now, it's impossible to feel sorry for anyone. It's like Roxas is taking all my feelings because he doesn't have any and I don't have enough to give and keep them at the same time.

"Just spit it out," he says suddenly.

Axel frowns. "Spit what out?"

"Whatever secret you're keeping from me. Are you two together, or something? That's not going to upset me."

He only makes things that clear, though, when he's scared or pissed or both. It isn't ever good, but especially in this situation it's really bad.

"Well-"

"We're both in love with you," I say, cutting off Axel. He was going to mess it up. Anything he said would only make the situation worse when Roxas found out, and he _would _find out because he's not an idiot.

Roxas' eyebrows are up high. He wasn't expecting that, I can tell. Axel looks like he wants to murder me. Maybe that's a good idea.

Roxas sets his napkin down gently and stands up gracefully. Very controlled. "I fucking hate you."

And he's leaving us, like I knew he would.

"Way to go," Axel murmurs, but it's not malicious. More like tired and sad. _Don't. _He can't do this to me.

"You were going to fuck it up."

"I know."

I wasn't expecting that. I was expecting him to argue. I _wanted _him to argue. I wanted to fight with him. But he just sighs and takes my hand over the table and I suddenly realize:

We both lost, and we're in it together.

The walk home is taking forever but I don't know how to face The Family. Kairi seems really protective, even though she's not well and hasn't really seen him for a long time, and Naminé will probably hate me too. Not that it's a huge problem, but still…

She was the closest thing I've ever had to a female friend.

This is why I never bothered to make bonds until Axel. Because I hate being alone, but it's honestly better than losing the people you counted on to make you less lonely.

Axel goes off to the couch and I go off to the bedroom, like usual.

Maybe it would have been better if I never met either of them.

* * *

**Axel

* * *

**

I wish I could blame Larx for this mess. Two nights ago was supposed to be a big piece of duct tape around us, a way for us to become like Before. But Roxas…

I could blame her. Hell, I could even blame _him. _But it's not that. It's whatever happened before, whatever happened with his crazy parents to make him think like he does. What could possibly possess a parent to _say _something like that, even if they thought it? If nothing else, weren't they afraid someone would find out and take their other kids away?

I think maybe Larxene is finally rubbing off on me, because I am seriously wanting to kill those fuckers right now. But they're already dead, and that doesn't help at all. Vengeance is only good if the offender is still alive.

Roxas is nowhere to be found but I think that's to be expected. I know he's not in trouble; he can take care of himself, physically, better than Larx can and better than I can. I might have been as strong as an ox when I was dancing, but I don't think even at my peak I was as strong as him.

But I'm a little worried about his mental state. After what happened back in Traverse Town, I have no idea what to expect. Everything's been turned on its head.

I'm sitting on his bed right now, his pillow in my hands because if I close my eyes he's here. If I close my eyes he's sitting beside me, just being quiet, because his pillow smells like him and wow, this is pathetic.

I don't know where Larxene is either but I wonder if maybe she's doing something just as pathetic. I hope so. Misery loves company and so does idiocy.

All of a sudden there's a noise and Roxas is here. He's looking at my chest like he's surprised and we're back to when he wouldn't look me in the eye.

Now he's walking to the adjoined bathroom and I know I have to catch him, have to find out what he's thinking. It's the only way I can truly leave this. If he doesn't want anything to do with me, at least I'll know I've tried. I'll never get over him but I'll have closure, maybe.

The door shuts but I burst through and he's caught with his shirt half off, covering his face. I yank it off and catch his arms – he's stronger than me but even with his strength he's no match for the wrestling hold Larxene taught me combined with my adrenaline. I don't think he's been eating for the past two days either, so he's already weak.

"Get off!"

He's squirming like he's in pain but I just tighten my grip and reply, "No."

For some reason that makes him stop fighting. Instead he squeezes his eyes shut and turns his head away from the mirror in front of us. Probably so he doesn't have to look at me.

"Roxas, open your eyes." I don't really know what I'm doing here or where it's coming from but I think I'm just going to act on instinct for this one. Otherwise I'll be stuck and I really don't want to be stuck.

He shakes his head.

"Why not? What are you afraid of, anyway? It can't be me; you have no problem with me any other time." I lower my voice, going for something like cajoling. "What's up?"

"Let. Go." His voice is low and angry and his eyes are still shut tight. I try to focus on the fact that I might be getting somewhere instead of how amazingly sexy he looks when he's dangerous.

"Open your eyes and maybe we can work out a deal."

So he does. He opens his eyes and turns his head some more, so it's completely hidden by his hair, and I realize what he's avoiding at the moment.

"C'mon, look up."

His whole body stiffens and he starts to struggle again. "You said! Let go!"

I know he's too absorbed in whatever he's feeling right now because he's not speaking quite coherently. "Look up, Roxas. Just for a minute."

He still refuses so I put my arms through the loops his arms make and grab his head again. He's probably going to hate me, but he does already so even though I might even be signing my own death warrant at least I'll go out helping him.

He closes his eyes as soon as his head is up, but he can't close them forever. One of the things I know about him is that he hates to have his eyes closed for any long period of time. He says it makes his eyes feel awful.

"Look. Tell me what you see."

I wait, and then he opens his eyes.

"I see you."

That's a little confusing, since he's in front of me, but he looks so frustrated and almost helpless so I ignore the confusion, because he's more important than me right now.

"What else?"

"The wall. The bathroom. What the hell are you doing, jackass?"

"Wanna know what I see?"

He jerks so hard he almost breaks my wrist. "No."

"I see you and me," I say, ignoring the pain I wish was in a different situation. "I see me and an amazing person. I see red and blond. But most of all, I see two guys. One is beautiful and one is not, but if you take away the faces it's just two guys."

I actually only have a small idea what I'm talking about, but it seems to do something to him and I know I was right: he hates looking at himself. It makes him remember why he's different.

"I hate you."

"I know."

"I'm going to…"

I frown. What?

"Going to…?"

"Fuck off, Axel."

He closes his eyes again and puts his feet against the sink, pushing back against me and knocking us both to the floor. But that was dumb on his part because even if I had wanted to let go, now I can't.

"The hell is your problem, Roxas? What are you doing? How many times does someone have to fall in love with you before you realize it's possible? How many hearts are you going to _break? _How much are you willing to fucking _lose?!"_

I'm crying by now both from the physical pain of hitting my head on the towel rack and some feeling I can't name, which is pathetic but maybe he needs it. Maybe he needs to see that he's destroying this on purpose, like he's always said he doesn't want to do. Or maybe I need it more after all.

"You were the one I needed! You weren't supposed to…you're _special!"_

I have no idea what he's talking about but I think this is important. I think that no matter what happens now, we can't ever be what we used to be. We can't ever go back.

"I'm not special," I say. I'm going for calm but even to myself I sound shaky and almost frantic. "I'm just-"

"You are the only one who would come back."

And it hits me. All those times he looked uncomfortable when I watched him…the mindless dancing and the silence in the car…the way he touches me and only me. They all mean something. It's all connected.

"Of course I would," I promise. "It's not going away, no matter how hard either of us pretend."

Suddenly he's stiff, and then completely boneless, and then normal again.

He rolls off me and gets up after some struggling because of our awkward position, and waits for me to stand. We walk out together, lie down together. He faces away from me and I look at the way his back moves when he breathes.

What if we'd never met? Would I have this sick sort of helplessness about someone else, or is it just Roxas I can't let go of? Would I be happier or completely miserable? Would I have ever learned what it was like to love someone, or to have a broken heart? Would Larxene still be my friend?

I just can't imagine any of that, because none of those scenarios have Roxas in them and I can't imagine a life without Roxas.

Suddenly he whispers, "I love you, Axel."

But I don't have to. And I think I should have seen this coming, but I was busy trying to pretend I was okay with the fact that he would never feel about me what I feel about him and pretending it was okay that he and Larx had something I didn't really want but would have taken, just to be closer to him.

But he loves me. He said it _out loud. _He probably won't ever say it again. But still…

"I know."


	11. X

**X

* * *

****Larxene

* * *

**

Marluxia.

I have only once wanted to kill a man as much as I want to kill him, and that was my father. I think now I understand why Naminé was so hurt by him.

No, he hasn't really changed. He's still as charming and alluring as ever. But I have changed, and I wouldn't have noticed these weird things otherwise. Like how he only pretends to be happy or interested. It's not that he's feeling something different. It's just like he doesn't feel anything at all. And the things he's said to me lately…

Why the fuck would I care about this Xehanort guy, and why would I want to bump off his brother? I guess if I had no one else I'd go along for the ride, because I do like a good violent intrigue and I'll never deny being a sadist, but I _do _have other people. Not very good people. But good enough to not go around killing people without Axel, at least, because he won't do anything without Roxas.

I do know Marluxia is very devious and intelligent; that's one of the things that drew me to him even after I found out who he really was. And I don't think he'd appreciate more people in his little plan and besides, his heartless gestures are starting to piss me off.

I think of myself as a pretty heartless individual, but I think maybe in his case it's _true. _I at least am actually attracted to people, but he…is only attracted to using people.

I think I'm a hypocrite for hating it.

Yeah. I go through times when I can't really feel a whole lot – usually it's when I am dealing with something unpleasant, or when I'm trying too hard to be somebody even though I'm nobody. But even at my most blank moments, I've at least been able to be angry.

Like now.

And I _really _hope everyone will leave me alone today.

"Larxene," says a quiet voice from the doorway, and this time I don't bother to hold back.

"Get the fuck out of here, Naminé. I'm giving you a ten second warning before I claw your eyes right out of their little sockets."

I wouldn't claw her eyes out. They're too pretty. But I'd hurt her. It's really appealing right now; she's the reason we left Traverse Town. She's the reason I met Marluxia. She's the only person to scare me completely out of my mind. And she's the only girl I might be able to call 'friend,' so it's like an initiation anyway, right? Wait, I don't have to justify myself. It's just who I am.

She doesn't leave, but she sounds even more timid. "You seem distressed."

"Yeah, I _am _distressed! So get out, or I swear, I'll-"

"I wouldn't mind."

That throws me for a loop. Is she sick or something? I know there are masochists out there, the freaks who even like pain outside of sex – hell, I suspect Axel's one of them, deep down – but this is ridiculous. And if she wouldn't mind, that takes away from the thrill of hurting her.

"Get out."

Instead of doing what I say, she sits down on the bed next to me. For some reason this scares me again, so I scoot away and lie down. I can't let her know I'm scared of her.

"What's wrong?"

"You."

She frowns, but not in an angry way. In a contemplative way. Fuck. I really want her gone, but hurting her is suddenly my last priority. I hate her.

"I guess I am wrong, most of the time. I'm not the best at making decisions by myself. I can only feel confident when I'm flying. You're so much stronger than me."

"I know that. Obviously you're not very smart; I'm pretty damn sure I told you to get out, at least twice."

"I know. But I want to be strong like you…so I'm going to stand my ground. I think you need…someone to listen?"

The end is a question and I can't help but scoff at her pathetic display. She's ducking her head, watching me with her peripheral vision because she's too scared of me to look me in the eye.

"No."

"Well, I…" She shakes her head. "Maybe I was wrong about this, too. Maybe you're just like him, after all."

I'm pretty sure I know what she's talking about and I'm not angry, because I'm so shocked she'd actually come right out and insult me like that. "What?"

"Like Marluxia. I was too weak for him, too-"

"I'm _nothing _like that fucker," I almost growl, even though she's right. I am like him.

She jumps, like she's startled. Ugh. "Do you know him?"

"Unfortunately."

She frowns that thoughtful frown again and then asks quietly, "Is he the reason you're so frustrated?"

"Yeah." I don't know why I'm bothering to be honest with her, but at least she knows how irritating and _intimidating _that man is. "I met him when we first got here but I didn't know it was him, and now, I…"

"You're trapped."

"Yeah; when I found out, I kept thinking…maybe he was just like that with Naminé, maybe he'll be different with me. Maybe I'm strong enough to overpower him; maybe he really does feel something for me like he says. He's good in bed, too."

She looks away again and I see her face go pink. It makes me remember the first time we met, when I thought she was pretty enough to kiss. Her face was flushed then, too.

The memory is unwanted and makes me angry.

"He does know how to understand emotion," she says, quieter than she was before. "But I don't think he ever truly _feels _it."

"What? Why? I think he…actually, it's like…I don't even know."

"He's a sociopath." Her voice is stronger now.

"A what?"

"Well, maybe. I don't know for sure. It's hard to diagnose anyway, and I'm certainly not a professional. But it looks that way to me. The way he plays with people's emotions-"

"I do that too," I point out.

"But you do it because you enjoy it…that makes you happy. Or at least alive. He just does it because he wants to watch what happens. You inflict…pain…because it gives you a thrill. He does it because he's bored, mostly, and because he wants to control people."

Now her voice is earnest and her face is too. I raise an eyebrow. "That's pretty much the same thing, little girl. How would you know me, anyway?"

"I don't." She looks away and takes a deep breath, but her voice is stronger than I've ever heard it when she says, "But I want to. You've helped me become stronger, even if you didn't mean to. You've helped me with my addiction, even if you didn't mean to. I thought I hated you, when I was going through withdrawals and craving and you wouldn't even let me leave the house. I knew you were doing it because you wanted to hurt me. But still, I realize…I know I'm really…"

I know where this is going. The sexual side of me is telling me to kiss her like she wants me to. Like I want to. But the logical side says it's not only stupid, but it will hurt me in the end. The two sides of me hate each other right now and they're fighting over her…

Like always, my sexual side wins.

* * *

**Roxas

* * *

**

I have always known three things about myself. I know I'm different, and not in a good way. I know I'm good-looking, because my parents planned it that way. And I know I'm selfish.

That's why even though I don't deserve someone like Axel, someone different in a good way, I'm keeping him. He belongs to me – or so he says. If that means I get to have his heartbeat always, and he doesn't constantly tell me he loves me, then I don't care what he calls it.

I still hate the words 'I love you.' I still can't remember why, but they make my stomach drop unpleasantly like I'm falling fifty feet without a parachute.

But he makes me feel like eight, like thirteen, and I know now that's love. Now that I know I don't have to think about it any more. I can focus on other things. Things that will not make me rethink what I've decided about him.

He's not home today; it's a strange reversal. Usually I am the one who comes home to him waiting for me, since I have to take notes and reports and charts into the office thrice a week. I don't know where he is but I'm not worried. Besides, since Sora is downtown today, I now have time to spend one-on-one with my sisters.

Naminé looks like she's glowing, though I'm not sure why. She's been so moody since we arrived, presumably because of withdrawals and being virtually locked up in her own house, but something must have happened because she looks truly happy for the first time I can remember; and she's just sitting on the sofa silently.

Kairi is sitting in the big rocking chair by the fireplace. It's a gas fireplace and for some reason it doesn't work any more, but Xion drew a picture of a fire for 'Aunt Axel' and taped it to the glass. Kairi decided to sit there because it makes Xion happy; she's sitting by Naminé's feet and smiling.

Alice is in Naminé's lap and sucking her thumb, even though she's not a baby any more. The whole thing reminds me of how a happy family should look. I don't fit here but I think maybe I could, someday. If Larxene and Axel accepted me into their little 'family,' then maybe my sisters could do the same.

"Penny for your thoughts, Roxas," Naminé says, before putting her hand to her mouth like it's something she wasn't supposed to say.

"You're a perfect family."

Kairi smiles at me – a charming, soft expression that reminds me of thirteen but is only one tenth shy. "No, _we're _a perfect family. We can't be perfect without our big brother here with us."

Maybe that's acceptance?

"I am." I think that was the right thing to say, because Kairi is smiling at me like I just gave her a gift.

"I thought you wanted to leave us behind forever. I wouldn't have blamed you, Roxas. But…" Naminé sighs with a little smile and continues, "I'm glad you came back. Are you and Axel staying?"

That has never occurred to me before. I always thought, in the back of my mind, that we'd go back to Traverse Town with Larxene, or maybe even go somewhere new, but I think that might be a bad idea; we aren't the same as we used to be. "I don't know."

"Did you have other plans?"

"No. I didn't think about it."

But now that I'm thinking about it, I don't know if I like the idea of so much change. It's happened without our noticing, and to think that I lost so much control…nothing awful happened, now that I look back (aside from the fiasco at Gipetto's), but I didn't even _realize._

Xion stands up and runs to me, holding out her arms and still clutching her crayons and drawing paper. "Stay, Roxas!" I think of the two little ones she's the more perceptive. I don't pick her up; it still feels very weird to touch anyone besides Axel, outside of sex.

Instead, I nod at her and tell her, "I'll think about it, okay?"

"Aunt Axel, too?"

That makes me laugh. "He's not a girl, Xion. You know that."

She sticks out her bottom lip. "He's still Aunt Axel," she says, crossing her arms.

Kairi laughs and Naminé smiles hugely. It is funny, after all, and Xion is as stubborn as I am. I have a feeling he'll be Aunt Axel for a long time.

And now I realize we can't leave. Not for good, anyway. We all have found things here, things I think we probably don't want to leave behind. I wonder what Larxene will say.

Suddenly there's a sound in the hall and Sora pops through the sitting-room door. He gives everyone a huge grin and goes over to Kairi. It looks like someone lit him on fire, he's going so fast.

He sits on his knees on the floor by Kairi's chair and grabs her hand, kissing the back of it. "How're you doing, Beautiful?"

Kairi reaches up to touch the side of her head, which is now fuzzy, and blushes a tiny bit. "Sora, don't say such embarrassing things! But I'm good. Better, now that you're here."

His smile only gets bigger and he sits back a little. "Oh, good. Because I have a _huge _favor to ask."

She shakes her head but she's smiling. "What do you need?"

"Well…see, since you went into the hospital again, I've been thinking about…what I could never live without, and I remembered someone important right away. Thinking about losing them was so depressing that I decided to go out and buy something. I remembered you telling me shopping makes everything better, you know. I found something really pretty today, so I got it. But it's not…well, actually, it turned out to look really bad on me, so…"

He digs something out of his pocket and holds it up. It's a ring; silver, with a small diamond set into the top. "Will you wear it for me? And possibly change your name to Kairi Keystone? I told you, it's a huge favor. But it would make me really happy."

She gets tears in her eyes, which is a little surprising since I know what her answer is going to be. "Sora, you goofball!"

He just grins at her, holding the ring out. "Yes, dear?"

Now she's laughing through her tears. "Of course I will!"

"That's great! I'm glad. I'm so happy! And a million other joyful phrases!" Sora hugs her knees and then stands up to kiss her. The way he kisses her is gentle and meaningful and it makes me want to hide away, so I bite down on the knuckle of my forefinger to keep calm.

When he asked me if he could propose to her, I didn't understand. I thought he would just ask her. He never needed _my _permission because even though Kairi's only eighteen and I'm her older brother, she's still an adult who may not have much time left.

He told me he just wanted permission to marry into the family, and that he asked Naminé as well. I didn't expect it to go like this, though, with the kisses and the whole family in the room. Naminé is smiling at them and hugging Alice on her lap, and I don't know how to react.

Xion holds a picture up; she's just drawn it. It shows our whole family; Naminé, Kairi, Alice, me, Xion herself – and Axel, Larxene, Riku, and Sora. We all have scribble-smiles on our faces.

"Our family is big," she whispers. "D'you like it? I used Aunt Naminé's crayons from when she was me."

"Yes." I do like the picture. It reminds me of the drawing Naminé gave me, but this one doesn't have any dead people in it. Only happy. And my hands are connected to Axel's and Larxene's, like they are supposed to be. Like they have been until just recently.

I leave the room, because I have a sudden feeling which makes me react in a weird way. It makes me feel like nine; not quite perfect, but better than ten. And my chest feels weak or maybe too strong. It makes my stomach feel like there are bats inside, flying around and tickling the walls.

Naminé follows me, leading Xion and Alice by the hands. "Good idea," she says. "They needed some alone time."

"Xion likes your crayons," I reply, because I don't know what else to say but the scenario still seems incomplete.

"I think she idolizes me a little." She leans forward. "I graduated from crayons to colored pencils when I was fifteen. Ever since she's been able, she likes to sit with me and draw."

"Oh."

"I really am glad you're here," she whispers. "You, Axel, and…Larxene…" Her face turns a very light red. I don't know why but I don't think it matters much.

"Me too."

It's not a lie.

* * *

**Axel

* * *

**

I think I might have died. I hope not, but there's no other explanation for the absolutely perfect feeling in the air right now.

Kairi is swept up in preparations for her wedding, Roxas keeps letting me touch him and isn't avoiding me even after that big disaster in the bathroom, and now Larx is talking to us again. She has some disturbing news, but honestly I'm just glad we are finally fixing the rift between us. I might not like her sometimes and she is always Bitch Queen, but she's just a part of Us. I can't stand it when we're not Us.

"So I told him I'd think about it," she says, leaning on the table with her elbows. Larx, Roxas and I are at the smoothie shop, sharing a Paopu smoothie. The cashier told us the people you share it with will be connected to you forever. Intertwined destinies and all that. None of us actually care about the legend but it tastes so good that it wouldn't matter anyway.

"Well what are you thinking?"

She gives me a weird look. "There's nothing in it for me. And apparently he thinks Sora and Naminé will cooperate with him if he gets me involved – only hell knows why he wants them, since Naminé is so small and Sora probably won't do anything that takes him away from Kairi."

"Or Riku," Roxas says neutrally. But behind his words I know there is something else. Not a nice feeling.

"Really? That brat?"

I think it's funny she calls Riku a brat when they are the same age.

"Yes. They are like us, but Riku will always be left out. He is attracted to Sora, but they will never be together again."

She almost spits out her smoothie when she laughs. "Wait, those two…ew. Just _ew. _I figured Sora for the straightest straight guy _ever. _And Riku…well, he's definitely not my favorite. Fucking whiny bitch."

I have to smile at that. I can admit I don't like his sullen attitude, but he doesn't grate on my nerves. My biggest problem is that he hurt Roxas, but if he can put that in the past I can too. To be honest, I think Riku and I are more alike than anyone else would care to admit.

"He isn't whiny," Roxas defends. I'm not sure why; I know Riku, at least, has tried to apologize, but Roxas hasn't really let go. Larx raises an eyebrow – I'm jealous of the way she makes it look good – and Roxas clarifies, "He doesn't express his gloom verbally. It just shows."

"Yeah, I guess so. Still a bitch though."

"Naminé likes him well enough," I point out. I'm not defending him, really, but I have a theory and I want to see if it's true.

Sure enough, she looks to the side. It's almost unnoticeable, but I can tell she's embarrassed. No one else could, though. Maybe Roxas. "Yeah, well, she's not the best judge of character."

Roxas shrugs. "She likes you."

Now I can tell Larxene's embarrassed because she scowls and clenches her fist, like she wants to hit him. Or something nearby. Like me. I shift away slightly; she glares at me next, but doesn't move to punch me so I'm safe for now.

"That doesn't count. Everyone likes me. They're just too embarrassed to admit it."

I try to hide my laugh but she catches it. "Don't try me, jackass. I have my switchblade in my pocket."

"Oh, Larxie-darling, you're scaring me. Have you taken your meds today?"

She flicks me hard, but we're all laughing. And I'm so relieved that between the three of us, things are going back to normal.

And now I can harass her about Naminé.


	12. XI

**XI

* * *

****Roxas

* * *

**

I can hardly believe the stories Larxene has been telling us lately. I knew this Marluxia was not a good person to be with, because Naminé told us, but I had no idea that Larxene was also involved with him. I had no idea how deep the strangeness ran.

It's a very different strangeness from mine. He seems to be calculated because that's just how he does things, not because he couldn't cope otherwise. He sounds a bit like Larx, but she has a completely different reason to do the things she does. She's so laid back about the killing thing so she doesn't have to feel guilty about killing her parents. From what she and Naminé say, I've gathered that he's so laid back because he doesn't _have _guilt.

Maybe I'm wrong. But even though I can see myself killing people, I _can't _see myself doing it without some justification. It's a stupid idea to kill someone if it's not part of your job description (or self-defense). I think the guilt would rip apart even someone like me.

Something tells me he does have his reasons, though. I'm almost intrigued. But even if he does, I would never let him near Naminé. Not after he hurt her so much.

I wish I could meet him, though. I don't know why; I know he's not the kind of person I can usually tolerate (Larx is the exception). I know Naminé thinks he's a sociopath. But maybe that's why I want to meet him. I want to know if we're the same. If he's really a sociopath or if he's so full it feels empty and it just comes across that way.

But maybe that isn't such a good idea. If nothing else, it will make Larxene angry and I don't want to ruin what we just fixed. Five months ago I would have done it anyway, because I thought if something went wrong no one would miss me. I thought they would be fine without me. But now things are different. And I can't ruin the good things right now.

Like Christmas. It's early and I'm still laying on my bed staring up at the ceiling, watching the breeze swing the cord again. But soon Axel will wake up and we'll go wake Naminé and Larxene and Kairi. I know Xion and Alice are already up; I can hear them talking in their room, which is next to mine.

I don't really know why we celebrate Christmas. We're not Christian – apparently, Kairi and Naminé even went through a point in their lives where they studied Wicca, though they never initiated – and none of us care about tradition. But maybe it's just an excuse to buy stuff for each other.

Sora told a story last night, about places called Halloween Town and Christmas Town. In it, a skeleton named Jack tried to take Santa's job. It was entertaining for the little girls, but I think mostly it shows that _he's _the most excited for Christmas. Riku, though, will probably be excited too. Or at least pretend, for Sora. I wonder what he'll be thinking when he's the best man for Sora's wedding when he really wants to be in Kairi's place.

Axel is shifting a little, saying my name, which means he's on the verge of waking up. I just wait. And he opens his eyes slowly, probably because the light of the sun is shining right through the windows.

"Morning," he says. I like his voice like that, soft with sleep and happy to be alive. He usually doesn't sound like that.

I nod. He laughs and sits up, looking at me. "Happy Christmas."

"Happy Christmas."

"You look pretty horrible," he comments. "Did you not sleep last night?"

I sit up too and scoot forward. "No."

He suddenly puts his arms around me from behind, in a tight but not tight gesture. I still don't know how to handle it, but I'm getting used to it anyway.

So I just lean back, for once. There's something really nice about being able to have someone's arms around me without sex or some feeling of fear, which comes out as anger. I don't know what I'm afraid of. Maybe it's not fear at all. I don't know what it is; I just know I don't like it.

"You should sleep more," he says. He whispers into the back of my neck and I can feel his breath there. Even though the room is a little hot, it makes me shiver a little and I wonder why. His breath is warm so it shouldn't make me cold like that.

"I'm cold," I say. That has to be the explanation. Maybe I'm getting sick.

"Then I'll warm you up." His breath is still on my neck and I shiver again. It's strange, because I've never experienced a good shiver. But this is a good shiver. Maybe I'm not cold, at all. But I don't know what else it could be.

I don't say anything. Axel doesn't either. Instead, he puts his lips at the base of my neck lightly and then moves them to a spot just under that, and keeps repeating until he gets to the neckline of my shirt.

My skin itches horribly.

Axel won't let me scratch it away, though. He's caught my arms and now I'm stuck with my skin crawling and no way to get the sensation off. I try to struggle, and I could get away if it wasn't for the new little part of me that says I should trust Axel. I've never trusted anyone before, not like that. And it's not a pleasant idea.

"What is it with you and scratching your skin off, anyway?"

"You make me feel weird," I say. That's the best I can do; I can't even describe it to myself. Not even using numbers instead of words. The closest thing I can get is eight, without thirteen, but that doesn't even make sense to _me._

"A bad weird?"

I have to think about this for a minute. It's _not _a bad weird. I hate it when my skin crawls like this because I know it comes before that other sensation. The one I get when I'm about to have sex with Larxene, after she's managed to bring it up in me. It would be a _good _weird, maybe, if I understood it. But I don't.

"…I don't think so."

"Well, good." He doesn't let go my arms but he starts kissing again, sideways along the neckline of my shirt and along the place where the neck muscle knots up. I suddenly want to do something to him. Maybe to show him the weird sensation, so he can understand what I'm talking about.

So I turn around, slowly, and look at his eyes. I know he likes that, and I'm starting to like it as well. It seems intimate, more intimate than anything else we could possibly think of. I lean close, carefully, and kiss the place over his heart, and I imagine I can hear it beating even though it's not really true. The only heartbeat I can hear is mine, skipping all over the place like a disproportionate super-ball in a small space.

He lets go of my hands. Maybe I could get up, run out, scratch all of this away. But I see his eyes and I know he's trying to trust me, like I'm trying to trust him, and I know I can't do that. So I keep going up his chest and neck, and I put my hands on his stomach, knotting in the folds of his shirt. My weight pushes him down to the pillow, but he's not resisting, so I think he wants to lie down.

I watch as his eyes close, but only most of the way. He still has a little bit of white showing under his eyelashes, which are red. I don't know why I never noticed that before.

But now I'm at his lips and his hands are sliding up my back, and this isn't gentle any more. It's not harsh, either. I can't think about it too much, not with my mind buzzing like it is.

"Roxas," he says. I like it. I like the way he says it, rough and soft at the same time. Like he's out of breath and trying to tell me something important.

"Say that again."

"_Roxas."_

I like it even more this time. It sounds more urgent. It sounds like for once, he needs me to do something for him. Not as a friend, but as a caretaker. He's always taken care of me, even though I don't need it, and I want to take care of him for once. Because I never had a friend until I had Axel and Larxene, and Axel is the closest I've ever been to someone. I want to give back the gift he's given me.

Right now I don't know if I could physically handle losing him, or if my skin would crawl right off my body. The thought almost makes me stop what I'm doing. I shouldn't need anyone.

And I never knew it was possible, for me to need anybody, until Kairi went into the hospital. Until I scratched too hard and almost died. Until he made the numbers go away, even for just a while.

And now, even though it probably isn't true and I would _hate _for it to be true, he _sounds _like he's the same way.

So I reply, "Axel." Because nothing could explain that thought anyway, even if I had time to think about how to put it or even figure out what _it _is.

He makes a noise – the noise you hear when someone bites into a really good apple – and keeps kissing me. It seems like he's trying to eat me, beginning with my mouth. And the crawling is feeling less and less awful, so I really don't think it would bother me if he decided to do it.

But then there's a knock on the door and we separate. He's watching me carefully, looking frustrated, but I can tell it's not at me. _I'm_ a little frustrated, because I think if we had more time I could understand what's going on with me and with Axel. Between us.

"Get up, losers," says Larxene, sticking her head in.

"We're up," I say. Axel scowls at this, though I'm not sure why.

"I noticed." She doesn't sound pleased, but then, she usually doesn't. "Naminé says it's time for presents, and if you miss it, I have permission to kill you."

Axel grins, the knowing one he only uses on special occasions. "Oh, you need Naminé's permission?"

"Of course not. But it makes it easier if the residents of this house don't come after me when I'm through with you two. At least with Naminé on my side, it'll be two against three instead of one against four."

"Uh _huh."_

Larxene rolls her eyes and slams the door, but I know she's not angry. Axel knows something, and she wants to get away before he starts asking questions. That's what she always does.

"So," he says to me. "I doubt you could give me a better present than just staying here alone together all day, but wait till you see what I got _you."_

I don't think that was an insult, even though it sounded like one. I think he really does just want to stay here all day. I don't know why, though. I think he would get bored; he can barely sit still for thirty minutes before he _needs _to move.

* * *

**Larxene

* * *

**

Axel knows. He _knows. _Obviously. It's impossible to hide anything from him, now. But he doesn't have to _publicize _it like that. I really hate him sometimes.

But it's not the kind of hate it probably should be. I know what they were doing in there. I know what they do when they think no one's watching. I know Roxas meets Axel's eyes only, lets Axel touch him, lets Axel see him undressed. I should hate Axel in a much different way than I actually do.

But I think Roxas is even more screwed up than I ever thought. I think there's something wrong, not just with his thinking but with his head. Spending time with Naminé and even Marluxia has led me to realize that the rest of the world doesn't function the way Roxas, Axel and I do. If Naminé is my saving grace - not that I'll ever let another soul know - then at least they can be each other's. I hate losing, hate letting go, but I have some kind of purity they'll never have, even if I never will deserve her.

So at least I've won that way.

She still scares me, though, because of that purity. Sometimes I still think it would be nice to cut her, to watch the blood fall down her white clothes. It would be beautiful.

I don't think she understands, but she wouldn't stop me. I don't know if it's because she's afraid of me - which is a good scenario - or because she genuinely likes me - which is what _I'm_ afraid of. Maybe I'm just afraid of attainable love, like in the song. Maybe that's why I always spend time with people who will never see me like I see them.

It's ironic that no matter how good I am at getting inside others' heads, I still can't figure myself out.

She looks beautiful this morning, in her white nightgown, sitting in the rocker by the drawn-on fire. Alice is on her lap, playing with her new doll, and Naminé has a peaceful smile on. She's looking at Roxas, who is examining Axel's gift - a Rubik's Cube - and scowling, probably because Axel actually remembers the conversation we had almost eight months ago about puzzles and mathematics. Axel has his necklace on, the one with the round spiky charms in red and white and silver. I think it suits him perfectly and I wonder how Roxas knew that; he's not the greatest at color coordination. That's why he wears black all the time, or at least black and white with a little red when he's feeling colorful.

Xion has a little foot-long key, and she's waving it about like a sword. I remember Kairi saying Roxas used to play with those all the time, pretending to fight with no one since he was always kept away from everyone else.

Kairi is sitting on the couch by Sora, who is sitting next to Riku, and they're smiling at something I can't see.

And I'm too scared to open my presents. Naminé got me something, as did Roxas and Axel. Even Kairi and Sora, though it's probably generic because even though I've been living in this house for months, we still know very little about each other.

There's a knock at the door and, surprisingly, Roxas is the one who's going to get it.

There's yelling and the sound of a fist hitting the wall, and it's surprising because Roxas is the one yelling. He usually doesn't yell, because he's more violent than vocal. There isn't any more yelling; now the door is slamming and Roxas is coming back in, scowling.

And now there's Marluxia.

* * *

**Axel

* * *

**

I'm not thrilled about this turn of events. Naminé looks scared out of her pants and Larxene looks like she wants to kill something, which is bad. And this guy, Marluxia, is only staring at the frozen room, looking at us with an easy smile like we're all just study subjects.

I hate him already.

"You _are _delightfully devious," he comments. "You truly are a different breed, Larxene."

"Better different than psychotic."

Something runs across his face; I don't know what it is, but it almost looks like curiosity. It's gone now but it's still puzzling me. Maybe he really is a sociopath.

"They're one in the same, don't you think?" He moves and sits down next to her, and waves a hand carelessly. He's dismissing us. "Well, carry on. I just came to visit my lovely girlfriend on Christmas."

Sora clenches his fist and stands. "You can't just-"

"You're not the master of this household, young man. I have business here. I don't take orders from the likes of _you."_

I can feel Roxas beside me. The feeling is billowing out of him, like heat out of a radiator. It's not frightening because it's anger - I can deal with that - but because I've never seen him feel this much at all.

I don't know how this will end, but I can guess it won't be good.

"Hey, now," I say, trying to diffuse the situation. There is a time for fighting, but this isn't one of them, and for my own sake I'd rather not watch this. I grab Roxas' hand and rub it, to calm him down. "It's Christmas."

"And I only came by to spread the holiday cheer."

If I wasn't so used to lies, I might believe him. As it is, Larxene looks angry, Naminé is shrunk into herself, Kairi looks worried, Riku and Sora both look like they're ready to lash out at him, and Roxas is definitely trying to contain himself.

"I am the master of this house," Roxas says, through his teeth like he's afraid he'll shout. "And I'm telling you to get. Out."

He's very articulate, and I wonder what brought this on. I know he's not on anything. Even though this is the wrong time to be thinking it, I can't help but hope this means he's finally figured himself out.

"As soon as I give my gift to Larxene," he says dismissively. Bastard. "Oh, and I even have one for Naminé, to show there are no hard feelings, at least on my end."

Suddenly Naminé speaks up, clenching her fists. "No feelings at all on your end. There never..." Her voice gets very quiet. "...Never were."

"Oh, darling, you know that's not true. Look, I had this made especially for you!" He holds out a box, and when he opens the top I can see blown glass in the shape of a rose.

She's shrunk back again and now Larx looks more pissed than I've ever seen her. Unless Marluxia doesn't feel pain, either, he's going to regret ever coming here. And I would help her, but my priority is Roxas. I know he'll step in if she's in trouble, and that will be my cue. But right now, if I don't keep him calm, he'll do something he'll regret later.

"Get out," he says quietly.

"Pardon? I couldn't quite hear."

I don't know what he intends to accomplish here - except maybe scaring people, which isn't going as well as he probably thought it would.

"Larxene, darling," he says sadly. "Was what we had ever real? Or did you just lead me on to get revenge for Little Nami?"

"It was real." Then she smirks. "But not on your side. And Marluxia, _darling, _revenge would do nothing. But this is over, at least until further notice. Now, these people aren't very happy about your being here, so...why don't you leave us be? I'll get in touch with you later."

Anyone who didn't know her would think she is telling the truth. But she's not.

"...I think you're forgetting who's in charge, here," he says coldly. Fuck. This is probably really bad.

Roxas stands, and I do too. "I am. And this is your last warning: get the - get out."

"I advise you to watch your tongue, little one. I'm stronger than you can imagine."

Now Sora's standing, and for once he looks absolutely pissed off. "So am I. You've invaded this house. You've scared and hurt my future sister-in-law, you're scaring the twins, and you're being a jerk. So I'm going to have to escort you outside."

And now he's dragging Marluxia to his feet and out the door. The man looks neutral, but I can tell he's wondering how this came about. Why he can't get away from Sora, who must be at least as strong as Roxas to drag the man out so easily.

I hear the door shut and the locks click. He comes into the room, looks around, and grins cheerfully. "I say we play a game." He looks at Xion, who now has her face buried in Naminé's legs and shaking. "How about hide and seek?"

Sora's a good guy. And for once, I'm glad he's such a cheerful person. A game is what they need, and time to hide is what Roxas needs. I can feel him shaking, from anger or adrenaline or both, and I know he needs time to chill out.

We go to his room and lock the door once Sora starts counting, and Roxas looks relieved. We're lying on the bed, saying nothing, because I don't know what to say and I don't think he does either.

Then he scoots close.

He's hugging me. Just...hugging. And for the first time, I'm confident that no matter what we'll always have each other.

Christ. When did I get so sentimental?


	13. XII

**XII

* * *

****Larxene

* * *

**

It's funny, in the actual funny way, how things have turned out. I never thought, when I met Axel, that I'd actually calm down; it's like spending time with people as crazy as me has helped me realize how crazy I'm not. Look at that, I'm being disgusting. Sappy. Not like myself at all.

But, I don't know. Maybe change really is part of life, or something. Everyone else is moving in a different direction. I never thought I'd be part of that.

I've put off meeting Marluxia for days, but it's time I ended this once and for all. It's not that I hate him; I get it now. If it was just me, maybe even just me and Axel, I'd stay with Marluxia. Go along with all of his crazy plans. Because by myself, I'm nothing. I'm half a person, and Axel doesn't complete me. So I'd stay like that, a person cut in half, following Marluxia because there would be nothing more thrilling.

But add Roxas into the equation, add Naminé - the real one, not the one everyone sees - and I know it can't be like that. I wouldn't have ever seen the real Naminé, if it wasn't for Roxas, so I guess I have to thank him for that.

In my head, of course, because this makes me sick. No one can know how soft I can be, or I'd never hear the end of it. And I hate being vulnerable, anyway, because this isn't just a stupid love story. On the outside it looks that way. But on the inside - inside of me - it's terrifying as all fuck.

But I think I can probably work with that, for now, because I have experience. _With _Naminé.

"Good to see you again, Larxene," Marluxia says pleasantly, sitting down across from me. We're at Agrabah Market again, because I don't really trust myself around him in private. "Have you put any thought to my previous offer?"

I don't get a chance to answer, because our waiter is here. I'm glad we've come here so often, because I don't even need to look over the menu.

Once she's gone he faces me and asks again.

I glare at him. "What's in it for me?" I hope he has a good answer.

"Revenge, of course."

"You're not swaying me," I spit. I don't know why he thinks this interests me at all; I don't even know what I have to get revenge _for. _"Revenge for _what?"_

"For you, of course," he replies. "And for me. But mostly for your Roxas. He seems to be affected most."

This makes me freeze. "…Roxas? What does he have to do with anything?"

He smiles, and it's his Venus flytrap smile. "There were countless people who signed up for the prenatal genetics project," he begins, "but there were only three whose parents were ambitious – or stupid – enough to sign up for the secret project connected to the PGP. Yours, of course, though you never knew. Mine; they made it no secret that they were displeased at the results. And Roxas Winter's."

The information makes me clench my fists under the table. I'm not sure who I'm angry at; I don't really trust Marluxia as it is, and he's not really doing anything to convince me. But for now, I'll just listen. For now, I'll hear the full story and then figure out what to do after. Axel always says 'information first, plan later.' It goes against my nature but that's what I'm going to do.

"So what does that have to do with this?"

He clears his throat. "There is a researcher, Ansem Dizworth, who opened the PGP to the public – and it was an instant hit. Just think; you can custom design your child! Many signed up. But Ansem's apprentice, Xehanort, further explored avenues Ansem forbade. That's where we came in."

"But-"

He holds up his hand. "They tried to greatly increase Winter's intelligence. They tried to greatly increase your empathy. And they tried to greatly increase my empathy, as well. As you can see, it worked splendidly; but it took essential things away from all of us."

"So…that means-"

"It _means," _he cuts in, giving me a hard look, "that the reason you and I are so good at reading people is because of our enhancements. Unfortunately for you, the capacity for sympathy is next to nil. Am I right?"

I nod slowly. "What about you?"

"Shouldn't you be asking about your dear Roxas?"

"Cut the shit," I return, but I don't address his question.

He laughs mockingly. "Roxas is quite the genius. And I haven't been able to identify what exactly his problem is; my informant had a rather unfortunate accident before I could finish my own research." His lip curls. "But I do know that altering the mind in that fashion greatly reduced other capacities. He was extremely lucky to find you."

I return his hard look. "And what about _you?"_

"I know that Naminé believes I am a sociopath," he says delicately, "and that might as well be true. But there is one distinct difference; when I look around and see what it could be like – if my emotional scope was broader – I want it. I desire to be like the couple at the table behind you. They are married, but they hate each other; I wish I had the capacity to hate, because that would mean I had the capacity to love. And _that _is why I desire revenge. I see what I could have had; with Naminé, and with you; and as the only thing I've ever _felt _is desire, the only logical answer is to do away with the source so no one else has to suffer." He frowns. "Don't think of me as a philanthropist, Larxene. I am a very selfish man who desires power and control. But even a heartless bastard is capable of a good deed if it means some sort of satisfaction."

"I…" This isn't what I was expecting. It's completely fucking with my head. I don't know whether to hear him out – find out what he's planning – or just punch him for the last time. I don't do either, because our food just arrived, but I know as soon as we're done eating he's going to talk again.

I guess I'll just hear the rest. Now I'm _curious. _I hate it.

Sure enough, he's pushing his plate away. I'm not finished but I know he'll start talking anyway.

"We're going to put Xehanort away for a long time," he tells me. "Xemnas, however, only played a small part in the project, so we're going to grant him a little bit of mercy. That is, he won't have to rot in jail because he'll be dead."

I look around pointedly; there are people in the restaurant. He just laughs. "No one's listening. It's not something they'd be interested in, anyway. Just two crazies plotting a murder in a language they barely understand."

I sigh and push my dish away. "Fine. Whatever. It's _your _ass if someone finds out. Finish your little pitch and I'll tell you what I think."

"When Xemnas is murdered, all signs will point to Xehanort. It's common knowledge, among those who matter, that there is no lost love between them; motive would be easy to determine. In the event that Xehanort is somehow found innocent, all signs would point to me, of course. Me, and the ones I associate with – which would be _you. _It's no secret that I've done quite a bit of research about them and their pet project."

"Then this is a retarded idea."

"No," he says sharply. "We're not going to do it."

"…You're not making any sense. Who's going to do it, then?"

He gives me his Venus flytrap smile and for no reason at all I'm terrified. "Sora is."

* * *

**Roxas

* * *

**

I'm waking up next to Axel again and this time we're touching. I wasn't expecting that, but I probably should have been. He touches people a lot, and now that I'm seeing everything, now that I'm seeing underneath what he tries to pretend, I don't know why he held off so long. I don't know why he tried to make me comfortable. I wouldn't have done that for him.

I don't know. Maybe I would. It's too late to find out now.

I still always wake up before him, but lately I just wait for him to wake up. I like being next to him, touching him, because he's the only person who can look me in the eye and not be threatening about it. But it's more than that. He's the only one who ever bothered to look at me. I know Larxene _looks _at me, but she doesn't look at _me. _She doesn't look at Roxas. She looks at her Roxas which is different than my Roxas.

Even Axel's Roxas is different than my Roxas but I think they're starting to match up. I'm not sure if it's because my Roxas is changing or Axel is starting to see everything, but maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe it's just something I shouldn't think about.

I kiss him, on his chest where his heart is. I don't know why I like that so much. But maybe it's like saying hello, like saying good morning. It puts me to sleep at night and maybe it's like saying thank you, because it makes sleeping a little easier.

It wakes him up. I think if I was somebody else, I would be upset about waking him, but I'm not. I'm glad he's awake because when he's talking or even just looking at me, there's less noise. It's easier to push away the numbers.

"Morning," he says without opening his eyes.

"Morning," I whisper back.

I know he's not fully awake because he says, "Love you."

Right now I feel like getting up. I feel like leaving. I feel like running out, getting away from him, but I don't think he's trying to hurt me. It can't, can't be like he says, because when I accidentally said that, he didn't say it back. That was okay with me, because I didn't have to hear it. But now he is saying it and I don't know what to do.

He opens his eyes. "You don't have to say anything. I shouldn't have…I'm sorry."

He pulls me down, so my head is on his chest, and I think I can live with this for now.

"I'm not in the mood to get up," he admits. "I want to stay here in bed all day and pretend I don't hear when they knock on the door."

"Stupid."

He laughs. "Yeah, I guess so."

I like that his chest is warm and I can hear the beating of his heart, the perfect heartbeat I like so much. I wonder who else has listened to it.

"I bet your parents were happy," I say, and then I realize that wouldn't make sense to him.

"What?" He sounds not only confused, but something I know can't be scared because he doesn't _get _scared about just words. They were just words.

"When they had you. Your heart, it's perfect."

I feel his hand on top of my head, rubbing the spot over my ear. I know he doesn't mean to do it and I think it's something he's doing to help him concentrate. At least, I do things like that to concentrate when I need to find words. Mostly with my shirt though. Or my hands. Sometimes I just bite my finger, but I don't do that so much any more.

"They always wanted a daughter." He laughs. "But yeah, they were happy. They thought my mom couldn't get pregnant."

"Oh." There's something wrong with his tone but I don't know how to ask what it is. So I just say, "They kind of did have a daughter. Xion says you're Aunt Axel."

I hear him laugh and I feel the vibrations through his chest, and it makes me smile. It's getting more common for me to smile without having to force it.

"I know. It's really funny. Why do you care so much about my heart, anyway? There's nothing special about it. You keep calling it perfect, but it's…just a normal one."

"Because…" Now _I'm _rubbing, rubbing his chest instead of his hair though. I have to think carefully because I want this to get through. "Because mine isn't. It skips, and the numbers get confused. When I listen to yours I can block mine out and the numbers get quiet. I can talk like this. It's easier to talk like this."

I'm afraid he won't answer, but he finally does. "I have no idea what you're talking about, but…I'm glad that you like it."

I know to expect the kiss he gives me. It's small and soft and only on the top of my head, but it's the kind of kiss that says he's not going anywhere. And the kind of kiss that says 'I accept you, even though you're a freak.' It's the kind of kiss I've wanted ever since I was little, and I'm glad Axel is the one who gave it to me.

* * *

**Axel

* * *

**

Larxene's pacing in front of us, angry and confused. Those two are a bad combination for her, because she has that look on her face. The one that says 'I am not really a murderer but I am seriously considering it.'

Roxas still has his head on my chest, and even though we really _didn't _bother to get out of bed today, I'm thinking now maybe we should have. I have this feeling that maybe Larxene has a good reason to look like that and we might have to do some damage control.

"I spoke with Marluxia yesterday," she finally says, not bothering to look at us.

I feel myself frown. "And what happened?"

Finally she looks at us, but she's not looking at _us. _She's looking at Roxas, and she seems…not upset, but almost sad. Still angry and confused, but not at him. "He told me why he wants to kill Xemnas, and – I can't believe I'm saying this – I actually agree with him. But the _way _he wants to do it…it won't work. Not in a million years. And I still fucking hate that creep, probably more now than before. I want…I want…I don't know. But it's making me angry."

Roxas is the one to ask the question I have, and that surprises me a little. "What's his plan?"

Obviously Larx is a little surprised too, but she doesn't comment on that. "He wants to use Sora to take him out. He says it's because Sora doesn't have a motive, or information, and it's no secret that Sora isn't a fan of Marluxia in the first place. Everyone will look at Xehanort, who will go to jail, because we'll be able to prove it was him. He wants revenge because…" She hesitates, which she doesn't normally do. "Because Xehanort and Xemnas are the ones who opened the secret prenatal genetics project, the one Roxas went through – the one _I _went through, even though I didn't know. He went through it too, and it destroyed any chance any of us had at being normal."

Roxas is incredibly tense but when he speaks his tone is bland. "Sora will never agree. Kairi means too much to him to leave her behind, especially if there's a chance he won't come back."

"He has a plan for that too," she says darkly. I'm a little afraid of her right now. "He wants to hold Naminé captive until Sora agrees to do it."

Now I know why Larxene has a problem with this. She will always deny it, even when she comes to terms with it, but she feels something like love for Naminé. It's not love, but closer to it than she felt for Roxas. I didn't notice before – I was too caught up in not being loved by Roxas – but even back in Traverse Town, it was just shy of love with her.

"That doesn't make sense," Roxas points out. "Kairi means more to him."

"Sora has a _hero-complex," _she spits. "He'll do it because she means enough to him _and _to Kairi. And he'll get away with it, too. But it's not _fair _to use Sora. It might satisfy Marluxia, because he gets to spend time with Naminé _and _he gets to see Xehanort go to prison for the rest of his life. But it's not enough for me."

"Then why don't you do it?"

"I…" She hesitates _again. _This reminds me of before, when everything was like the Twilight Zone. She looks at her feet and scowls. "I can't just _leave. _Not now. It would just be more satisfying if someone who they actually _broke _could do it. Because then it wouldn't just be revenge, it would be _justice."_

"Are you asking _me _to do it?"

She looks up again sharply. "Fuck _no. _I don't fucking care how much I want this to happen…I would never ask _you _to do it."

"Then there's only one solution," I say softly, rubbing Roxas' head. It's calming. It helps me think. "You just don't do it at all. This isn't just killing for self-defense, Larx. You're talking about cold-blooded _murder. _And that's going to come back and snap you in the ass."

"That's not _good enough!"_

"Well what do you expect me to _say, _Larxene? _I'm _not going to do it. You said yourself you only want it to be someone who _went _through the project. You don't want to do it. You don't want Roxas to do it. Why aren't you talking about this with _Marluxia? _He's the only other person who could. And honestly, it's a stupid idea!"

"Maybe to _you. _You're not the one who just wished you could be _normal! _You're not the one whose parents _hated _her – or _him – _because they didn't get what they planned! You're not the one who never got a _chance!" _I don't want to see what I'm seeing. I don't want to see her crying. It's not like before; she's not just crying with tears. It's her entire face and I don't know what to do. Roxas' face is pressed into my chest so he doesn't have to look, either, and I know I should say something but I don't know what.

"You know what? Never mind. _Never mind. _It's obvious you have _no idea _what this is like. It was a stupid idea to come in here and ask _you guys _for help. Roxas can't even say anything, because of this stupid project, and all you can say is that we should let him go free."

"Larx…" Roxas breathes heavily, in through his nose. "We didn't know about this before, and it was fine. Why do you have to do something about it now?"

"Because I _can." _She turns and heads for the door. She's just about to leave when she stops and adds, "Because Marluxia is right; it's _justice."_

"I don't believe that," says Roxas quietly, but she's already gone.

"She's going to get herself killed."

I can only sigh. "We should stop her."

He presses his face to my chest and shakes his head slightly. "No. Naminé needs her more than we do."

It shouldn't surprise me, but it does. Because I always forget that Roxas never says even a fourth of what he sees. It should be obvious to me that Roxas knows. He laughs quietly. "I don't even know why I said that."

But I do. It's because the things we understand most are the things we never think about. That's human nature. And despite whatever Larx thinks, I know everyone here is only human.

I can only pull him up farther and kiss him, because by now I know that the best way to talk to him is to show him what I'm thinking. And what I'm thinking is that I love him, and even though everything is messed up right now, it doesn't matter to me.

"Sappy bastard," he murmurs, and I know he's got the message.


	14. XIII

**XIII

* * *

****Roxas

* * *

**

I may be a lot of things. I may be incompetent in the area of emotions. I may be incapable of vocalizing most of my thoughts. But I'm definitely not _stupid. _So I know that something is wrong. I know that something is missing, and it's not Naminé, so something is missing and it has to do with Larxene. She's not missing. But something in her is missing.

She's sitting on the couch, next to me, silent. It's not the quiet that's tipping me off. I don't even know what it is. It's just that she's not _right. _There's something…

I'd call it a feeling, but you can't feel other people. _I _can't feel _myself _half the time, so it's not a feeling. I just know. I just _know _there's something wrong.

But I don't know how to ask, and she's not telling.

"Roxas?"

I look at her jaw line, admiring it. She's very pretty. But I already knew that. "What?"

"What would you do if you found out Axel had killed someone?"

"I would ask why," I say honestly.

"What if he didn't tell you?"

I shrug. "I would forget about it. He's not a killer. There would be a good reason, probably self-defense. He probably wouldn't want to tell me so I wouldn't laugh at him for being in a bad situation in the first place."

She laughs, but it doesn't sound right. It sounds like she is; there's something missing. "What would Kairi say if she found out Sora had killed something?"

"I don't know. I'm not her." I don't know where all this is coming from. She knows I'm not Kairi, and she knows Axel would never kill anyone. But I don't know how to ask. This is happening more and more often and I don't know if it's because I'm having a harder time understanding, or if I just have more questions.

"I…" I can see her bite her lip. "What would you say if I told you _I _killed you someone?"

"I would laugh. Because I already know, and it would be a redundant confession."

This time her laugh is a little more natural, and I'm glad. I didn't like the thickness in the room, but it's a little thinner now. It doesn't make me want to raise my shoulders as high as they can go. "Yeah, I guess. I'm just being stupid."

"Probably."

"Hey – Roxas."

I nod.

"For the record, I haven't killed anyone. Except for my parents. I'm just…if I _did _go through with Marluxia's idea, except _I _killed Xemnas…what would you do?"

"It doesn't matter to me. If I was normal, then I wouldn't have met you. And killing him won't make us normal."

She suddenly throws herself at me, wraps her arms around me, laughs in a completely different way than I've ever heard her do. It sounds like she just saw someone she missed, or at least it sounds like laughs do in movies when they see someone they missed.

"You're such a sappy idiot," she says.

I kind of want to hit her, or push her off me at least, but I don't. I push away that reaction, that instinct, and put my arms around her too. "And you're no better."

"Whatever. I'm on my period, so _I _have an excuse."

I look at her, and I don't believe her, but I nod anyway. I think all she needs me to do is pretend everything is the same, or at least better than it really is. "Okay."

We're quiet again, but it doesn't last very long because she starts talking again. I don't know why she keeps talking to me, but maybe it's because she knows I won't say anything unless she wants me to. I _can't _say anything unless she wants me to.

"Marluxia was playing us all from the very beginning," she says. "Naminé…even at the beginning. When we weren't here. He was grooming her into the perfect victim, the reason Sora would do what he said. But then it didn't go the way he wanted, because you weren't around. He couldn't explain it to them without an example they could relate to. But then we came, and I went looking for him. I swear, I was just gonna knife the fucker and leave, but then he introduced himself as Lumaria and then…ah, I don't even know why I stayed even when I knew who he was. He was just…well, Naminé gets it, anyway. But then he started getting weirder and brought up the murder and all of a sudden it wasn't just about sex and…replacing _you. _Suddenly it was…just crazy."

I decide to ignore the part about replacing me, because I don't really understand what she's talking about.

"And I mean, your sister…I never thought _she…_of course, then I just – she's really soft, and I was so _sca – _frustrated. But she told me she wouldn't mind, if I…and I don't get it. I _hate _not getting shit. But it's not…and now, I think maybe Marluxia…I don't know. I think he might just _do _it. I can't decide if I'm upset because he played us all from the very beginning, or if I hate him for bring Naminé and me into it, or if…if I'm angry at him because I thought there really _was _something between us, you know? At least I _wanted _there to be, maybe I just wanted to _think _there was. _I hate losing control of things. _I just…would you hate me if I killed someone for no reason?"

I blink. Most of her speech didn't make sense at all, but I don't think it matters. The question is if I would hate her. And the answer is easy.

"Why _would _I?"

"Because, like Axel said, it's just murder. Nothing pretty or rational about it. Just…just murder."

Something just hit me. I don't know what it is, and I can't grab hold, but even though I don't know _why, _I know what to say. "You don't have to hate Marluxia if you don't want. He's just like us…right?"

She doesn't say anything. We're just sitting in silence now and I know she probably won't say anything. I wouldn't say anything either, and not just because I don't like speaking. Even if I could understand myself all the time, I don't think I could think of an answer to a riddle like that.

I don't even know why _I _said it.

* * *

**Axel

* * *

**

It's funny…I never thought, in a million years, that things would just right themselves. And they haven't, but for some reason I now wish they would. Maybe not; maybe I'm just being sentimental and retarded again. But it just _seems _that way. And I don't think it matters much, at this point. Whatever happens will happen, and as long as I keep myself – and Roxas – away when (or if) shit hits the fan, I shouldn't care what happens. But I do. I don't want things to get insane. I just want it to be…I don't know what I want it to be. Normal, maybe.

"Something on your mind?"

I don't know why I like talking to Kairi. We don't have anything in common, other than Roxas, and even our loving Roxas is different. Maybe that's why. She's looking at me curiously and playing with the ends of her very short hair, and I think it might just be because she actually wants to know what I think. It's a weird sort of friendship I'm not so sure I can _call _friendship.

"Yeah, I guess." I shrug. "Just thinking about Roxas."

She smiles. "Okay. _Other _than Roxas, what's on your mind?"

This, I have to laugh at. "Larxene. You. Just…just life in general, I guess. What's going to happen?"

"I have no idea. But it's no use worrying ourselves to death."

"Yeah…I guess you'd know, huh?"

She gives me a very gentle pat on my hand, which is strange but not…bad. I'm kinda wondering how we got to this point, where I can sit across from Kairi at the kitchen table, talking to her about stuff I wouldn't ever talk about with Larxene. Not even _Roxas._

"Yes, actually. For a long time, I've known that I'm going to die before anyone else, unless there's an accident. For a while, I was resistant to the idea; I don't think anyone _really _wants to die. To some people it seems like a better solution to suffering, but…I don't believe anyone really _wants _to leave before they're ready. But then I realized something: whether or not _I _want it to happen, it's going to. I'd spent so much time dreading it that I didn't appreciate what I already had. So I decided to stop worrying and trust in the people I love. I decided that instead of just waiting – instead of just _worrying – _I was going to _get _ready. So that when I _die, _I won't have any regrets."

I'm looking at her a little differently right now. She's still just the little sister of the person I love, and maybe even a friend. I knew she was happier than most people would be, if they could feel themselves die, but I didn't really know why. I always thought it was older people you were supposed to talk to if you wanted to talk about life, but maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe you just have to talk to someone who knows about death.

"How'd…how did you figure that out," I ask. My voice sounds retarded, stupidly breathy. It really shouldn't, because there's no reason. I'm not _completely blown away, _just surprised.

"My mother will never be remembered as a good woman," she says carefully. "She was afraid of my father, and over the years it made her spiteful. She never treated Roxas right, even though in the beginning she wanted to. But we had a conversation, before Roxas left, and it stuck in my head. She said that she wished she could go back and fix things, because all the guilt was tearing at her heart. And that really put it all into perspective for me."

I frown. "Huh?"

"I knew then that I never wanted to have regrets. I didn't want to look back and say I wished I could fix things, because _I _don't have time. In a situation like this…a situation where all I have to offer, to anyone, is my love – my heart is the greatest gift, and the greatest weapon I have against despair. And I can't give it to anyone if I've already ruined it by looking back in shame."

I think it's sad that a girl who's just barely considered an adult has all this to say when I've never even thought about it before, and I'm probably six or seven years older than her. I'll never pretend I'm wise. Smart, yeah, but not wise like Kairi, and I wonder what I would see if I could put a camera inside Roxas' head. Would he be wise like her, or would he be clueless like me? Or maybe a combination of both?

"That's…really something," I say. But I'm not really saying it. My head is still spinning, and it's really just my mouth saying it.

"There's something else that's really something," she replies. "I want you to walk me down the aisle this weekend. Will you do it?"

I blanch. "What? What about Roxas?"

"He's the best man." She laughs. "It would have been Riku, but he's playing the music while I actually…walk, so Roxas is Sora's best man and I'm left without an escort. I could ask Tidus or Wakka, and I'm sure they'd love to, but…well, I wanted to ask you."

I don't really know what I want but my mouth says "Okay," so it's not like I can just take it back _now._

Xion comes rushing into the kitchen, dragging Alice behind her. "Aunt Axel! Go see Uncle Roxas with me! The door is locked and I want to see him!"

I look at Kairi, who is trying to hide a laugh, but I can see it. "Don't laugh at me."

"How could you think I was," she asks, but she's not offended. I'm not, either.

"Let's go see Roxas," I say, waving to Kairi over my shoulder as I leave with the twins.

We're knocking on the door but there's no answer, and I wonder if Roxas is asleep. Fortunately I know how to unlock the door without a key, but if he's really asleep he won't want to see the twins, so I bend down to their level. "Roxas is probably asleep," I tell them. "Do you think you could wait a while before you see him?"

"Aww." Xion frowns but Alice doesn't.

"Okay," she says.

"All right." I pat Xion on the head and stand up straight. "Later, then."

I wait for them to go running back to the kitchen – probably to see Kairi – and now I'm sticking my fingernail into the lock, twisting so it will open.

Roxas isn't asleep, but he is on his bed. His sleeves are pulled up and he's scratching, and I really don't know why he does that but I don't want him to do it any more. So I shut and lock the door behind me and sit down next to him, holding his arms. Sometimes I wonder if he even _knows _he's doing it.

"What brought this on," I ask, and I notice he's shifting a lot like he's uncomfortable.

"Thinking about you," he mutters.

"Didn't know I was so repulsive," I joke, but it's not really a joke. It's just a cover-up for my confusion. It doesn't make any sense, and not much does when it comes to Roxas, but at least I'm trying.

"No, thinking about you…and it itches. And it's like I want to sleep with you."

…What? Is he – is he saying he does this when –

"You only have to say so," I say. It's kind of hard to breathe right now.

He moves the pillow off his lap and looks down and says, "You don't mind this?"

Of course I don't. I don't know why he thinks I _would. _So I just pull him on top of me and say, "I could never mind it."

I still can't believe he makes himself bleed to get rid of _arousal. _But maybe next time I can just kiss it away.

* * *

**Larxene

* * *

**

I never knew it before, but I _hate _weddings. They're all procedure and tradition and I keep wondering if Naminé is uncomfortable, because Kairi is the one in white and Naminé has to wear blue. But that's stupid, because I don't care what Naminé thinks. She's good to kiss and good to hold, but she's not important to me. Not at all.

I still wonder what she'd look like covered in blood.

I really can't keep my eyes off her, which is _stupid _because Kairi's the one getting married so shouldn't _she _be the pretty one today? The one everyone can't keep their eyes off because she's _glowing _or whatever retarded thing people say?

Fuck, I'd even take sitting by _Marluxia _instead of staring at the stupid brat in blue, but I haven't heard from him in a while and he wouldn't be here anyway. He's not stupid enough to come to a wedding uninvited where he'll probably get beat up by Sora, Roxas, and Riku. Maybe Axel even.

I'm pretty sure he's done something ridiculous, but it's not like he _isn't. _And I'm trying really hard to think about him because I just really don't want to think about Naminé. I don't want to think about what I want to _do _to Naminé. I don't want to think about what I want to do…_with _Naminé.

Fuck, she's ruining me. I've never been more scared of her. Or of myself, for that matter.

What the hell is wrong with me?

I hate the smile she's giving me. _Hate it. _I know it's probably not _for _me; Kairi and Sora just kissed, they're married, she's just happy for her sister, and all that. But she's looking at me so it's like it's for me anyway.

_I don't want it._

I don't want _her._

But only because I really do.

I'm having a hard time watching as Roxas accepts a hug from Kairi, Axel gets a hug from Kairi and hugs back, and Naminé (damn her) kisses her sister on the cheek before getting a hug as well.

I'm almost thinking I wish I was Kairi right now, but that's really _stupid. _I don't want Naminé to fucking _hug _me, that's retarded. I'm not into soft shit.

Why is this all coming up now, at the wrong moment, when I can't just ignore her? Why – damn it, why did we have to come here? I know the answer, I'm not _that _stupid. But I hate that we did. We were doing fine before Naminé came and ruined everything, and now I'm having stupid thoughts like I want her to _hug _me. It's _pathetic. _I _hate it._

I'm just trailing behind everyone, not really paying attention to anything. I'm not looking at Kairi and Sora. I'm not even looking at Roxas and Axel. I'm looking at my feet because if I look up I know I'll see Naminé. I know if I look at the sky I'll think of her. But not if I look at the ground.

In my peripheral vision I can see Axel's hand around Roxas' hand and it makes me angry. Not even because it's not me any more, because I'm stronger than Axel is and I don't _need anyone. _So it's not because of that. It's because now it reminds me of what I _want, _and I _just don't want to think about her._

But when I feel her arms around me I put mine around her anyway. Just because…just because we're in public. That's all. Just because this is a wedding. _That's all._


	15. Epilogue

**Epilogue

* * *

****Axel

* * *

**

I've decided Kairi's right, and now I don't like to look back. Not at most things. But I like to look back and remember things like the conversation I had with Kairi right before her wedding, or the day I met Roxas, or that morning I woke up and he was sleeping with his head on my chest for the first time.

But more than that I like to look over and see Roxas next to me, no matter what he's doing. He's still weird. He's still way too hard to figure out. And sometimes, I still wonder what's wrong with him. But it doesn't really matter, right? Because even if I figured it out, I wouldn't love him any less.

Christ. If Larx – or even _Roxas – _could hear my thoughts now, they'd laugh so hard. _I _want to laugh. But I don't, because Roxas is beside me, sleeping for once, and I don't want to wake him.

He's beautiful. (But I always think that.)

I know things aren't going to be like I initially wanted them to be. He's not going to open his eyes and tell me he loves me in a sleepy voice. He's not going to spend time just letting me look at him and hold him. We're not always going to understand each other.

But, I think I like it better like this. Maybe it's not picture-perfect, but it's _real. _That's what counts, right? That it's real? Larx would tell me sap doesn't look good on me. But – only in private, like now – I have to disagree. I think it looks better on me than anyone else we know.

But I'd rather slit my own throat than actually _say _that.

* * *

**Larxene

* * *

**

I can't believe it's been eight months since Kairi's wedding. I mean I _can, _but only because it happened. I'm not one for sentimental shit but it really is like no time has gone by at all.

I know that's not true because I remember feeling like everything was dragging on, but right now at this moment it feels like it didn't happen.

I hate funerals so I'm glad I didn't go, but I'm here now with Naminé visiting the grave because she wanted to. I don't know why; it's just a stone with a name. But she wanted to come. She wanted to bring _flowers, _which is hilarious in the most inappropriate way. But maybe that's _why _it's funny.

"Don't see why you care," I tell her. "Or why you dragged me along."

"You miss him too," she replies calmly. "And I care because…he might have hurt me, but he's the reason I met you. And I still loved him, whether he loved me or not."

"Yeah, but he _didn't."_

"Marluxia," she says, and I wonder when she got so confident, "wanted to be able to. Maybe not _me, _but I'm sure if he could have, he would have loved _you. _I can…I can see that happening."

I have to laugh at the way she turns her eyes away, like she's actually _embarrassed _to say shit like that. "Stop it," I say. "Sap looks bad on you."

"Well…while I'm at it…" She bites her lip. I have to look at the headstone to keep from biting it for her. "I'm going to go all the way and say I love you."

Fuck. I don't want to answer her. I don't know what I'd say, anyway. I can't…it's not like Sora and Kairi, so not that kind of love. It's not like Axel and Roxas either. Most days I hate her, usually on the days she lets me cut her. So I'm not saying anything because I have nothing to say.

She laughs and puts down three white roses before reaching out and touching my face. I don't move.

"You don't have to say anything," she tells me. "It doesn't have to be perfect, or happy, or pretty. You don't even have to love me back. I just thought you should know that I love you. Since I'm ruining your day with 'sentimental shit,' as you call it. Love…is just something I want to give you."

She's stupid for doing that, giving me her heart like that, because I'm not pure like her. She's not scary any more and right now I'm wondering if maybe that's because I've tainted her.

"He killed himself," she whispers suddenly, changing the subject. "He always seemed to want to _live. _I wonder why he did it."

"He finished everything he wanted to do." I shrug. "The plan actually worked. Crazy fucker just decided he didn't have anything left, I guess. I would have killed myself too, if I was in that position."

"This is why I love you." She comes up too close, wraps her arms around my neck, and suddenly I _am _scared again but I don't push her away. I know she'd just get right back up. "You're the only person I know who could say that with a straight face…except maybe Roxas…and you're the biggest hypocrite I know. You can pretend all you want, and I won't stop you…but I know you have a heart to give. And I hope someday you'll give it to me."

I'm kissing her because she's kissing me and I know later she'll bleed because I'll bite down. I hate her so much. And that's…_hypocrite?_

Marluxia said that he wished he could hate, because that would mean he could love. Maybe I'm a hypocrite. Maybe she's right. Maybe sometimes, they're the same.

I guess we'll find out, won't we?

* * *

**Roxas

* * *

**

For as long as I can remember, I've been a very destructive person. I don't mean to be; but I always seem to ruin things, or at least make them intensely uncomfortable. When I ruin things, it's generally not _things; _it's usually people I ruin. I don't like it, but I don't know how to fix it because it's hard to vocalize what's wrong in language other people can understand.

But I haven't ruined Axel, and I haven't ruined Larxene. I haven't ruined my family. The twins just had a birthday and Alice told me she was happy I was there. Xion still likes to show me her drawings, even though I don't say anything most of the time.

For as long as I can remember, the numbers have haunted me. And they still do, but sometimes Axel can take them away. When we're in bed, and I'm listening to his heartbeat or when he kisses me. They usually don't go away when we have sex, because I'm usually counting then, but those rare times he agrees to take control of things, I can sometimes manage to stop counting and the numbers go away then.

But we don't sleep together very often because that's not really what either of us want. What we really want is the _sleep _kind of sleeping together, where I wake up listening to his heart and I kiss his chest.

I like how it makes his face turn red sometimes, even now. Even right now when I'm kissing his chest and my hand is on his cheek so he has to look me in the eye.

It's still hard for _me _to do, but it's getting easier every time. Sometimes I don't even look away any more.

He makes me feel like eight, like thirteen, and that used to drive me crazy because I didn't understand it at all. I couldn't classify it, because I'd never experienced it before.

But I've learned by now that there's nothing it could be except love.


End file.
